“This plugger seems to be jiggling both the toilet handle and his genitals simultaneously. And both for the same reason: to avoid having to pay money to a professional.” –Joe Blevins

“Even by Family Circus standards, ‘I love my dead grandpa‘ is a punchline so weak you could use it in homeopathy.” –Schroduck

“There aren’t enough comments about the totally awkward position Granddad’s ghost has taken up in the background of the last panel. And it is bugging the heck out of me! He is leaning back against the wall, but while his form is in contact with the wall it is not disturbing the curtain. And why would a ghost need to lean on anything? You’re non-corporeal, you can just float. Do ghosts get tired enough that they occasionally need to lean on things? How’m I suppose to suspend my disbelief when it gets challenged so?” –The Mighty Captain E

“The problem with Family Circus is that just the first two panels would have made an incredibly funny comic. Know when to stop adding, Jeff!” –Dan

“Forget about Kitty Cop, let’s hear the ‘fascinating’ story of how Buck’s job works because this oh-so ‘interesting’ character must included at all times, even when he’s not physically present!” –2+2=7

“I understand that Dustin is merely closing the car door, but I prefer to see it as him affectionately patting the car. ‘Who doesn’t treat me like shit? Yeah, you don’t. You can’t hate me, you can’t hate anything. Don’t ever leave me.’” –The Rambling Otter

“I really try for a Wes Anderson vibe in here, and of course I demand they not give me those cowardly thorn-free roses. They’d kick me out of the coven. What would Joy Division think? What you should be asking why Rockabilly Womp Rat wants to frame me.” –jerp jump

“The elderly bystander, played by veteran character actor Tom Skerritt, appears to be a Doordash cyclist. If so, this probably doesn’t crack the top 5 weirdest things he’s seen on the job.” –Navigator

“Gertie has the terrified eyes and frozen smile of someone who realizes they’re going to subject her to the whole story.” –A. Mulyak

“Oh, it’s okay to look at Michelle and Jordan now, because they no longer need their privacy? I don’t agree. Michelle is certainly not fully dressed, and Jordan just shouldn’t be seen in those indecent sweatpants. Wait, a tucked-in tee-shirt, with sweatpants? Yeah, I’m telling you, I really, really didn’t need to see this.” –made of wince

“The People’s Clinic, Santa Royale’s only true Marxist-Leninist medical center, no matter what those revisitionsts at the Royalian Democratic Clinic tell you!” –pugfuggly

“Don’t give up on your dreams, they have teenagers in Africa too!” –BananaSam

“Not a word about Blondie’s fading eyesight? She’s doing a large print 3×3 sudoko.” –Hibbleton

“Dithers has found a form of ‘negging’ that is more disgusting than the sexual one.” –Ettorre

“Mary gave me enough of her delicious turkey stew for days! Every day for most of last week, in fact. She just wouldn’t stop. Every day I said I’d had enough, but she just kept bringing the stuff. I wouldn’t be surprised if she came by right now, just to give me more. She’s not well, son. So, how many bowls do you want? Three, maybe?” –made of wince

“The look on Margaret’s mother’s face says ‘A bunch of young children have shown up to use my new, deep pool. Time to make myself scarce!’” –nescio

“If Loretta really is pretending to be much younger than she is, I have to admire her commitment to the concept. That mini-dress looks drafty, and also as if sitting would be a challenge.” –Poteet

“Man, this is one manly house: the exterior is brick, the inside walls are steel and counters are brass. No soft surfaces here! Just testosterone and loneliness.” –pugfuggly

“There is absolutely no way that’s the real Dr. Drew. Don’t ask me how I know and if you tell anyone I said so, I’ll deny it, but he’s put together all wrong. That is, at best, a wax replica that Dr. Jeff talks to so he’s not lonely (it spends the ‘work day’ shoved in a linen closet).” –Bunivasal

“I like how the outside lettering has DONUTS under HOLE FOODS to fool the authorities into not realizing what goes on within the establishment. Once inside, though, DONUTS (or, more accurately, STUNOD) has disappeared from the inside of the window. People like Funky, a stolid member of Asshole Anatomy, know what kind of food he’ll soon be munching on.” –Scratchy Scrotum LXIX

“Good thing it’s AA or this kid would be even more confused to learn his surname.” –Truckosaurus

“I am thinking about all the grandmothers reading Mary Worth this morning nodding and saying to themselves, ‘Yes, hobbies are healthy. I wish my grandson would understand that.’ And then they go back to thinking about how they can get a microwave recessed directly into a wood-paneled wall like that nice Dr. Jeff.” –pastordan

“Who do you think’s been watching the house, pretending to be me? That’s right, Natalia Bordonova, a master of disguise with the SVR. And who do you think’s been pretending to be Sam Driver? Yep, you guessed, Ivan Dornovsky, Russian FSB, assigned to keep tabs on Bordonova as she kept tabs on you. Katherine Parker? Actually Yvonne de Gaulle, one of the best DGSE agents Paris can field. She was watching Dornovsky. Given that, it’s no surprise that MI-6 pulled Seamus St. John Smythe out of retirement to pretend to be Judge Parker, so he could keep an eye on de Gaulle. That led Mossad to put Sarah Mendelson into the role of Abbey Spencer, and that caused Iran to put Mohammed al-Midi from the IRGC into play as a Sophie (he’s really good). All to keep an eye on you. Yes, you’ve blown your cover as Randy Parker, or should I say Helmut von Schmidt of the German Bundesnachrichtendienst. And who am I? Some call me April, but really I’m Mae Kildare of the Irish Stiúrthóireacht na Faisnéise, and honestly I’ve forgotten who I’m supposed to be watching. Spying is hard, Randy. I mean Helmut.” –Voshkod

“I have a pretty decent following. Not sizable, you understand, but well-behaved.” –Joe Blevins

“Now this is the kind of nail-biting action we love in Dick Tracy. The sinister Ace of Spades is willing to offer a cancellation fee, but will the nefarious Abner Kadaver also be able to secure his per diem? Or will these two malevolent masterminds be forced to engage the diabolical services of [thundercrash] third-party arbitration to settle their disputes over fair compensation?” –jroggs

“For as large as an organization as The Apparatus presumably is, I appreciate that you can discuss the cancellation of a murder contract in person. I would have assumed that the call would just be routed through an automated customer service tree: ‘Cancellation… CANCELLATION!!!’ ‘Canceling your order for filling pick tracing.’ ‘REPRESENTATIVE!!!’” –Quiggle

“BROKE: Being surprised that Hootin’ Holler has come to accept UN festivities
WOKE: Being surprised that Hootin’ Holler has come to accept the Gregorian calendar” –Ettore, on Twitter

“It’s not as if those cheap shovels could make a dent in the hard, hard Hootin’ Holler soil anyway. If it were soft enough fer diggin’, it would be soft enough fer farmin’ and not starvin’.” –BigTed

“Judging by that woman’s lethargic approach to jumping rope, this gym seems perfectly suited to both the Lockhorns’ fitness level and the amount of effort they’re willing to expend.” –Doctor Moreau

“Judging by his monologue, this is the first AA meeting Funky’s attended since the pandemic started. I assume someone ‘forgot’ to send him the Zoom link when they moved the meetings online. I also assume that person is currently listening to Funky and thinking, ‘I made the right call.’” –Mr. A

“I’m confused by Zane. Is he too poor to get a haircut or did he spend all his money getting a designer haircut?” –N.L. Urker, the Phillips screwdriver of the gods

“OK men, welcome to our daily socially-distanced, FaceTime happy hour! You know the drill: Get those thermometers out and let’s all take our temperature together. What do you mean you don’t get why we’re doing this, since it’s April 2020 and everything in Ohio is completely locked down and nobody can meet anywhere, and even if we had a fever no covid-19 test kits are available and there’s little to nothing you can do with that information? This is totally something normal that straight, elderly men do together during a pandemic. Now shove any thermometer you have lying around into an orifice and make sure it’s on camera.” –Carsick Yankee

“At least it’s not a burglar. A mere raccoon is going to find itself part of a giant sandwich in the morning.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“I like that Dagwood doesn’t have the energy to close that front door, but he absolutely has the energy to change into his signature pajamas. No sleeping in his underwear for this guy!” –Joe Blevins

“In the first panel the cop is trying to hold in a fart, and in the third he’s pretending he wasn’t responsible for it.” –nescio

“Batiuk working thirteen months ago, thinking, ‘I mean obviously this’ll all be over by April 2021’ is by far the most oppressively upsetting thing ever to come out of a Funkyverse comic, and he didn’t even mean to do it. His masterpiece, and it was a total accident. Amazing.” –Dan

“I can’t wait to bathe in Dick Tracy’s take on Goth culture. Truly can’t wait. I’m sure it’ll be perceptive and timely and in no way solely based on the time his son made him listen to the Cure’s Pornography on a road trip back in ’83.” –toxic

“Interesting how NeoChicago can simultaneously violate prisoner’s rights while endangering corrections officers. One officer on a prisoner transfer? Do you want violent escapes, prolonged manhunts, and climactic gun battles in which the escapee goes down in a welter of blood and gore? Because that’s how you get violent … what’s that? You do want that? Oh. Well, carry on, NCPD.” –Voshkod

“The main message I’m getting here is that no one in Crankshaft’s actual family, who he lives with, cares if he’s sick or not.” –Mr. A

“I know a little about fundraising! First, you discover a product which has a very high mark-up and then send out unpaid schoolchildren to go door-to-door coercing grown-ups into buying it based on their familial connections or relationship to the school or the nostalgia of adults for their own youthful aspirations. The only thing we’re missing from that formula is everything.” –But What Do I Know?

“For all you women who think you can treat Crankshaft like a piece of meat — apparently that’s how he sees himself, so continue!” –jenna

“I read Dustin and was like, ‘OK, those two and the offscreen child, where’s the joke?’ I am proud that I have not been Stockholm-Syndromed into learning how many children the Dustins have or assuming that there will be a joke.” –matt w

“I don’t know whether Drew should be dissatisfied with his life, but Jeff definitely should be dissatisfied with his nose job.” –seismic-2

“There’s a common trope in Japanese manga about love budding when someone forgets an umbrella and their potential partner fetching one to protect them from the elements. The Family Circus is now extremely stupid yaoi romance, is what I’m saying, I will brook no deviation from newly-established canon.” –pastordan

“What the fuck is on Chip’s head? I know these strips are written by impossibly old men who understand golf and nothing else, but you’d think one of them would have seen a hat before.” –Rosstifer

“Speaking of facial expressions, I’m always fascinated by the ones sported by ancillary characters in the Lockhorns. Look at this woman, for example: I have no idea what she’s doing here but she has clearly dissociated completely from her body, hopefully with the help of some powerful drugs.” –pugfuggly

“You’re a plugger if you qualify for the rarely-claimed refundable cross-species marital credit.” –Lawyerbob

“Leroy wanted to see how his dream would turn out, his dream of lying motionless in a featureless void while an endless parade of women marches past, each commenting on the futility of that very dream. That’s when he swore he would never again sneak some of Loretta’s medication.” –grsblvnyk

“Hi is still bitter that the Monkees broke up. Wait, he’s how old in 2021? Yikes… Hi is still bitter that Chumbawamba broke up.” –BigTed

“‘Drew will find his way. They usually do.’ ‘I hope you’re right, Mary, but I have yet to see any peer-reviewed longitudinal studies demonstrating that Drews usually do!’” –Effluvius Erratus

“Hi has always seemed like kind of a dick, in all honesty, but he more and more seems like a clinically depressed dick.” –Rube

“‘You can’t have a tattoo!’ ‘Because it’s permanent?’ ‘No, quite the opposite. Because of our negative continuity, no change can last beyond the last panel and by the next day the status quo will have been entirely restored.’ ‘That’s soul-crushing!’ ‘Yes, but we’ll forget it by the end of the strip.’” –Ettorre