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Mary Worth, 10/7/14

Few things have unsettled me more today than Hanna thinking to herself “My grandson is safe with his mother … for now.” What could this possibly mean? Safe from what? Is he the Chosen One of Prophecy, with a magical protection charm keeping evil at bay as long as he stays in his mother’s home? Is this why Hanna’s been so reluctant to babysit him, because while his mother’s out finding self-actualization or true love or whatever, Hanna must maintain constant vigilance against the emboldened dark forces who seek to snuff out Gordon’s life before he can come into his full powers? Probably not, and I guess we’re never going to really find out, because right in the middle of this reverie she just stone-cold rammed into the front of Ian’s car, and I assume that his condescending rage will be both extensive and hilarious.

Apartment 3-G, 10/7/14

Kudos to Margo for maintaining her utter dominance over both Tommie and Lu Ann with one power move. I certainly hope that every third night over the past few months she and Lu Ann sat together staring at empty plates for several hungry, agonizing hours. “Look, Margo, I don’t think she’s coming home tonight, I could cook something real quick–” “No. It’s Tommie’s night.” “Well maybe we could just get some Thai food delivered, or–” “It’s Tommie’s night, and put that phone down RIGHT NOW or I am not responsible for the consequences.”

Better Half, 10/7/14

Remember, only in the sweet grip of death can you escape the extractive power of the tyrannical state! SUICIDE IS A REVOLUTIONARY ACT

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Mary Worth, 10/2/14

Thank goodness little Gordon’s cognitive functions have been completely captured by horrifying mouse cartoons since Monday, so he doesn’t have to listen to his mother and his grandmother bicker over who gets to spend less time with him! Currently he’s staring at Non-Copyright Infringing Superhero Mouse and playing with his action figure and pretending he’s participating in its uncanny valley adventures, so he doesn’t hear his reluctant caregivers dancing around the issue of s-e-x. How are either of these single ladies going be able to go on dates if they have to supervise this mute little ginger, who needs to have his bugged-out eyeballs moistened every few hours as he watches the Rodent Cartoon Channel?

Those shadows in panel one show just how brave Hanna needs to be to defy her daughter: if Amy were to stand up straight, her knees would clearly be level with Hanna’s waist. It’s not easy to say no to a terrifying giantess!

Dennis the Menace, 10/2/14

Speaking of unsettling size differentials, has Margaret always been so much larger than the boys? Anyway, in today’s panel, Joey, this strip’s holy fool, reveals his complete ignorance of the arbitrary ethnic labels that divide human beings from one another. Dennis and Margaret, already so fully inculcated in the lie of nationalism that it seems a part of nature to them, regard him with pitying stares. It’s a panel that’s truly menacing in its implications.

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Crock, 9/29/14

Reminder: When you see daily comics in color, those colors haven’t been selected by the artists, who generally submit their strips in black and white; instead, there’s a separate staff of colorists, paid by the syndicates, who add color for those contexts where color versions of the strip appear. I’m never afraid to mock these poor underpaid drones when their work results in weirdness or blatant historical errors, so I’m willing to give them kudos when they do the best they can with what they have to work with! Would a normally green cactus that loses its needles as part of a joke about it being “fall” in the desert turn orange, the way green leaves of deciduous trees turn orange before falling of their branches? Maybe! Does having the cactus be orange in the beginning ruin the joke? Trick question: this is Crock, and Crock jokes cannot be “ruined.”

Mary Worth, 9/29/14

It turns out that the real problem with Hanna Dingdon (side note: HAHAHA “DINGDON”) isn’t that her failing eyesight makes her a dangerous driver, it’s that her daughter just uses her as a personal babysitting services at the last minute, without any advance notice! Hanna has had it up to here with this inconsiderate treatment, and so she’s getting revenge the only way she knows how: by letting her grandson watch the most horrifying children’s programming you can imagine, starring monkey-faced rat-things bearing the logo of a literal broken heart on their chests, so that after every visit he’ll return to his mother a traumatized emotional wreck.