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Mark Trail, 8/28/15

Oh my God, what did Mark to do this mysterious professor’s car that has her all icy towards him? Did he blow it up? Did he refuse to call it Dirty? Did he use it to store a bunch of nasty lesion-covered dead sharks? Did he punch it? Probably he punched it, right?

Blondie, 8/28/15

I eat a lot of gross, crappy science-chemical food-style products, but even I’m put off by the thought of a snack that would be shelf-stable enough to sit in a vending machine for who knows how long but could still be described as “gooey.” Dagwood’s eating issues are many and fascinating, is what I’m trying to say.

Marvin, 8/28/15

A Marvin strip that ostensibly isn’t about pooping, but where the title character uses the phrases “a full load” and “dumps his cargo,” then looks at his father’s open mouth, then stares at the reader with an awful, knowing smile? I can only interpret this as an open declaration of war against me and my truth-telling.

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Family Circus, 8/25/15

I absolutely love how angry that poodle looks in this panel. “Oh, you think it’s funny how I look, you smug stump-leaning little shit? You think it’s a game? Is my grooming style incompatible with your narrow view of masculinity? You think I don’t still have razor sharp teeth?” Shit is about to get very real for our Billy.

Mark Trail, 8/25/15

Yes, that does sound like a logical explanation: a shipment of fake radioactive rods, glowing with their own eerie, mysterious light, which are an extremely popular gag gift worldwide! Nothing loosens up a birthday party or Christmas morning like the moment when someone unwraps their “radioactive” “extremely dangerous” present and shouts with delight, “Oh my God, what is this? You’ve killed us all!” These novelty items are in such high demand that they’re flown around the world via sea planes — the market can’t wait for slow container ships! Anyway, Mark, don’t worry your pretty little head about any high-tech “tests” for radiation, I’m sure everything is fine, just fine.

Wizard of Id, 8/25/15

Whoa, like, what if, like, we need both the dark and the light, working against each other, to create the huge, amazing universe we all live in, man? Anyway, long story short, this comic portrays the process by which glow-in-the-dark dorm posters and van decals were created in the 1970s and ’80s.

Marvin, 8/25/15

Oh, don’t worry, Bitsy: Marvin isn’t going to stop shitting himself just because he’s got sand in his diaper.

Marvin’s never going to stop shitting himself

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HELLO EVERYBODY! Thank you all for being so well-behaved while your beloved Uncle Lumpy was here and in charge! I’m back from my journey and what did I find in the mail when I returned home but some FABULOUS MAGNETS from MAGNET-MEISTER MATT CROWE!

Those of you who have been patiently awaiting magnets (and possibly tote bags) since the spring fundraiser will be getting yours soon! They’ll be in the mail by the end of the week.

Anyway! Let’s get back to what we’re all here for: comics in which a shark is covered in bleeding open sores!

Mark Trail, 7/29/15

Ha ha, that last image is … something, right? Like, last we saw this shark, it just had some mild scarring, but now it’s just straight-up bleeding all over the place. Who knew nature could be so gross! I did, actually, which is why I never go outside if it all possible and shriek like a terrified child if some non-human lifeform manages to get into my house.

Apartment 3-G, 7/29/15

Oh, hey, don’t forget that before Greg was Margo’s boyfriend, he and Lu Ann went on a some dates and did some weird sex (?) stuff, which Margo claimed a little too loudly not to care about. Should we stoke those fires of jealousy for plot-engine purposes again, only much more confusingly, in keeping with Apartment 3-G 2015 style? Sure, why not!

Funky Winkerbean, 7/29/15

Yesterday, Past Lisa was finally on the verge of figuring out that Future Lisa is Dead Lisa, which means that today we’re cutting quickly over to … Past Les. Because remember, the most important thing about Lisa is that she died/will die, and the most important thing about her death is how it affected/will affect Les. Verb tenses get weird when time travel is involved, but some things are eternal.

Hi and Lois, 7/29/15

“Try not to make noise. The Skinner Box experiment is reaching day five, and while all of Trixie’s material needs have been met, we don’t want her knowing that other human beings exist outside her enclosure. It will mess up the data.”

Marvin, 7/29/15

Speaking of babies who should be placed into isolation chambers, Marvin is visiting a farm, I guess? Ha ha, the joke is that Marvin is like a disgusting, filthy animal! Sometimes I think this strip hates its title character almost as much as I do.