Post Content

Your comment of the week momentarily, but first, an important item that you almost certainly missed if you fail to read the Letters to the Editor page of the Richmond Times-Dispatch. Fortunately, faithful reader Mary from Richmond reads it for us, and noted the following nugget in the midst of a rambling diatribe from Eric Pickering in Midlothian about cruelty to animals and the relative newsworthiness thereof:

The police shootings happened in tense domestic situations where owners allowed their little Fido to attack the policeman. While these shootings may have been inappropriate, none of this would have happened if the animal was controlled. Loose, unsupervised animals will cause trouble somewhere and also have a good chance of getting hurt by another dog, car, or person. Mark Trail should learn this with his puppy Sassy.

You can read the whole thing here (it’s the first letter on the page), but trust me when I say that no more context is provided to those who do not follow Mark’s adventures than what you see in that paragraph.

And now, your comment of the week, which refers to some commentary of mine in this post:

“Josh, I don’t even play golf and I know what Torrey Pines is. I do not, however, know what ‘Eli Roth-style torture porn’ is. I think this says more about you than it does about me.” –Monkey David

And your runners up! Also hilarious!

“Ha ha, Tommie’s a bit more sadistic than I gave her credit for. ‘Are you in those tacky clothes that you wear every day yet? Laughing at you today will provide one of the few non-bleak memories that I have in life.'” –Fata Morgana

“Why is Dr. Mike holding a giant kitchen match? Is he going to try to immolate Mary Worth? Oh what joy! She’ll burn and burn, but not be consumed!” –zenvelo

“Dr. Mike’s hand gesture in panel one needs a little work. You’re supposed to raise the middle finger, doctor.” –Digger

“I don’t call Jenna because I’m in love with her. And I keep my computer screen turned out toward my office because it shows respect for HIPAA privacy laws. They don’t call me Dr. Opposite for nothing, Mary.” –Patrick

“Besides, Mr. Policeman, sir, we need him to ’member where we buried PJ.” –T Clone

“I can’t believe my political opponent is about find out I have cancer, and I haven’t even managed to find out his name. Talk about an informational imbalance!” –ks

“Dr. Mike’s attempt to intimidate Mary with a demonstration of his physical strength backfires badly: ‘Alas, because of previous failed romances, my heart is as fragile as this pencil. One more disappointment could cause me to snap, just like this … like … this … wait, give me a minute … mrphh … just like THIS … RRRGGH…’ As Dr. Mike, red-faced and grimacing, wrestles the unbroken pencil to the floor, Mary leaves to go plan the wedding.” –Walker of Dog

“A ha! Its obvious that Dr. Roberts deliberately did not contact her right after the date knowing that meddling Mary Worth would come in and request an appointment to demand an explanation. Cha ching! Now he can bill Mary’s fat health insurance policy and still get the girl. ‘Uh yeah, I’ll contact her, um, I think you also need a MRI.'” –Government Cheese

“If Dr. Mike’s feelings are too intense to express, he should try chugging down a bottle of wine like Jenna. It takes the edge off.” –Petal Metal

“Hronk? That’s a noise I expect from a Mark Trail second-panel goose, not a … second-panel … deformed … hand? What IS Gil Thorp known for these days anyway? I’ve lost track.” –Dragon of Life

“My take on that last panel is that the mortgage crisis is far worse than we knew — they’ve foreclosed on Baba Yaga’s chicken-legged hut. The giant kettle was probably considered a fixture, so they got that too. And now Baba’s hungry, so hungry. Townsfolk, keep your children close.” –Écureuil Écumant

“The cop says ‘Let’s go get your dog’ but didn’t add and ‘Let the punching commence’ because that goes without saying. Or, perhaps, ‘Let the punching commence’ because Murf thinks Mark might like to make a play on words. He’s wrong.” –Farley’s Revenge

“With Mary in the shrink’s chair, I’ll be over here desperately praying that a cigar remains a cigar for the duration.” –jayjaybear

“It took me several minutes of serious thinking to figure out the ‘joke’ in Wizard of Id. Not only is that the longest period of time I’ve ever spent concentrating on this particular strip; it’s also the entire allotment of time I’ve set aside for reading Wizard, ever. I didn’t expect to use it up so abruptly, but then, I didn’t expect this strip to still exist as late as 2010.” –Mollie

“Obviously the waitress is giving him the cake to placate him until the police arrive. The seventh difference is the police in the bottom panel won’t show up before the massacre begins.” –Flamedrake

“Wait, Smitty’s alibi is that he was just sitting there watching TV with a giant ceramic pig in his lap?” –Andy L

“It’s too bad Mark doesn’t have a ring like that Phantom’s, that would permanently scar those he strikes. Instead of a skull, it could leave an indelible imprint of Rusty’s hideous visage. Then again, Mark would never wear jewelry of any kind. So maybe he could just pick the kid up and swing him like a baseball bat, whacking the bad guys with his face.” –cheech wizard

“Oh my. ‘Sam seems to have taken a liking to Jules!’ Does it still count as subtext if Judge Parker puts it right there in the narration box?” –Ed Dravecky

“I think Kat’s right about being mindful of the message one’s appearance conveys. She went through some heavy deliberation before settling upon the image she wanted to project: Hillary Clinton, business leprechaun.” –Violet

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And here’s where we could be giving thanks to advertisers like you! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

Post Content

Your COTW coming momentarily, but first: an EXTREMELY IMPORTANT ITEM (for Baltimore-area folks)! If you are from around Baltimore and are cool, you are already WELL AWARE of Fluid Movement, the local community performance art group that puts on water ballets, roller shows, and other awesome performances and shenanigans. You may even be aware that this summer’s water ballet, Jason and the Aquanauts: 20,000 Legs Over The Sea is a take on the Greek mythos of yore, and on the Ray Harryhausen films of slightly less yore:

What you may not be aware of is that this performance will feature me! My lovely wife Amber is a longtime member of the group and currently the president of its board, and has been trying for some time to get me involved in one of their productions, but only this year has a role suitable for my majesty been found: That of Zeus, king of the gods himself!

That is Amber as my consort Hera, and this guy Victor who you probably don’t know (but who is very funny) as Jason. The shows are at Baltimore’s Druid Hill Park pool on Saturday July 24th (at 3 and 5 pm) and Sunday July 25th (at 5 and 7 pm), and at Baltimore’s Patterson Park pool on Saturday July 31st (at 5:30 pm) and Sunday August 1st (at 5 and 7 pm). The show on the 31st is our benefit show, so tickets are a bit more expensive, but there’s a party afterward with food included in your ticket price, plus you get to swim in the pool with the performers after the show! Read more on the Fluid Movement Website or buy tickets at Brown Paper Tickets for the Druid Hill Park or Patterson Park shows!

OK, so you’re going off to buy your tickets now, right? I’ll wait for you to get back … good. Now, as your reward, here is your comment of the week!

“Jenna texts like a 13-year-old and drinks alone during the day. What a catch! Y don’t U luv her Mike? Y!?” –Shawn S.

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Jeffy Keane is pretty menacing … how many times have we seen his ass in the last six months? Too many, that’s how many.” –Binder’s Butter Beans

“I like the fact that Mark Trail’s phone didn’t even ring. Clearly there’s no one on the other end; it’s just a prop he carries to end conversations that lack punching.” –JD

“This week has been amazing. At the end of the each strip I’m so surprised I yell several catchphrases at once, usually GUUURRRL, OH NO YOU DIN’T, and MARGO IS GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOUR ASS. That last one isn’t a catchphrase yet, but it will be. Oh yes.” –Sheila Sternwell

“What pretensions is Funky talking about? Is he saying od’ing in the toilet is putting on airs?” –killercoconut

“The second panel is awesome! We are watching Jenna from the same vantage as Mary is watching — from the videocam hidden in the pink flowers.” –Flying Manatee

“Mark needs a landline because his plan is to follow the actual telephone wires to the ‘stachioed Sassy napper.” –Sans Sense

“Today’s Pluggers is just reminding us that anthropomorphic dogs, rhinos, and chickens prefer it doggie style. It is painfully obvious. And by painful I mean the sensation of dry heaving while clawing your eyes out at the thought of plugger sex.” –Thomas B.

“Mark’s insistence upon using outdated technology with modern-technology terms is actually part of an elaborate money-laundering scheme to process the profits from the twisted genetic experiments that spat out Rusty. ‘Memory card’ is actually a coded message indicating they’ve received another order for a vaguely boy-shaped abomination.” –Chowder

“What, the motel doesn’t have a fax machine?” –Red Greenback

“Even without treatment, you could serve two more terms as mayor. By the way, did you ever see Weekend at Bernie’s?” –seismic-2

“The Dick Tracy Stand Up Routine! Finally! ‘I just flew in from Los Angeles, and boy are the guys I beat up on the plane tired! Ha-ha! But seriously folks, they’re both dead, along with everyone else on that plane.'” –Black Drazon

“Wait, animals don’t have human emotions? What about all those pluggers? I’ve never seen so many bears, dogs, birds and other beasts so full of self-loathing and crushed dreams.” –McManx

“Do not attribute human emotions to wild creatures. For instance, these sea gulls are not actually ogling the attractive woman in a bikini. They merely see her soft, juicy eyeballs as an easy meal.” –Perky Bird

“Hmm, I just tried, with my primitive Photoshopping abilities, to ‘turn Funky’s frown upside down’ as they say, just to see if the strip’d work better. All I know is that it’s like some hellish Venn diagram intersection of ‘drunk’, ‘lecherous’ and ‘stroke victim’ and I intend to never, ever try it again.” –JamesMurton

“You know, I always wanted to be a doctor and have a Halloween-colored office with a twin bed pointed directly at my hunter green executive desk chair, a DVD player sitting on a bookshelf next to a dead plant, and my very own torchiere lamp! After spending so much time in medical school, I’d have no time to learn about interior design or cell phone technology from 1998, either.” –Patrick

“Of somewhat greater concern is the growing phenomenon of women becoming smitten by men in orange suits. It happened to Miss Cory, and she was successively bilked out of $50,000 by one swain and had to watch the next attempt to escape her clutches by dying. Then, Mrs. Roberta Merrill Magee took up with an orange-suited psychologist and was sent away ‘upstate.’ We would suggest to Miss Thompson that her affections are skating on dangerously thin ice.” –Fashion Police

There were also three comments that were too long for COTW consideration, but still worthy of your attention: gnome de blog’s contemplation of the effect on Funky’s future wives of their encounter with his grim, spectral presence; Ned Ryerson’s beat poetry version of Funky’s depressed, paranoid ramblings; and Perfesser Wut’s Snappy Answers to Stupid Question, Mary’s Interrogation Of Mike edition.

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And here’s where we could be giving thanks to advertisers like you! To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.

Post Content

Your COTW in just a second, but first: we’re all consumed by Apartment 3-G makeover mania, am I right? Obviously we’re all very curious about what the gals will look like, once they’ve been made over. Some commentors thought that the King Features About The Characters page offered a clue, but in fact the pics there are from the days of Alex Kotzky, the original artist. But now, I have an exclusive look, courtesy of faithful reader Brenda Starr Destroyer, of the future of 3G!

AHEM. And now … your comment of the week!

“SSmith: Every time you picture that guy from today’s throwaway panels having sex, take a drink. No, that’s not part of a game. It’s just sound advice.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

And the very funny runners up!

“This is what I love about the Batiuk-verse. Even if you’ve been in a car accident which has sent you back in time (!), you still have the presence of mind to make a terrible, terrible half-joke to an uninterested second party.” –Joe Blevins

“I don’t know what Mike and Jenna are on, but whatever drugs make you pick a pumpkin-colored jacket and matching Sansabelt slacks are drugs I want no part of.” –Patrick

“Tommie’s humiliation is somewhat spoiled for me, due to how much she’s obviously enjoying it. She’s the worst bottom ever. No wonder Margo is in such a bad mood all the time.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“Did anybody know about the reward? I used a newspaper ad so nobody would read it. Now, it looks like Rusty might get that dog back.” –Renee J

“Is Tommie really a singer now? Or was that all a ruse to get her on stage? I need to know so I can tell if this whole story is just mean or heart-breakingly cruel.” –AndyL

“I for one am disappointed that the naked Gunther storyline was dropped after just two weeks of fake ribaldry. Wouldn’t it have been great if the strip had become a single-joke comic called Luann Saw Gunther Naked? Okay, maybe not great, but better?” –FE

“Oh man, if you take all of Herb’s lines out of that strip it becomes an exceptionally creepy ‘Imma kill you for insurance money’ comic. Just look at Herb’s hideously bulbous eyes light up in the second panel when the idea hits him. He grapples with himself darkly in the third panel before clutching the coffee cup to himself, preparing to bash it off his mother-in-law’s head. She gives him a look of utter disdain … Mere porcelain can’t kill her, oh no Herb, you fool. Nothing can.” –Tophat

“Hey, Stan Lee writes what Stan Lee knows. In 1963 it was social anxiety. In 2010 it’s napping.” –SDL No More!

“This story arc explains so much. Obviously, Puppet Master also has a Spider-Man doll. He bought it years ago, and it’s still in its box, on a shelf.” –seismic-2

“Slim may have gotten ‘rocked’ after pulling an all-nighter moonlighting as a musician, but the true sports-hero’s-downward-spiral narrative comes with Mark Trail, as a closer examination of the dognapping neighbor reveals him to be former Mets first baseman Keith Hernandez.” –Harland

“You don’t think Mark Trail can hear facial hair? Guess again.” –Walker of Dog

“This isn’t Funk to the Future or It’s a Funkerful life. It’s The Cancer of Oz.” –Thomas B.

“Margo is bristling less at being called frumpy than she is at people thinking Lu Ann and Tommie are her friends.” –NoahSnark

“If this makeover results in fewer shirts buttoned all the way up to neck, I will be pleased as punch. However, if it means Margo stops dressing like Han Solo periodically, all the exposed clavicle in the world will not quell my rage.” –Business Pyjamas

Big thanks to everyone who put cash in my tip jar! And we must of course give thanks to our advertisers:

• Is your computer running slow? Crucial can help. A memory upgrade is one of the most affordable, effective ways to boost performance! Our tools find the right upgrade — guaranteed compatible. Upgrades for PCs, notebooks, netbooks, and Macs; affordable, easy to install; online customer/tech support.
• Hip and handmade! Cool people support artists! Shana Logic is 100% handmade & independently designed — awesome, right? Killer indie gear, including: jewelry, makeup, guys’ tees, girls’ clothing, yummy gifts, and great sale items too! Get 10% off with code: cute.

To find out more about how you could be thanked in this spot, and more about sponsoring this site’s RSS feed, click here.