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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/4/16

It’s honestly going to be pretty hilarious when Sarah brings her terrible personality to school and discovers that normals won’t like it, or her. I’m sure she’ll eventually use her mob ties and/or powers of psychokinesis to cow the many enemies she’ll make, but until then let’s just enjoy this pointless game of topper she’s playing with the headmaster’s assistant with the admittedly dumb nickname. “Being a nurse is much harder and more important than being a teacher. I’m skipping a grade so I can spend time with as few teachers as possible! Plus my mom had a baby. Did your mom have a baby? Probably not!”

Dennis the Menace, 1/4/16

The children are right to laugh, Hot Dog. Breakdancing is a trend that was played out decades ago.

Marvin, 1/4/16

At last, Marvin’s parents have figured out what he’s good for: as an instrument of revenge against a world that has repeatedly wronged them.

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Funky Winkerbean, 12/6/15

As is the case in many societies, the economic and spiritual malaise that lies over Westview can be traced back to its education system. For instance, when a science teacher urges his students to “put on [their] thinking caps,” you’d think he was about to challenge them to use their knowledge of the scientific method to solve some problem or test a hypothesis. But at Westview High, this is just a prelude to a rambling punny joke-style utterance that might, if they’re lucky, teach them the Latin name of a constellation, a datum that at best you could call science-adjacent. The students look on in dumb incomprehension, which is a good preparation for their life in the Funkyverse, which will mostly consist of abuse structured as terrible unfunny wordplay.

Judge Parker, 12/6/15

You might be thinking, “The Spencer-Drivers are almost unimaginably rich. Isn’t it kind of unseemly for them to rush to cash this check, considering the solid possibility that Neddy is going to destroy the RV before delivering it to its purchaser?” Well, the joke’s on you and your bourgeois morality. How do you think the Spencer-Drivers got to be unimaginably rich? It certainly wasn’t by not cashing checks.

Marvin, 12/6/15

Kudos to Marvin for getting through a whole Sunday comic without a reference to urine or feces, I guess, but I have to say I find Jeff’s dead-eyed explanation of why dogs like nose-rubs pretty off-putting. It’s just because they have big noses, OK? There’s no pleasure to be had from rubbing the nose of your beloved pet. Any sense of bonding or connection you get from the process is false. It’s a simple physical reaction to an immutable physical fact. I kind of wish this strip was about Marvin shitting, honestly. At least Marvin enjoys shitting.

Spider-Man, 12/16/15

Backed into a corner and unsure how to respond, Peter Parker reacts like the hero he is: by slamming his head into JJJ’s computer until he can induce blessed unconsciousness.

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Family Circus, 11/11/15

The “Keane Kid looks disheveled and drops his stuff on the ground and leans back on the door as he arrives home from school” is a bit of visual shorthand for “tough day” that the Family Circus deploys a lot. I’ve always had minor practical gripes with it (don’t the kids all come home from school together? are Jeffy and Dolly outside pounding on the door trying to get in?) but today it occurred to me that it also kind of looks like Billy has run desperately into the house and is trying to keep out someone — or something. Something that stalked and devoured the children sitting on either side of Billy in his classroom. But he made it out alive, by remaining absolutely silent.

Spider-Man, 11/11/15

So this lady who straight-up bashed in the Atlantean guard’s helmets with a club of some sort is … just some random doctor? Who wanders the docks of New York, looking for fish-children to forcibly rescue? I did a cursory Google search for “Liz Bellman” and “marvel” and have satisfied myself that this isn’t the secret identity of some random long-standing Marvel superhero/villain who I’m not familiar with but who will be starring in a Netflix original MCU series in 2017, but please be sure to correct me in the comments if I’m wrong!

Marvin, 11/11/15

Marvin, you’re starting a bank to bilk babies out of money they don’t have and your hobby is shitting yourself. Please don’t try to pop-shame your father.