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Mary Worth, 1/28/11

Oh, man, why is this hilarious “I [heart] Santa Royale” mug not available for purchase at the Mary Worth CafePress store right now? Since the action here is happening in Mary’s condo, I’m assuming that’s her mug, which seems to be rubbing it in the face of the Smith family a bit. “Just showing my civic pride, new friends! Santa Royale is great, unlike your hometown of Goleta, which is of course lousy with kidnappers.”

Crankshaft, 1/28/11

Nobody in the Funkyverse in general and in Crankshaft’s orbit in particular is ever allowed to experience joy of any sort, so, yes, he has every right to be suspicious.

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Six Chix, 1/24/12

I’m totally in love with this drunken lump’s extreme level of dishevelment! I especially like the incredibly awkward position he’s passed out in, and the fact that he’s still clutching his precious, precious tallboy, even in unconsciousness. Also, that slice of pizza, just sitting on the couch with no plate or anything and almost certainly permanently grease-staining the cushion, is charming to me in its disgustingness.

But still, ladies! Do not fear that any man you meet on the Internet will be gross! My wife found me online, and I have rarely left any kind of mark on the upholstery in her house in the eight years or so since I moved into it.

Mary Worth, 1/24/12

Well, if against all odds and good taste Mary’s victory lap is going to be extended for another week, I guess having Emily and her family do the worshipping is marginally OK, considering. “It’s good to see you too Ms. Worth! We are so very grateful! And we thought to ourselves, what gift could possibly be adequate to show our gratitude to the God-woman who rescued our daughter? So we now present you the dismembered torso of Emily’s kidnapper, wrapped in a plastic bag for your convenience. A blood sacrifice for you, O divine being!”

Archie, 1/24/12

If you need proof that the current run of Archie strips are repeats from a pre-Internet era, consider this: can you imagine any news event so horrible that would reduce a seasoned TV anchor, cynical to the core and used to smiling his way through whatever words the teleprompter spit out at him, to tears, that you wouldn’t learn about until the six o’clock news? Anything worth ol’ Dan Brenon’s anxiety here — nuclear holocaust, one or more coastal states falling into the sea, a mass outbreak of zombie plague, what have you — would surely have been chatted up on Twitter or something hours ago.

Spider-Man, 1/24/12

Having realized that he’s far too incompetent to defeat or even find Thor, Spidey has decided to seek help from the Avengers, just in time to be four months ahead of the Avengers movie! Anyway, they’ll probably rescue MJ for him, but they’re gonna smack him around a bit first, just for fun.

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Gil Thorp, 1/21/12

Ha ha, the one even remotely sinister/badass thing happening down at Milford Ink — underage kids getting tattoos without parental consent — isn’t even happening, apparently! But don’t worry, we’ve at last got to the dramatic meat of this basketball season storyline: arguments about tattoos are going to tear the Mudlarks apart, just like tattoos are tearing apart the very fabric of our nation. If these nice young men with flat-top haircuts can’t keep their cool when conversation turns to body art, then what hope is there for any of us? Ban tattoos forever, I say!

Mary Worth, 1/21/12

Oh, no, Mary isn’t happy just being a hero anymore; after all, heroes are mortal. Mary Worth works miracles. Let’s thank God, and Mary, who is the Prophet of God! ALL HAIL MARY!