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Hello all! Your comments of the week coming shortly, but … hey, remember last summer when a reader pointed out that Blondie was just rerunning strips from the ’50s? Good times! Now evidence comes from faithful reader Shannon that the Family Circus apparently thinks the comics statute of limitations is even shorter!

When I saw piggish little Billy chastising Miss McElfresh for “shopping” when she was supposedly “sick,” I knew immediately that I’d seen that panel in one of the FC books I’d had when I was a kid. I wasn’t sure if I still had the book in question, but found it when I went rummaging through some old boxes. I scanned the panel in question (which is from ’70 or ’71) and am sending it along to you.

You’ll note that the panel has not been substantially redrawn, though there are some tweaks: the dialogue has been rearranged into the innovative new “partly in word balloons” system, the old chalkboard has been transformed into a modern dry-erase whiteboard, and of course the solid Miss Johnson has been replaced by some piece of ethnic trash. The strip’s obsession with the thought that our children are being taught by flighty whores who might enjoy personal adornment is still front and center, however.

Shannon was also kind enough to send me a scan of the cover of the collection from which the original panel derived:

“Today it might be better titled Hello, Child Protective Services?”, he says.

Also! I got the following intriguing email from faithful reader Dave, currently living in China!

I am an SAT tutor in Shanghai. Rent is a little expensive here so I kind of live way out in the middle of nowhere. However, there are a lot of little alleyway restaurants where you can get a good meal for under 2 bucks U.S. Last night, I was on my way to such a place when I discovered that Garfield had somehow found his way to my neighborhood, looking sassy as ever. As you can see, he is either coming on to me or he wants to eat me. I guess this is where he goes when he leaves Jon to stew in existential terror.

PS: This Garfield was not hocking any Davis goods or anything even remotely related to Garfield. He was really just chilling outside a cheap, back-alley Chinese food restaurant. I have no idea why he was there.

There is something unspeakably creepy about the way Garfield is looking at the camera here. Dave, for not screaming aloud and fleeing in terror into the night, you are to be commended.

And now, it’s time for … your comment of the week!

“TJ’s background is obvious. He was created in a lab using the combined DNA of Arsenio Hall, Liberace, and a Portuguese Water Dog.” –Charlene

And the runners up! Very funny!

“It is a sad, sad criminal conspiracy that can be derailed by a picture on Rusty’s Flickr page. Just turn yourselves in now, boys. There’s no hope.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“I didn’t realize he had batted the alarm clock; I instead thought he projectile-shat onto the wall. Either way, his dexterity is amazing.” –Al of the Christian Singles Jungle Patrol

“Hot Hot Hot. A threeway with Love Story Ryan O’Neal and What’s Up, Doc? Ryan O’Neal. Lucky lucky Tommie circa 1972.” –Cranky

“Curtis’s dad’s expression is not one of surprise or amusement. My guess, given the circumstances, is that Curtis’s incessant anti-smoking hounding has finally driven him to replace his instant coffee mix with pure Skoal.” –Dragon of Life

“Wow, you know what I just realized? A picture shows images of things. That could include our faces! And our faces are wanted! Um, is it legal to kill a kid with a camera? Oh, what do I care. I’m a wanted man! I can kill anybody!” –un malpaso

“Jack Elrod is atoning for the chauvinist sins of the last storyline by giving the ladies in the audience what they’ve been clamoring for: a prison-hardened reimagining of My Dinner With Andre. You’re welcome, ladies.” –Joe Blevins

“I am not a pork item in the stimulus package … unless you want me to be. Wink wink. Anyone? Anyone? No? I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR MONEY UP TO AND INCLUDING THAT WHICH IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN BY SEVERAL DIFFERENT LAWS AND RELIGIOUS TEXTS.” –Nate

“Tommie makes her move! Of course, almost any price would be worth it to get rid of that horrible blue, um, sports coat thing from Gary, but I still admire Tommie for being willing to offer her body as a reward for his removing it.” –Master Softheart

“I refuse to believe TJ’s story until he mentions the years as an underage gigolo and the stroke that paralyzed his face. Preferably in the same anecdote.” –150

“I don’t care if TJ’s father was a con, or his mom died. My only question is that grin. I need an origin story on that grin. Did his mother die of Smiley Sardonic Rictusosis? Did his dad go to jail for stealing his son’s lips?” –Spk

“Mark and family are apparently considered the local technology superstars, the Lost Forest version of Steve Jobs if you will, based on the fact that they can be uniquely identified as ‘the folks with the camera.'” –DaveyK

“The Greaser and Workshirt plot could be the beginning of an absurdist parable where the infinitely distracted heroes never arrive at any destination: ‘Workshirt, when we were renting the car to go to Lost Forest, the Avis guy got a good look at us. Better head over there and kidnap him.’ ‘Greaser, that gas station we stopped in on the way to Lost Forest had a security camera; I’m gonna go ask them to sell me the footage.’ ‘Good thinking, Workshirt. Now let’s pull over and ask these innocent bystanders for directions … D’oh! The innocent bystanders made us!’ And so on, an endless Finnegan-Begin Again loop of covered tracks.” –Tim Cavanaugh

“Clint Brawny and Emily Armfull are scions of a paper-towel and baking-soda fortune, respectively. Blondie and Dagwood came up with a plan to seduce them on purpose, because, frankly, there’s nothing more important to either of the Bumsteads than a clean kitchen and an inviting refrigerator.” –BigTed

“Sam, fully aware that this can only end in her turning into another one of the strip’s buxom pinups, oversees the transition with a look of intensest ennui.” –Black Drazon

“I don’t know what this impostor strip is, but it’s not Judge Parker. I know that because there are no scantily clad women, nor men discussing inanely trivial details of their latest lucrative career ventures. We all know those are the only two themes allowed in the Judge Parker strip.” –Alan’s Addiction

“It is a little disconcerting for him to call her ‘Princess’ and her to call him ‘Sam’. Sorta like he’s saying, ‘Let me love you like a father!’ and her reply is ‘Can’t we just be friends?’ Which is odd, because Sam normally doesn’t give a shit about feelings or affection.” –Donald the Anarchist

“Oh sure, you think she’s cute now, when she’s fetching you beer and peanuts with her lowered eyes and her little apron on. But you won’t think so later, when you’re cowering in a hollow tree incubating one giant egg after another for a dozen weeks at a time.” –Joe Btfsplk

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

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Sorry to be a bit behind on the CsOTW this week … and you’ll have to wait a few more moments too because I have a few Items Of Interest to share:

First, faithful reader Gilgameshuggah sent me an old Mad magazine article featuring many classic comics artists … it’s too big to legibly reproduce on the blog, but click here for the full-sized graphic.

Next, thrill to the latest and greatest installment of Protectors of the Earth: Weekend Edition!

And, finally, perhaps you’ll enjoy this article from the Newark Star-Ledger about one young man’s unhealthy obsessions with Slylock Fox.

And now, without further ado … the COMMENT OF THE WEEK!

“‘Fast and easy’ is his motto? Does it appear in Latin on the Confey family crest, with fleurs-de-lis surrounding a stupid little mustache?” –Windier E. Megatons

And the funny runners-up:

“Mary Worth has relatives? I sort of just assumed she was spawned at the creation of the universe to serve as a counterpoint to God.” –Black Drazon

“If I am traveling in India and a 5 year old walks up to me with a 5 foot long cigarette, lights it, sets it on the ground, and proceeds to stare at me with soulless, beady eyes, I can assure you I will be menaced right back to the nearest embassy.” –sak

“Today’s [JP] episode could use one of those helpful narration boxes: Sam and Randy sit on the stairs and chat! Sam is the one on the left!” –Mooncattie

“‘I’ll get on the web and see if I can pin down this bug!’ sez Rex Morgan, M.D, ‘and by web I mean Second Officer Guido Tomas, and by bug I mean his hot sweaty man self, and by pin down well, I mean, pin down. I’m done here. Where’s the web?'” –Bootsy

“The only way to really tell if that is Judge Parker is to keep reading and see how long those three minutes take. My guess is halfway into the Johnson administration.” –Aging Hipster

“Martin seems supremely uncomfortable in that last panel. Should have gone for a better fitting human-suit, man.” –Ben

“That can not be Margo’s father. He has no horns, no tail, no glowing eyes, and isn’t covered in the blood of children. I would have accepted any one of those as proof of paternity for Margo, but I won’t accept looking vaguely like Clark Kent and claiming to ‘love’ Margo, because we all know that only Margo is capable of loving Margo.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Could there ever be such a thing as too many tears, if one lived in the Keane household?” –Donald the Anarchist

“And unpop that collar, young lady! I didn’t raise you, but if I had, you can rest assured it would have been with an ounce of fashion se–what? Electric blue suit? I don’t know, some guy in the hallway told me I had to wear this color, or I wouldn’t be allowed to appear in your apartment.” –Lithros

“I know we’re supposed to suspend reality to appreciate the light-hearted humor in the comics, but the stack of wood next to Marmaduke’s doghouse is just too ridiculous. A dog with gastronomical tendencies such as his would obviously heat his house by burning the bones of his human victims.” –The Dead Acorn

“Well, of course they’re going to adopt — Ken has had some problems with his ‘business’. Frustrating problems.” –Mike Kelly

“I see Josh’s relationship with Mark Trail, the strip, going along a similar path as that of Patty and Ken’s. Sure, the strip has abused Josh’s morals through its outdated chauvinist ideas, but pretty soon there’s going to be a day where Mark’s punching a dude with muttonchops as a moose makes a threatening proclamation in the middle panel, and Josh’ll just sniff and quietly mutter ‘Oh Mark — I could never stay mad at you.’ I’m not sure what the baby the two will adopt together is. I’d … I’d rather not go there.” –DigitalGonzo

“I have suffered agonies of shame in the past year or so over the extent to which I have allowed Luann to manipulate my facile curiosity. I have grudgingly permitted myself to speculate on how the children at the library would react to Luann’s slutty witch costume. I have resentfully checked in to witness Toni’s response to Brad’s nudist resort invitation. I am even a little annoyed that I still don’t know whether Elwood actually is a multimillionaire. But today I have found some measure of redemption in the fact that apparently no power of man or god can compel me to give the remotest suggestion of a shit about TJ.” –Violet

“Ken had some problems in his business and he was taking them out on Patty … surely a screaming child swaddled in dirty diapers will becalm him!” –Dagger

“Those of you who want to hold Jack Elrod’s balls to the fire may find some comfort in the knowledge that Mark has beat you to it, in panel 2.” –seismic-2

“There hasn’t been a smirk or pun in Crankshaft in over two weeks … who knew death could be this enjoyable?” –Hammertime

“Because if Margo sees as much as a single olive on her pizza, millions upon millions will die.” –Lolsworth

“I wonder how much of the weirdnesses on the comics page are, like the AGLU3000, shoutouts to some other blog or even less penetrable in-group. Maybe Rusty’s memory card is a sidesplitting in-joke from some usenet forum, and the bizarre dialogue in Mary Worth is all made up of anagrams of conversations on FurryMUCK.” –Aviatrix

“A3G’s go-to gag: ‘Ha ha, Tommie’s spirit is broken again!’ Seriously, look how despondent she is. You just want to … well, not give her a hug … or … not … console her slightly, or … you … ha ha, Tommie’s spirit is broken again!” –Dragon of Life

“Oh, by the way, if it weren’t dead already, the word ‘ginormous’ is now officially dead as a slang expression by virtue of being used by an A3G character. Perhaps this strip serves as ginormous’s funeral, which is why Tommie is wearing her ceremonial white Snuggie.” –Joe Blevins

“Dust
Vacuum
Mop
Clean
Bathroom
Olives
Die Unloved” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“These ‘drawn from life’ characters like Gertie and the cook here creep me out. It’s because I imagine myself dying, then waking up as a character in Gasoline Alley. To avert this horror, I have arranged to be buried alive.” –Uncle Lumpy

“I’m also pretty sure the current Mary Worth no longer qualifies as an ‘unfolding tragedy.’ That Valentino mustache, his horrible cover story, all the clumsy ‘I’m broke’ screw ups … Ted is desperately trying to warn her that he’s about to rob her. Yet Adrian ignores all these obvious calls for help and instead brags about the size of her bank account. Clearly, she’s an enabler. I just hope she has the decency to apologize to Ted when he gets gored by a maddened, vengeful deer in the aftermath.” –Strangefate

“Tommie’s greeting (‘Joe?’) indicates that she is as confused by all the bland lookalike men in her life as we are.” –gnemec

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

Post Content

COTW coming shortly, but first there are a number of exciting items to cover! I hope you will find them to be of interest.

First off, John Hall was the first of several faithful readers to send me a link to this amazing LA Times comics page from 1959. (I can’t actually seem to find the blog post or whatever this is actually used in on the LA Times site, but will add a link if someone points it out to me. UPDATE: Here ya go.) The whole thing is great, obviously, but here are a few of our favorite strips particularly worth noting:

Sadly, the preserved page was from one of the few days in which Dick Tracy did not depict a scene of gruesome carnage (though we apparently just missed a public drowning). Still, panel two should draw your attention, as Popsie appears to be weeping so violently that her inhumanly long tongue is dangling out. Perhaps she’s about to vomit?

Here’s Mary Worth, accosting a comical foreigner! My guess is that she shanghaied wealthy Cousin Constance, forced her to rewrite her will to make Mary the sole beneficiary, and then did away with her, explaining the condo-centered life of monied ease she has today.

This is Judge Parker. You wouldn’t know that if I hadn’t told you, because there are no tits in it.

Also! Many, many faithful readers pointed me to two interesting items. The first is Ombudsmen, a series in the PvP Webcomic that spoofs Watchmen with newspaper comic strip characters. It is funny! Also, in another sign that the end times approacheth, some Hollywood executives (who were almost certainly high, on drugs) have decreed that Marmaduke: The Movie should exist. I right now am personally volunteering to write the screenplay for this. In my vision, the film ends in the ultimate battle to the death between Marmaduke, with all his demonic powers in full force, and his owner, who has at last been revealed to be Hitler, kept alive by dark magic. There won’t be a dry eye (or pair of pants) in the house.

And, finally, faithful reader Orange Cactus sends this photo from a cybercafe in Mumbai. “Apparently Dennis is now outsourcing his non-menacing to India,” he notes. (Of course, Dennis has been on his extremely non-menacing public health kick in the US for years.)

Oh, hey, and what’s this post about? Comment of the week, innit?

“‘I heard the CIA job didn’t pan out, so she moved back here!’ ‘That’s what she said!’ has to be the worst construction of the ‘That’s what she said’ joke in recorded history.” –fancycwabs

And the hilarious runners up!

“It is so sad that Ted only has two Facebook friends. He used to have three. But then his wife died. Did you hear about his wife dying? He’s mentioned it a few times.” –Sunny Paris

“Even pluggers suffering from debilitating OCD are horrendously dull.” –Patrick

“He’s seriously injured! And look, the deer also dyed him a uniform shade of bright blue before it left! It may seem cruel to do that, but it’s nature’s way. I see it already coated you, Patty. Kind of stings, doesn’t it? You know, poachers kill tens of deer every year to sell their blueing glands to Chinese apothecaries.” –ouranosaurus

“Ashley! Watch out for that vampire going after your wrist in the hospital! The only thing worse than life in Milford is eternal unlife in Milford!” –Lithros

“Yes, every plugger must struggle with the three C’s: cholesterol, constipation, and crushing despair.” –Joe Blevins

“Recent structural changes to strips like FOOB and Winkerbean have me musing on the advantages of jumping Hi and Lois back or ahead a decade. Chip could be a new employee at Foofram Industries, working at a soul-stripping non-job at the desk next to Dad, with his long hair long since chopped to corporate-approved length and middle-aged bald patch well on the way. Dot and Ditto could be strung-out lookalikes, mooning for quarters down at the bus station for their next fix. Trixie would be ten-and-a-half, still in diapers, still unable to speak a word, forgotten by the rest of the family, continuing to mutter on internally about some damm Sunbeam. And Lois would be lounging around all day amongst bottles of Plovdiv, giggling insanely about recent parties that never actually happened. As for resetting the strip back ten years, it would at least eliminate the irritating younger characters.” –Mooncattie

“I don’t know what creeps me out more about this particular Gil Thorp entry: The old man pretending to be a trainer so he can reach up Ashley’s trunks to make sure her knee is OK, or the floating head that seems to be haunting Ashley’s bedside, hoping to have finally found a suitable body donor.” –Terry Loves Cricket

“Beetle Bailey may be guilty of a lot of stuff, including the crudest of racial caricature and casual misogyny, but there’s one thing you can’t accuse it of: relevance.” –teddytoad

“The reason that Alice got that error message is that she mis-typed her password. There’s only one e in infanticide.” –seismic-2

“No wonder the computer crashes … there’s no steering wheel. Also, you stink of gin and desperation. More importantly, 90% of the things we do, the stuff we own, and the clothes we wear would indicate that we still live in the fifties, so I can’t image that you would really understand how to use a computer. I don’t get them either, to be honest, but at least I have the excuse of being a five year old. I’m going to go sit in the corner now, because clearly expressing my opinion or showing any individuality is a punishable offense in the house. Do you know why I hang around with an ass like Mr. Wilson? Because at least he knows how to express an emotion, you cold witch. Menace out!” –PoeWar

“I think it is obvious that Patty is insane and Ken actually died as a result of his dealings with his antlered nemesis. Battered-Patty has now brought him back in the only way she can: by painting his two-dimensional face and shoulders onto the pillow.” –diddly

“The only thing that tastes worse than castor oil is cod liver oil. Or maybe the sour essence of defeat that every plugger must sample.” –Islamorada Girl

“So, what laxatives might other comic characters use? I figure Mark Trail eats grasses and ferns until things clear up.” –Brick Bradford

“That second panel of Mary Worth with the ‘Fragile … vulnerable … young…’ is one of the creepiest things ever. I think it’s his facial non-expression. I can’t help but imagine it being followed with a truly vile slurping sound as he licks his lips.” –Danel

“Haha, Ed! Just keep that suit on. You’ll save the undertaker the trouble of dressing you when it’s your turn.” –Harold

“You can’t blame me for being reluctant to let go! You know I hate it when people are happy; that’s what first attracted me to you.” –Alan’s Addiction

“In four out of seven panels, Lois’ eyes have seized open to a degree that can only be explained by a mescaline binge. I think she’s freaking out. ‘Who are all these kids? Why are they all screaming? Holy @#%#, one’s an alien! Must … escape.'” –David Schraub

“The real gold in Mary Worth today is panel four. Dr. Jeff voices an independent thought and he immediately shrinks coweringly as his eyes flash to his right to look for the blow he’s been conditioned to expect.” –Edgy DC

“Clearly there is only one way this Mary Worth plotline can end: with Ted cheating on Adrian, followed by her running back to the arms of her childhood sweetheart Anthony in a pairing heartily endorsed by her just-a-bit-too-controlling father. Wait, what?” –Windier E. Megatons

“Patty and Ken: Here’s to your future horrible half-ungulate, half sapien spawn. May it be the glue that keeps your abusive forest home together forever — or at least in shamed silence that none shall ever speak of or illustrate again.” –Lettuce

“My first thought was that April is, of course, still in the CIA. My second thought was, I wonder what’s for lunch? Then I wandered around for a little while thinking about bears and how it would be nice to see one again in Mark Trail.” –Bootsy

“Slylock’s official-looking ‘Warrant,’ when examined more closely, consists of nothing more than the lyrics to ‘Cherry Pie’ transcribed in a clumsy scrawl with crude, cringe-inducing illustrations to match. That’s the only explanation I can imagine for the expression on Koppy’s face.” –One-Eyed Wolfdog

As ever, tip jar contributors are the real heroes of the week! And our advertisers are none too shabby either:

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