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Beetle Bailey, 11/23/18

I think the key to this whole very strange Beetle Bailey is the use of the past tense in panel one. Beetle was a great guy, but now that his General Halftrack disguise has been perfected, Beetle no longer exists. One wonders how the world will work with two General Halftracks in it — but then, maybe the General is in the past tense too. Maybe that shockingly realistic mask is less Mission Impossible and more Silence of the Lambs, if you know what I mean. (I mean that Beetle has hollowed out Halftrack’s head and is wearing it like a helmet.)

Mary Worth, 11/23/18

No…nobody says that? Nobody says “Open a new window, open a new door”, Mary. Are you thinking of the saying “When God closes a door, he opens a window”? Because the implications of that are very different from whatever it is you just said. If this thing ends with Libby fleeing from Mary’s apartment into an uncaring world through all the doors and windows she left open, I’m gonna be pissed.

Dennis the Menace, 11/23/18

Man, I find the Mitchells’ little smiles honestly chilling. “Oh, you just now figured out that you don’t get to do fun stuff all the time? Get ready to spend the rest of your life eating shit to make other people happy, kid.”

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Mary Worth, 11/22/18

This Thanksgiving, I am extremely thankful that Mary Worth is going to be adopting, or possibly fostering, a cat. Am I a cat guy? Follow me on Instagram to find out how big a yes that is! Am I concerned that, like many stories about cats, this one will involve negative behavior that puts my favorite domesticated animal in a bad light? Also yes! Am I ecstatic about the image of a horrified Mary Worth trying to figure out how to get cat vomit — or, better, cat urine — out of her her precious, precious upholstery? You’d better believe that’s a yes.

Dick Tracy, 11/22/18

Apparently I’m not the only one miffed that Dick Tracy is taking time away from its usual focus on crime to diddle around with fax machines and invoice processing! Indeed, these tedious details have in fact distracted Polar Vortex’s crime syndicate from its primary focus (crime). Maybe if we only get all the criminals into legitimate side hustles like estate management, they’ll be too busy to do crimes!

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Gil Thorp, 11/19/18

Ah ha, it’s classic Gil, expressing shock that a kid with a decent haircut and middle-class clothes might be connected to wrongdoing, somehow! Remember when a wholly legal tattoo parlor opened in Milford and Gil destroyed it for no good reason? Anyway, I’m enjoying the fact that we’re getting this exposition dump during Coach Thorp and Coach Mrs. Coach Thorp’s desultory countryside jog. And speaking of Mimi, isn’t there some girls’ sport that shares a season with football that we could be seeing her handle instead of dealing with this snoozefest? Gymnastics? Volleyball? I’d definitely enjoy watching how varying growth spurts between freshman and sophomore year affected the tactical and emotional dynamics of the Spiking Lady Mudlarks a lot more than trying to figure out what classic French New Wave film Kaz is going to try and fail to compare to Tiki’s residency situation.

Dick Tracy, 11/19/18

It has come to our attention that the previous twist in this storyline, which involved faxing, was deemed “dangerously exciting” by many core members of the Dick Tracy readership. We are pleased to announce that the strip will henceforth be focusing on the minutia of contract law, with a special focus on payment terms.

Mary Worth, 11/19/18

“You see, we’ve gotten reports of an older gentleman who’s been manipulating people into helping him adopt shelter dogs and then … well, there’s no easy way to say this … eating them. Short, wears a bow tie? Have you seen anyone who fits that description?”