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Archive: Mary Worth

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Is this Masters Tournament stolen valor

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Gil Thorp, 8/12/19

So underlying the whole “Hadley is using her big-city lawyer skills to browbeat the school board into letting an ineligible student attend Milford” plot is the “Hadley’s dad, who is also a lawyer, I guess, isn’t really that hot on her relationship with Jaquan for reasons nobody can explain.” I guess Hadley’s just straight-up annihilating the hapless small-town rubes of the Milford school board with facts and logic as way to show her dad that she isn’t “losing her edge”? Anyway, say what you will about Milford’s white-collar local elites, but they are not afraid to wear bold green suits in professional circumstances, which is more than the men in more supposedly culturally liberal big cities can say!

Funky Winkerbean and Crankshaft, 8/12/19

Yes, it sure is crazy that Mindy would want to come to the county fair, since county fairs are … one of America’s most treasured and popular local attractions? I guess if any effort had been put into coming up with a personality for Funky Winkerbean-era Mindy beyond “fond Crankshaft rememberer and sex reward for Mopey Pete,” we the audience might be surprised too! But she really does have an emotional connection to the fair, it seems: it was the place where she heard grandfather say “A funnel cake is like a donut on steroids!” which was the only time in her entire life that he successfully deployed a common turn of phrase without botching it so badly that it was difficult to believe that he was a native English speaker.

Mary Worth, 8/12/19

What’s Dawn going to do with the few short weeks she has left with Hugo? Sit on the lawn and stare at his ass and calves, apparently! This is honestly the most emotionally healthy choice we’ve ever seen her make.

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Just be yourself! (IF YOU WANT TO LIVE)

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Pajama Diaries, 8/9/19

Despite its occasional unpleasant excursions into kink, the obsessive-neurotic Pajama Diaries has slowly wormed its way into the hole in my heart left behind by the obsessive-neurotics at Edge City (not that they didn’t have their own problems with off-putting sex stuff). Today’s strip does a better job at being even-handed than fellow battle-of-the-generations feature Dustin. Ha ha, it’s funny because young people are obsessed with carefully curating the impressions they make on others via social media, while their parents are obsessed with the violence always lurking at the edges of civilized society. What if they come and kidnap you tonight? What if they murder your whole family so that the only clue the police have to go on is the last photo you uploaded to Facebook? What if they need to be able to see every wrinkle, every imperfection, in order to identify your body when they eventually find it bloated and rotting in a ditch somewhere out in the countryside?

Mary Worth, 8/9/19

Mary has long been into taking cognitive-behavioral reality-shaping to extreme lengths, like the time she told a lady devastated because her fiance had stood her up at the altar that “the past only exists by how you remember it,” so all she had to do was remember things differently and she wouldn’t be sad anymore. Now Mary’s applying this theory to the present as well. All Dawn has to do is concentrate on being happy every moment of every day, and then she’ll always be happy! Hugo here? Happy. Hugo not here? Happy. Pretend Hugo never existed the moment he leaves? If letting go of object permanence is the key to happiness, then it’s a small price to pay!

Judge Parker, 8/9/19

Oh, turns out it’s Norton. Norton, everybody! Norton’s back, and he’s, uh, very sunburned, it seems.

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It’s a burial shroud, for her hopes and dreams

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The Lockhorns, 8/7/19

I gotta say, I kind of respect the way today’s Lockhorns is bleak and depressing in a somewhat different register from the typical bleak and depressing scenarios it dishes out. Loretta stares heavy-lidded at the formless, off-yellow square she’s been knitting seemingly forever now. What is it? Why is she doing it? Does she have any goal in mind? Does she derive any pleasure from it, or conversely, would it make her even sadder to stop? None of these are questions she has answers for. She’s just knitting to pass the time. Leroy, crumple-mouthed, has a brief and unaccustomed flash of sympathy for his wife. He’d like to help soothe whatever formless emotion compels Loretta to keep knitting, but he knows that the emotional gulf between them is far too vast, now, and has been for years.

Mary Worth, 8/7/19

So far the Dawn-Hugo storyline has been relatively free from conflict, except for the fact that Hugo is kind of an asshole. Now we see the real engine for the summer’s drama unfolding: Hugo is eventually going to have to … go back to France! You know, if Hugo’s return to his homeland corresponds the point in the relationship where his assholitude starts to outweigh his hotness, these are two conflicts that could really cancel each other out and save everyone involved a whole lot of trouble.

Judge Parker, 8/7/19

Honestly, this would be a much more dramatic development if it were remotely possible to tell the icy, violent blondes of Judge Parker apart. That’s … not April, right? Probably Sam would recognize her, if she were April?