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Guys, do you remember earlier this month, when I made a joke about Wilbur’s sandwich photography Tumblr? Well, obviously — obviously — this is a thing that actually exists. Obviously!

Anyway, now it is time for your comment of the week:

“Is Iris the on-call person for the Fortune Cookie Hotline? Reminding people to add ‘in bed’ is just one of the many services the FCH provides.” –bartcow

And your runners up! Very funny!

“I have long suspected the Beetle Bailey tanks were inflatable.” –Rusty

“Wow … Iris is puttin’ the moves on the old hobo guy. See how she distinctly eyes him when she says ‘In bed’ and he’s all ‘That’s what I’m talkin’ about’. She might as well just straddle him right there. Then I’ll just kill myself.” –Andie

“Look, I know it’s dumb to complain about the artwork in Crock, and I wouldn’t say anything if it were just the people and animals and buildings that were painfully off-model. But seriously, how hard is it to draw the sun? It’s a fucking circle.” –Dr. Handsome

“Really Dan? Flying in from Colorado? I’m not going to judge you, we both know you’re here to sing your greatest hits at the Ramada Inn Lounge on 52nd St. Now let’s hear some ‘We’ve got tonight.'” –Maggie the Cat

“Clearly this man is a genie, as you can even see Lonnie rubbing the lamp in panel one.” –Poor Thompson

“9CL: Oh my God. I think I’ve finally found my breaking point, and it’s seeing two chicks in bathrobes hanging all over an alarmed Seth. It’s like a stupid, hurty version of Three’s Company.” –Shem

“I like the band-aid on Mark Trail’s head. It’s a helpful reminder that he was shot, presumably in the head.” –SideshowJon

“I, for one, am predicting that Beetle Bailey will go into a Funky Winkerbean-esque slide into depressing melodrama, starting with the revelation that Halftrack is now developing Alzheimer’s. Or schizophrenia. Which one makes old people dress up like Flintstones characters, again?” –Sillstaw

“Note that Miss Buxley doesn’t say ‘the Army’s budget reduction’; instead, she says ‘our budget reduction.’ What she means is that Walker-Browne industries are losing money, and they are in danger of being taken over by Parker-Hart. General Halftrack is therefore being proactive by trying to stake out a claim on a role in B.C., lest he join the rest of his troops in being re-assigned to Crock. Can you blame him?” –seismic-2

Judge Parker: “I think Sophie’s blooming into womanhood will consist of the sound effect ‘BO-YO-YO-YOING.'” –Chyron HR

“Elizabeth Taylor immortalized the role of Margo in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf; Richard Burton played Alan/Trey/Jack, and Sandy Dennis was Lu Ann. The role of Tommie was played by no one, who received that year’s Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress.” –Uncle Lumpy

“Since Luann has the features and bone structure of a Jack o’ Lantern, she has good reason to be depressed about the aging process.” –Mustang

“Here’s a tip on making FW enjoyable. Virtually every Funky strip can be spiced up if you imagine one final panel where someone says, ‘Awwww, snap!'” –Captain Plaid Pants

“I’ve always held the belief that the best way to make a marginally witty joke sound funnier is to employ a funny voice at a key moment, but the Gasoline Alley suit guy seems to go for wild arm gestures and ta-daaa moves like he’s some sort of terrible pun magician.” –Drew Funk

Also there is this awesome thing from commodorejohn which was too long for consideration, but awesome nonetheless.

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You guys! You are I hope aware of [Citation Needed], the Wikipedia-themed Tumblr to which I contribute! You will probably also be aware of the associated podcast put out by mad genius Conor Lastowka. Well, I am in the most recent episode, talkin’ about the Wizard of Id! You will want to have a listen, I think.

Oh, and hey, it’s time for your comment of the week, of course!

“‘Script Westview’ is also known by another name: ‘Comic Sans Happiness.'” –Mibbitmaker

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Why is Constance’s nose growing? She hasn’t even denied killing Jackie yet!” –Chyron HR

“I used to fly kites when I was a kid and things were simpler. And you’re, like, ten now, right? I lose track of these things.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“How about this: ‘You’re a plugger if you think every aspect of your life is somehow more folksy and significant than everyone else’s.'” –Frank Lee Meidere

“I wish they would just end Ziggy and Pluggers. Both strips are played out, tired, and constantly recycling the same jokes. At least combine them into a single strip. I mean, Ziggy’s pets are already sentient and he’s, what, some kind of human-sloth hybrid, right? The caption for today’s Zuggers could read, ‘Zuggers talk to their pets like they’re people because actual people will have nothing to do with them.’ Alternatively, in Pliggy, the gas pump could be saying something insulting like ‘Prices are always going up, dipshit,’ or ‘Your ass already has plenty of gas.'” –Effluvius Erratus

“And with a triumphant and horrible cry, Mary Worth bursts out of Wilbur’s chest. ‘It was not this bloated oaf, whose maggoty flesh I have worn these last three weeks, but I who did devise this glorious, meddlesome scheme, I who saved dopey Dawn from the accursed Internet!’ At which point matters take a somewhat nasty turn.” –new_squid_in_town

“Now that is some goggle eyed horror! The Shoe artists must be used to the typical amounts of goggle-eyed-ness, and, like a heroin addict craving a fix, must be amping the goggle eyes to a ridiculous and potentially lethal level in order to just feel human.” –Conor

“‘I don’t know, Max — that just doesn’t “wring” true.’ My work here is done.” –Pozzo

Spider-Man: “The city is being terrorized — terrorized, I say — by a vampire with bad posture, split ends, and a propensity for hugs. Somewhere an emo band is wondering with ironic detachment where its lead singer has gotten to.” –Esther Blodgett

“Isn’t Lureen weeping at the sight of Loweezy’s wattle-scrotum-thingy? Lord knows, that’s what I’d do.” –Oregonian

“‘Didn’t Dag get the memo?’ It’s 2011 and he’s wearing a bowtie and a robin-egg blue trenchcoat — safe to say Dag has missed a lot of memos.” –R in CT

“‘Hobo tramp’ is not to be confused with Hobotramp, the Supertramp tribute band whose members are all homeless.” –frippy

“Well, he’s either Santa, God, or Aqualung. I like those odds!” –Chyron HR

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You guys! I’m back from my vacation, and I am as ever INSANELY GRATEFUL to everyone who participated in the fundraiser! You’ll all as usual be getting personalized thank yous over the course of this week, but for the moment, let me give a blanket thanks! And thanks also to Uncle Lumpy, who always does a stellar job of filling in.

And one more person to thank! I returned to find that faithful reader Aviatrix had decorated the comments of the week float for me — how thoughtful! Here is your week’s top comment!

“Two things popped into my head when I read Dick Tracy today. First, I thought, what well-rendered and vicious looking rats! Then, I thought, oh! I finally know a concrete thing that is happening in a Dick Tracy plot: someone is about to die.” –Sophie

And your runners up! Also very funny!

“Due to his head injury, all Mark can do is shout ‘WHAT?’ He doesn’t understand what Senorita MomJeans is saying. He just shouts ‘WHAT?'” –UncleJeff

“This story is a crime triathlon intended to prove that Mark is the most kickass outdoor writer ever. After a month of drug smuggling, the story will move on to The Island Of Sex Trafficking.” –Poteet

“For years I’ve tried to explain to my kids why they have to learn to cook, do laundry, and become potentially self-sufficient. Finally, I have the stuff to convince them. ‘Look, if you don’t learn to wash your own clothes, you’ll be dependent on people who can bring down your entire drug smuggling island kingdom!'” -MaryAnnTheRest

“Okay, so Lonnie’s willing to listen to Mark’s ideas for getting off the island, when (1) there’s an available boat, (2) there are regularly scheduled flights on Otto Pilot, and (3) there is a ginormous terrapin with a back the size of an aircraft carrier swimming around in circles just off shore, just WAITING for passengers. HOW many options does the woman want?” –Charterstoned

“There’s something about that ‘I may not be successful’ line that makes me expect it to be followed by some kind of artistic goal like ‘I will attempt to write a novel in which the vowels AEIOU will always appear in the same order before any repetition of vowels occurs.'” –Mr. O’Malley

“Apparently, internet addiction is causing Dawn’s head to slowly slide off of her neck.” –Faoladh

“Somehow I picture Dawn being sent to a clinic for internet addiction. It’s very similar to a clinic for heroin addicts, except they give you an Etch-A-Sketch instead of methadone.” –Scott Bot

“Oh, lord, the window. The cabinets. The cereal box. I can’t believe this isn’t intentional. The artist really dreams of producing a ‘spot the differences’ puzzle strip, and secretly works it into Mary Worth panels.” –Cloudbuster

“I want a Dick Tracy t-shirt with the eighteen or so identical granary panels, legend beneath: ‘Dick Tracy: The Storm is Intensifying.'” –TooMuchFreeTime

“Well, you know when newspapers license comics today, they have a lot of options available: they can request the color version, or the black and white version; the large size of the small size; the Euclidean one or the Lobachevskian one, etc.” –Nekrotzar

“You can’t really blame Tracy. He jumped out of the building at least twice. If Mordred didn’t get the idea, maybe he needed to be devoured by rats.” –gleeb

“Hey, not only are we getting a new team for the comic strip itself, but the Crimestoppers Textbook is now being written by Mark Trail.” –Frank Lee Meidere

“I suspect the word balloon ‘I’m thinking of the football team’ could be placed over Tiffany’s head at any given point and not be inappropriate.” –Pozzo

“Cartooning about dance is like miming about architecture. Or fishing about bicycles. Anyway, just pretend he’s saying, ‘I’m gonna kill you, Tracy!’ and she’s saying, ‘I HATE RATS!’ and it’ll be almost interesting.” –[Old Man] Muffaroo

“Most historians agree that the decline of literacy in the dark ages coincided with the rise of hexting as the predominant form of communication.” –Joe Btfsplk

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

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