“Buying real estate to impress the ladies seems to be the theme of A3G lately. I wonder who will buy Tommie an empty lot out in the suburbs. Oh, that’s right. Nobody.” –AndyL

“Coming back can be difficult! …Especially coming back from the dead. Oh well, I’m gonna hang myself anyways.” –Alison

“The last panel does appear like a suicide attempt but, then again, I can’t imagine Mary taking her own life. Only her own life, I mean.” –Felix

“‘June tells Rex she’s going home with Berna to deal with Dexter!’ I have no idea what any of that means! But it certainly! sounds! important!” –BigTed

“Rex is donning the Mystical Gauntlet of Opulence. Invisible to mortal wage slaves, it grants him the power of Unbridled Spending.” –Doctor Handsome

“Iris is dead from internal bleeding, because Trey ran into her, literally. No wonder Margo is in such a good mood.” –Nekrotzar

“Does Batiuk even know what an ACL injury is? He seems to think that anything that isn’t cancer can be walked off or healed by a dog.” –Esther Blodgett

“Trey looks more like Margo every day, to the point I have to look at the hair bun to identify which is which. Is that how she reproduces?” –Zaratustra

“You know, I think this Rex Morgan storyline is really going to shine a spotlight on the fact that Rex is not actually a doctor and had his license suspended years ago. After all, there’s absolutely nothing he’s going to be able to do about all the injuries about to crop up now that Wolverine has invaded his strip, seeking the only place less interesting than Spider-Man to hang up his shingle and retire, violently.” –Black Drazon

“For some unknown reason, Spider-Man seems determined to give us nonstop plotlines about freakish mutants getting married. Well, better here than Gil Thorp, I suppose.” –Drew Funk

“In my opinion, The Chambers Affair is one of the best novels this year … which must suck for you, since that’s not the name of your book.” –True Fable

“I’m imagining that each book in Wilbur’s apparently large collection is hollowed out in order to secret sammiches.” –Dood

“I like that the current Mary Worth has managed to capture all the excitement of having lunch with my dad. All Mary has to do next is ask me if I’m going home to play my Gamebox 420 and the experience will be complete.” –Roktober

“It’s actually a pretty gentle storyline. I mean, Mary could have drowned Jeff’s baby niece in the bathtub through neglect while coked out on Facebook or doing lines of Twitter.” –Illustre

“So he’s already spent 0.66% of his three million dollars. Stop him, Berna! Stop him! He’s not like you — he doesn’t know that money isn’t meant to bring happiness!” –Frank Lee Meidere

“It appears that there’s a sinister sexual subtext in today’s Spider-Man as Peter uses his amazing finger-placement abilities to try and get his wife to sleep with him. ‘Good morning, honey! I have woken from my slumber with a Viagra-level problem that only you can assist me with! See, even the paper implores you to “Yank Something.” It’s not me! Jameson insists, nay, demands that you fulfill your marital duty!'” –Sunstreaker84

“I like imagining Daily Bugle editorial meetings: ‘Mr. Jameson, a low-rent crook told the cops a fantastical tale of being menaced by an undead creature out of superstitious European folklore!’ ‘That’s the craziest shit I ever heard! Do we have any confirmation?’ ‘Nope! Just the word of a skeevy, possibly doped-up career criminal!’ ‘Run with it! We have our Page One, people!'” –Doctor Handsome

“Yeah, sure, they hate each other, but strangely I’m kinda moved that Loretta went to the trouble to get party hats.” –Ichi

“I think it was nice of Special K to change from her red track suit to lilac blouse in honor of knee cancer. Their ribbons are lilac, because you’ll ‘lie like’ a bump on a log without that knee. SMIRK!” –Old School Allie Cat

“What gets me is Les’s expression of commingled boredom, confusion, and disgust as he tries to cope with listening to a conversation that’s not about him in any way. If there were a fourth panel, we would see him suddenly blurt, ‘I HAVE TO GO TO A BOOK SIGNING! FOR MY BOOK!’ The fifth panel would just see the characters staring at each other silently, while Les waits for the women to apologize for boring him with the details of their petty misfortunes, and to offer to give him a ride to the signing and a foot massage afterward. In the sixth panel, that is exactly what would happen.” –Obstreperous B

“I things are tough all over and real-world economic woes are oh-so-rudely threatening to puncture Sam Driver’s bubble of privilege. Soon, he’ll investigate the roots of the global economic downturn, discover that a cabal of rent-seekers has been siphoning off the world’s wealth for forty or so years, and thus solve the Mystery of the Missing Money. (Spoiler: Sam has it.)” –Effluvius Erratus

“Wait, so they cleared the court and sent the players to the locker room for a knee injury? Even in the NFL when a player is out cold and can’t move their extremities, the players stay on the field while they bring out the cart. But in the Funkiverse, they want to make sure that injuries are played for maximum dramatic effect. I suspect the locker rooms have the video of Brian’s Song playing on a continuous loop to set the mood.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

Spider-Man: “Ah, the old ‘Maybe he wasn’t’ ploy, always good for bringing back a character when you can’t be bothered to come up with a new plotline. ‘But wasn’t Snailman crushed by 3000 tons of Kosher rock salt and his remains fired into the sun?’ ‘Maybe he wasn’t!'” –New_squid_in_town

“I call Wilbur’s bold fashion choice of a shirt today ‘Ode to the Kidney.'”

“I think Margo is just thinking, ‘Finally, someone turned on by frigid, cold places. He’ll just love my … life.'” –Badger3k

FW: “After the coach is fired for not having any control over the team, Les More will be hired to coach the team. He’ll change the name of the team to the ‘Lisas,’ call each player ‘Lisa,’ and then write a book titled Lisa’s Daughter’s Legacy.” –thegatwickview

“People obsessed with the trivial details of other people’s lives? How shocking! By the way, did you see how black that kettle was?” –TheDiva

“Jeffy’s stoop-moping has now become one of his trademark characteristics, along with ‘pantlessness’ and ‘abject lack of charm.'” –Cooler King

“I believe science has demonstrated that Thel’s neck would snap like a twig under the weight of Jeffy, The Prince of Pudge. Hell, I’m surprised she can wear a hat without collapsing.” –boojum

“So, basically, here’s the way the Mary Worth plot will play out: Mary will be choking to death on a fish bone, and Jeff’s digital electronic e-Book computerized reader will contain some document that explains the Heimlich maneuver. After her life is saved by the Booktronic Computome Digibook, she’ll renounce her former dislike of machines and marry a blender.” –Kibo

“Here we see four comics, all using the same limited color palette, but somehow only Mary Worth manages to be completely nauseating.” –Ethan Shuster

“I fear that the Mary-Jeff interaction is going to be held up as the model for interpersonal disagreements on the adoption of new technologies, and that we’re about to see a more dysfunctional way to be a Luddite. It’s Wilbur, so perhaps he’ll eat Dawn’s oversized smartphone in a sandwich, while moping.” –Aviatrix

“One problem is that this alleged high school [in Luann] has always only had about a dozen students, tops. Introducing an actual new student seems to be an extremely lengthy and painful process, kinda like giving birth to a Volkswagen. Quill is very lucky to exist.” –Poteet

“‘LOL! ROFL! Epic fail!’ hoots Wilbur in an attempt to connect with his ‘net-savvy’ daughter, then goes back to eating his expired cling peaches in brine.” –new_squid_in_town

“Oh no, my daughter is addicted to her smart phone! Stay calm, Wilbur. She needs you right now! Step one is to finish dinner: cramming these orange globs down my throat as fast as possible, by hand if necessary!” –Black Drazon

“If you look carefully, you’ll notice that Crock’s fort (I have no idea if it has an actual name) is flying the white flag of surrender. The French Foreign Legion has capitulated to the Tunisian revolt, and Poulet’s last act before shipping back to France is to try and find a book in French — ANY book — to keep his mind occupied on the long journey home. Sadly, all the writings of the foreigners have been burned.” –Just Some Guy

“Maybe the Crock author is ready to roll out his own home-brewed language, and is trying to first discredit our current one using shaming tactics.” –The Other One

“‘Well, Loweezy, I can think of another way you can pay those bills.’ Cue the wacka-wacka background music … or banjo music … or wacka-wacka banjo music.” –Pozzo

“Dawn’s relationship with her father may actually deepen if limited to 140 character communications. Is more really needed to discuss sandwiches and nothingness?” –VochoCinco

“How expensive could a jar of leeches possibly be?” –James

“Listen to your father, Dawn. Both as the target of a Facebook paternity fraud scam and an advice columnist who answers anonymous letters while pretending to be a lady, Wilbur know a thing or two about connecting with real people.” –Violet