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Mary Worth, 9/26/11

Ha ha, for someone who’s been leaning on Gina for weeks to go find true love with the childhood sweetheart who’s long forgotten her, Mary sure hasn’t come up with any particularly practical method to bring the two of them together. “Gina, I know that soccer stars are the biggest celebrities in the United States, and that therefore Bobby is surrounded by handlers and bodyguards at all times, with an ordinary mortal like you being incapable of getting any kind of message to him. Have you considered camping out at the arena for days in advance, so you can select the perfect seat in the front row and hope against hope that he catches a glimpse of you as he runs past?” “No, Mary, I’m thinking of a more direct way to contact him! I’ll just bribe the security staff at the hotel where he’s staying to let me into his suite, where I’ll wait in the bathroom for him, with a knife!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/26/11

Oh, snap, it looks like Spider isn’t just another one of Rex Morgan’s endless string of punk rock villains, which is great, because the only thing better than ham-fistedly evil punk rockers are ham-fistedly emo punk rockers. He’s actually going to be a way for all of us to learn about the serious problem of teenage self-harm, and how you shouldn’t call kids who need help with real psychological conditions “losers,” especially if you’re a former petty thief whose mom is a meth addict.

Apartment 3-G, 9/26/11

Hey, wait, remember how Paul bought a rundown old house in the country, because he couldn’t live with his parents forever? Well, apparently now that he’s chosen a mate, he was let in on the Linski code: all mated Linskis must live in the quarters prepared for them on the Linski cult compound … or be destroyed.

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Mark Trail, 9/16/11

I feel that this is a good opportunity to point out that Mark Trail is probably the worst comic strip out there when it comes to depicting responsible pet ownership. Remember a few years back, when a terribly depressed little girl got even more depressed because her puppy got kidnapped? Now, far be it for me to blame the puppy-kidnapping victim, but I felt that at some point during the proceedings of that storyline someone, possibly Mark, should have said something along the lines of “Hey, little girl, do you know why those kidnappers were able to kidnap your dog? Because you just let it run freely around your neighborhood at night! In fact, even in some kind of magical fantasy world where puppy-napping isn’t rampant, your puppy could easily have gotten hit by car, or attacked by a raccoon or coyote! Or maybe it just would have decided to run off with another family. Keep your dog indoors or in an enclosed yard, always!”

But of course Mark doesn’t say this, because he’s terrible. In fact, he just lets his dog Andy roam around and go wherever he wants! In this case, Andy has, after pursuing a lady dog named Princess (which implies that Andy hasn’t been fixed, another way Mark is a terrible pet owner), ended up in the hands of Sgt. McQueen’s mother, the lady who’s been putting the Bible bands on the geese. She’s shown her villainy by putting Andy in “prison” (i.e., a fenced yard) and trying to find out who he belongs to. This is exactly the same degree of evil as was displayed by her putting metal bands with Bible verses on the legs of geese, which is to say none at all.

Mary Worth, 9/16/11

Oh my goodness, sexy Bobby Long is on the “New York Blazes!” He’s on their “most eligible roster,” on-field and off! Which means, uh, what exactly? What the hell kind of soccer team has a “most eligible roster” on-field? Or off-field? Maybe the “New York Blazes” is actually a stable of male prostitutes, that soccer ball is just a prop to show he’s “athletic,” and Gina’s long-awaited reunion is about to get spendy.

Six Chix, 9/16/11

As America grows more diverse, our schools need to be able to embrace and educate children from a wide variety of backgrounds. Still, I don’t think I could blame a teacher for disliking a student who’s an actual demon from hell.

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Apartment 3-G, 9/11/11

On this solemn day of remembrance, it seems trivial to mock the comics. And yet we must acknowledge that one particular comic is helping us heal. What better way to honor the memory of those who died on 9/11 than to browbeat some unwilling girl into marrying you just because she doesn’t want to make you look like a jerk in front of your family? NEVER FORGET 9/11/11: the day Paul’s jet planes of love crashed into Lu Ann’s heart.

Mary Worth, 9/11/11

Or you could have Mary Worth call you! I’m sure that’s very comforting. “Hmm, that’s odd, Lois never seems to be home when I call to talk to her about her dead son. Could she be avoiding me? No, that world require some kind of advanced technology that would allow you to identify a caller before you answer the phone. Guess I’ll just keep leaving voice mail messages, about death!”