Post Content

Comments of the week coming shortly, but first, a few items of interest! The first comes from faithful reader Zamboni Rodeo, who found and scanned a classic Dick Tracy Sunday strip from Reminisce magazine. (“Mostly it is what you suspect it might be,” he says, “people submitting stories about things from their childhoods and talking about how much better things were way back when. It’s a whole magazine of ‘you kids get off my lawn’ to a certain degree.”) I won’t attempt to make like modern newspapers and shrink the size down to fit the page; you can see the whole thing here if you want. Here’s the best/most terrifying panel:

That creepy child, born with a Crystal Gayle-length mane of hair and held up by some sort of mad scientist in black rubber gloves, is the spawn of B.O. Plenty and Gravel Gertie, two characters who still figure into Dick Tracy’s madness. The baby is named Sparkle. Sparkle Plenty. You cannot tell me that drugs aren’t involved in this.

Also! Faithful reader Clare points me to Garfield: Lost in Translation, in which the titular fat cat’s dialogue is translated from English to Japanese and back by computer, with generally funny results.

Also also! Faithful Reader Jesse C is preparing his strip, All Too Human, for submission to the syndicates. Help him out by voting on the best ones!

And now, your comment of the week!

“What kind of little boy has a dog named ‘Sassy’? Even I wasn’t that gay.” –Li’l Bunnë FooFoo

And your runners up! There are a lot of them, but there was a lot of good material to work with this week:

“Phantom, Phantom, stripes on his butt/ The ladies like how his jib’s cut.” –Mel

“And so, because Electro couldn’t succeed in sufficiently humiliating himself with that outfit, Spiderman must finish the task for him.” –buckyswife

“If those cleaning chemicals are as caustic as Ruby wanted them to be, we’re probably witnessing the genesis of A3G’s first Batman-style supervillain. Hideously deformed, Doc Joe will wander the criminal underworld for years, resurfacing in a later plotline, to the horror of all: ‘My God, his face! It’s … it’s … actually, he still looks exactly like all the other cleanshaven males I know.'” –Howlin’ Wolf

“Thank goodness for all those expository captions and speech balloons in Apartment 3-G. Based solely on the pictures, it looks like the goodwife upends her milk bucket over a man’s head while James Coburn gives him a shoulder massage. In the final panel, Dame Edna shows up with a cell phone. So much like my dreams, it’s scary.” –Steve S

“It was somewhere between ‘Back off, Joe, or I’ll shoot,’ ‘WHACK WHACK WHACK,’ and ‘Do you girls want me to taser him?’ that I realized I had found my Apartment 3-G Spot.” –Melissa G

“Mrs. Bloom’s soliloquy: I was the flower of the building yes when I put the rag on my hair like the Staten Island girls used or shall I wear a red yes and how he kissed me under the Tibetan wall in all my red silk yes and I thought well as well him as another and in the harsh glare of the Dakota sun I asked him with my eyes to ask again yes and then he asked me would I yes to say yes my apartment flower how will you Bathroom for me and first I put my arms around him yes and drew him down to me so he could feel my breasts all perfume and solvents yes and his heart was going like mad and yes I said yes I will pull that Tazer from under the pillow and place it like a scapular to his chest and find my trigger and yes Yes.” –Uncle Lumpy

“So is Montoni’s like the Michael Patterson of the pizza world, or do the Funkians only eat there because there are no other restaurants? I’m kind of picturing that scene in 1984 where Winston wonders if there ever was such a thing as food that tasted better than what he gets, only with pizza.” –commodorejohn

“Tommie’s stupefaction in panel two is entirely justified by the sudden tone shift. ‘Um, hello guys? I just went through some serious Cape Fear/The Shining bullshit, and now suddenly we’re all sitcom-laughable with the wacky taser-happy neighbor? Come on, when Lu Ann hallucinated that swirly pastel painter and fainted everyone was sober and concerned for weeks, but I have to Rorschach my way out of a bathroom and all of a sudden it’s Marmaduke??’” –teddytoad

“I don’t think Margo is as much taken aback as jealous that Mrs Bloom is packing superior weaponry. All Margo has on her is her umbrella, a shiv, and a small thermonuclear device, which is not so useful at short range.” –Les of the Jungle Patrol

“All that’s left is for Mary to swoop in and send Adrian to Vietnam. She probably won’t see any red flags there either.” –Uncle Fritzy Ritz

“Ah A3G, where everyone shows just the right level of childish glee at the opportunity to test out a brand new taser. Except of course for Tommie, who hasn’t felt anything since 1997.” –sak

“It’s the extra-large, cop-size tissue box — for manly, police-oriented tears!” –Gadge Cubic, Mole Preener

“At least he didn’t mention that the specter of his dead wife also thinks he’s dating.” –rhymes with puck

“Oh, now I get it. Cayla’s sort of drunk. That’s what makes these ‘dates’ with Les just barely endurable. Good for her.” –sugarpie

“The curious twist in Apartment 3-G is that this entire scenario is a complicated sex game engineered by the secretly-involved Mrs. Bloom and Dr. Kelly. ‘And then they’ll tie you up and put a bucket on your head.’ ‘Yes! And then what?’ ‘Then I’ll use the taser!’ ‘Yes! Yes! Yes!'” –yeff (Jeff Soesbe)

“If you were trying to choose the exact shade of beige that dogs aren’t, you could not choose any better than Jack Elrod has chosen.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“I have no criticisms or snide remarks for Dick Tracy today. Today’s DT is a thing of beauty, wonder and joy. I only wish that all strips had the brilliant audacity to turn themselves into a constant stream of disorienting, mindless violence perpetuated by the titular characters. It’d make both Cathy and Marvin worth reading, I know that.” –Alan’s Addiction

“I think Toni and Brad are about to have sex! Either she will land face first into Brad’s crotch with her big, plump lips smashed into his junk, or her uniform will come undone as she flies into Brad’s waiting … uh … appendage? Either way, it will be involuntary.” –Desert Ghost

“I see in the third panel that Mark Trail has now morphed into a new comic, The Adventures of Young Karl Malden.” –Capn Gravy

“I’m convinced Pluggers is a stealth campaign to destroy the furry lifestyle. What else could so effectively turn people off to the idea of being a furry? Certainly not prejudice and rejection from mainstream culture!” –avatarjk137

“Which of Brad’s squishy innards did Toni Daytona rupture or lacerate when she flopped off the ladder, driving her oxygen tank into Brad’s barrelly torso?? What, all of them? Good answer!” –Spotted HØrse, Jungle Steed

“I dunno, there is something refreshing about the straightforward laziness of today’s Pluggers. It is like the author just got up on the wrong side of the bed one day and when asking himself for the one millionth time ‘What the hell is a Plugger, anyway?’ he snapped back, ‘Douchebags who still use dial-up! Leave me alone and let me get back to trolling mininova for leaked footage of Wolverine.'” –Reepicheep-chan

“9CL: Like the unholy hybrid offspring of Love is… and a thesaurus.” –Winky’s Spleen

“Everyone thinks Brad is seriously injured, but he’s really just trying to hide the huge erection he got from actually touching his groin to the ass of a woman he isn’t related to.” –Hank

“CAYLA!! WATCH THE ROAD!! WATCH THE ROAD!! YOU’RE A CHARACTER ON DEATHY WINKERDEATH FOR CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!!” –The Mighty Captian E

“Dead Lisa, being dead, is the only character in FW who is allowed happiness. And as far as I know, dead people don’t get cancer. I say make her the main character.” –Mac

“‘Twitter’ is the sound Sally makes when Ted wrists her. (His hands are too dainty to make a good fist.)” –Comrade Denny

“You hoped Rex Morgan would devolve into gay porn? I was hoping it would rise to gay porn’s level.” –cranky

“That last GT panel is haunting me. It looks like the lead-in to a CSI episode. After analyzing the freeze frame, I can only conclude that Coach fired a blazing fastball directly into Robb’s mouth (note the impact lines), which has come out the back of his skull and evidently is now propelling his baseball cap offstage left as he flails in his death seizure. Bits of flying bone and/or teeth litter the scene for the final grisly touch.” –Talking Squirrel

“I’d like to think, with the way Cayla is holding Les’ head in both hands, that she’s about to say, ‘If you’re still so into your dead wife, why don’t you JOIN HER IN THE BACK SEAT?!’ and then she snaps his neck with military precision.” –Patrick

“Paranormal necrophilia sounds so good when I say it out loud but I’m sure to be disappointed. This is, after all, Funky Winkerbean, the strip that delights in reader disappointment.” –thurston unger

“I predict Funky laying off Les to save money. Les won’t be able to afford Summer’s college and Summer will start taking steroids in order to play better and get a scholarship and… I could go on, but I won’t. Let’s just assume it ends in tragedy, shall we? Mime death for everyone!” –zooby

“Speaking of 24/7 Big Brother style monitoring, Skyler has just realized his technologically incompetent uncle, unable to get news from anywhere but the long since cancelled newspapers, is unaware that The Regime has banned making jokes forever on pain of death, and that he is watching the old man’s mercifully short final moments.” –Black Drazon

Big thanks go to those who put some cash into my tip jar! And thanks must also go to my advertisers:

• Willie Barcena: DEAL WITH IT!: Available on DVD Cinco de Mayo (May 5th). Pre-Order Now! Watch clips at WillieBarcena.com

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

Post Content

Those of you who are up this late deserve your comment of the week without preamble, so here it is:

“Today’s Marvin is confusing. When did he begin disliking the smell of his own poop?” –Naked Bunny with a Whip

And the hilarious runners-up!

“Oh please God, let Dr. Kelly die! It’s time for A3G to graduate to the women’s prison serial it’s always aspired to be.” –Judas Peckerwood

“So now Tommie is trapped in the bathroom and desperately searching through the medicine cabinet, apparently in the belief that she can fight off a violent drug addict in withdrawal with a nail file. We know someone’s going to come through the door, but who? Tommie’s creepy boyfriend, who will probably talk the attacker to sleep? Lu Ann, who will get herself and Tommie both killed so we spend the next six weeks watching Margo find new roommates? Or Margo herself, who, let’s face it, is the only one in an A3G universe who can possibly do any good in this situation? Personally I’m cheering for Lu Ann, mostly because I want to hear what Margo will say at the double funeral.” –flodnak

“‘A child who can make his way to a military surplus store, purchase a gas mask, and correctly fit it to himself, is a child who can change his own diaper, or for preference not shit himself in the first place’ has been my long-standing policy.” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“You’re wrong, Ditto. Color is not making you any funnier.” –Digger

“If you can see an obvious, direct connection between a pseudo-holiday established to raise awareness and physically battling spandex-clad man-children, then, congratulations, you’re qualified to write for Spider-Man. Either that or you’re on some powerful hallucinogens.” –Alan’s Addiction

“Miss Buxley’s just doing her thing, hanging out in a featureless void, sitting at her completely empty desk wearing pearls and a black cocktail dress, when Zero shows up with a miniature treasure chest full of dirt. The army is really different than I imagined.” –Patrick

“In a better comic, this plot would evolve into a wacky ‘Ransom of Red Chief’ story, with our hapless criminals slowly worn down by the predations of their ‘victim.’ Instead, they’ll blather while Rusty manages to look both wide-eyed and glum — but I can still fantasize that they’ll suddenly become aware of the horrific creepiness of his face, and strangle him with his kerchief.” –buckyswife

“I wish they’d reimagine A3G based on today’s strip. They could have a crime fighting trio. The Professor: Master of the criminal mind, planning, and cooking. ‘Here’s the plan. Unlock the door. You go high and you go low and I’ll go make some spanokopita.’ The New Dolly Madison, and her scrub brush of retribution. ‘Unhand her or feel the wrath of the original American Revolution.’ The Claw and her optional umbrella fighting stick (keys sold separately). ‘I have a question, Mule … Should I disembowel you with my umbrella or just use my lacquered fingernails? Hmmm. Why not both.'” –These Strange Worlds

“Do you think God will think less of me if I pray for Margo to whack Dr. Joe with that umbrella?” –Natalie

“I think the Prof is just using tried and true tactics. After witnessing first hand the devastating effects of German shock troops (hell, the Prof. probably saw the bashi-bazouk torture his homeland) he knows the power of the disorganized but overwhelming initial onslaught. Send in the Margo! Tommie as collateral damage is a risk … no, not really. You can send in Ruby later on to clean up. At least she’s dressed for it.” –Big Sims

“I learned years ago, in Everything You Wanted to Know about Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask), that men sometimes think about baseball to keep from coming too soon and disappointing their lady love. I’m just now finding out that thinking about baseball in connection with Crankshaft’s joyless mug is enough to keep me from having any sort of erotic thoughts for three or four hours.” –Muffaroo

“JP: I hope skinny ties are making a comeback, ’cause I got a closet full of them. Both Sams have rather fetching ones on today, or both Randys, or whatever.” –Sans Sense

“My door could use a good scrubbin’! It’s a good thing no one can see into my head to observe how miserably stilted and lifeless my internal monologue is! Entertainment value and realism are for saints and fools!” –Dragon of Life

“Feel free to ask me about other parts of Luann’s backstory. Apparantly, I have no shame!” –Chyron HR

“I find the dead, soulless eyes of Junior Snuffy Smith’s friend disturbing. It’s like you can see through the back of his head, to the back of the newspaper, to the back of his soul, which he doesn’t have, because he’s a god-forsaken cartoon character in a cartoon that was never funny. Ever.” –ksilver

“If Adrian has any lingering doubts about Ted’s double life, the Sansabelt pants and the tucked-in polo shirt should set her straight.” –membargo

“Add ‘visible panty lines’ to Tedward’s list of crimes.” –scamps

“As usual, Marvin’s irony is heavy-handed: We can see from the title panel that the other members of the family, right down to the pets, are coked out of their skulls.” –Howlin’ Wolf

“I think the implication in that last panel is that when wood becomes unavailable, Mark would like to see bats made out of bunnies.” –BigTed

“My god, I hate Marvin. I am going to break into Tom Armstrong’s house and take a giant dump on his Xerox machine in a form of juvenile, yet mildly poetic, protest.” –Jesse C

“You know, it might be a little late in the telling, but Jeffy looks a little like a terrier dog who’s being taken to be neutered. On the ride home I figure all their expressions are will be different.” –kippetje2000

I give prodigious thanks to those who put some money in my tip jar — you know who you are! I’d also thank our advertisers … if there were any who bought BlogAds ads, and who thus get thanked every week! Sadly, there aren’t any this week — maybe next week I’ll be thanking you! To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.

Post Content

Hey everybody! I need to begin this post by offering an ENORMOUS thanks to everyone who put money in my tip jar during the Spring Pledge Drive. I appreciate the warm fuzzy feeling, and the cash really does help me justify dedicating my time to this site instead of boring, lucrative work. Everyone will be getting individual thankses in over the next couple of days, but I wanted to give a collective thanks first.

And we should all collectively thank Uncle Lumpy for his admirable fill-in blogging and hilarious fund-raising-banner-creating. Those of you who are long-time readers can tell the tales of woe and horror from the days when I’d go on vacation and the site would not update for days and days! Uncle Lumpy spares us that nightmare and brings his own wonderful sense of humor in the process.

Now, some of you may be thinking there there is really no such person as “Uncle Lumpy,” that he’s just an alternate personality my subconscious mind has created because I’m shy about asking for money. And to tell the truth, up until this past week I hadn’t ever met him in person, so theoretically this could have been the case! But when I was vacationing in [undisclosed location], he and I met for lunch, and after a (small amount of) wheedling on my part, he agreed to let me post the pic of that momentous occasion here:

He is, as you might have guessed, a charming guy, and he even has good taste in lunch spots.

Meanwhile, in totally unrelated news, faithful readers (and crack father-daughter team) Doug and Miranda pointed out something disturbing about the current Mark Trail storyline. Check out these panels from the March 16 and April 3 strips:

You’ll note that Mark and Cherry have switched places in the photograph! This can only mean one thing: Rusty can control time and space with his mind. Hopefully he will realize the true extent of his power before the moronic villains beat him up.

And that makes for a perfect transition to the comment of the week!

“My name is Rusty Trail. You took my camera in exchange for $500. Prepare to kick my ass.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

And of course the runners up are also hilarious:

9CL: “This is turning into Rock of Love, only with ballerinas instead of skanks….no, wait…” –kalki

“In the land of Funky Winkerbean, Les Moore is considered prime husband material. As if the strip wasn’t depressing enough.” –NoahSnark

“Just try this simple test. Let’s say this woman is the mother-in-law of Edda from 9 Chickweed Lane. Have her hit Edda with a frying pan. Snrk. Not funny at all, was it? Go on, hit her again. Again. You see? It’s actually sort of tragic, seeing Edda in a crumpled heap on the ground like that. Wait, one more time. Okay, now it’s kind of funny, but it took four times to do it. One more, and we’ll stop, I promise.” –Muffaroo

“I’m pretty sure that the two criminals have recently swapped shirts. This is probably their way of throwing people off. Sadly, this is their best idea so far.” –Digger

“‘Ted is NOT an honest guy!’ Yeah, we know. Our first clue was when he claimed he found Adrian attractive.” –AmazingThor

“That must be Joe. He’ll be upset when he learns the kids aren’t here … but he’ll be okay once he knows I sent them home with that nice man in the van. The guy had videogames and candy! CANDY!” –Patrick

“When Alexander of Macedon was 33, he cried salt tears because there were no more worlds to conquer. Rocky Ledge is only 27!” –One-eyed Wolfdog

“Adrian: ‘2+2=4?? That’s insane!’” –Mibbitmaker aka M

“The sexy picture of Adrian on the ad is making me question my sexual orientation. I think I’m going to have to come out as a dopesbian.” –Melissa G

“Out in South Dakota, LuAnn tries to milk a cow and is kicked in the head, resulting in a 20-point increase in her IQ.” –gnome de blog

“I am shocked that they would even consider eating bread products, even on vacation. That would be a crumby thing to do. Why, I would feel like a heel if I spent any dough on bread, or any bread on dough for that matter. Also, when I got home, I would be toast. I would Wonder why I did it. Wait, aren’t you SUPPOSED to loaf on vacation?” –The Restless Mouse

“‘Madea Meets Blacula’ — funny. ‘Hysterical Girl Tasered’ — funny. How did this happen?? Or is it just one of those a million monkeys at a million typewriters sort of things?” –Liner Notes Danny

“This was a full day’s work for Randy. Now it’s off to brunch where a bunch of square-jawed white guys will congratulate him for his gutsy handling of his single bail-hearing and big-breasted women jut at him approvingly.” –Mischief Maker

“See, the problem is, Tommie, we can’t really tell if he’s shaking you, or if you’re just moderately surprised. You’re the girl who bobbled ‘wolf!'” –commodorejohn

I will continue and forever thank those who put money in my tip jar! And our advertisers also deserve thanks:

• The Venetian Judgement: David Stone is the cover name for a man born into a military family. He has served in the military and has worked as an intelligence officer. The Venetian Judgment is his startling new book. “Dalton shot the bodyguard first, because that’s how these things are done…”

To find out more about advertising on this site, click here.