Archive: Middletons

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Crock, 6/9/06

You know, there’s a certain tension that comes from having sentient talking animals exist in a cartoon world where animals are killed and eaten. Usually that tension is sort of glossed over. But if you want to be a pointlessly cruel bastard about it, hey, knock yourself out. You wouldn’t be the first.

Apartment 3-G, 6/9/06

I’m not sure where Margo suddenly arrived from, but based on how manic she is and how wide her pupils are, I’m guessing she was doing rail after rail of coke while she there. I think all of us know that she’s going to invite herself along to this party and make some kind of horrifying spectacle of herself, which is actually lucky for Lu Ann and Tommie, since she’ll distract from the fact that they’ve chosen to go to a party full of artists and hipsters decked out in pastel suit jackets like a couple of up-and-coming Junior Leaguers.

Margo is not free of fashion sins herself. This is not the first time she has rocked the popped collar, but that doesn’t make it OK.

The Middletons, 6/9/06

Revelations 13:16-19: “And he causeth all, both small and great, rich and poor, free and bond, to receive a mark in their right hand, or in their foreheads: And that no man might buy or sell, save he that had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name. Here is wisdom. Let him that hath understanding count the number of the beast: for it is the number of a man; and his number is Six hundred threescore and six.” Good job, the Middletons for depicting the mechanized beginning of the end times, and only three days late.

Mary Worth, 6/9/06

Oh my God, are Kelly and Lou going to start going at it right up against the wall? You haters hate all you want, but this is hot stuff! Hot … hawwwwt.

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The Middletons, 5/18/06

I’ve often excoriated The Middletons for its extreme middle-of-the-road bland lameness, for a mediocrity so shameless that it makes Herb and Jamaal look somewhat above average. But there’s one thing that I have to give it credit for: it deals unflinchingly with the sex lives of old people.


No, I’m not joking.

OK, laugh it up, whippersnapper, but you’re going to be old some day, and you’re still going to want to get it on, and the last thing you’ll want is some young punk acting like his or her generation invented sex. Like you never got freak nasty back in the day!

Well, maybe you didn’t, in which case, you’d want to get busy with a suspender-clad, bow-tie wearing senior hunk all the more. My point, though, is that The Middletons proudly features a sexually aggressive old lady character, and all of us who are now or who will someday be old ought to salute that.

But no matter what your age, don’t talk about it in front of your kids though, because: ew.

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B.C., 4/19/06

See, here’s the thing: “an eclipse of the sun” and “night”: not the same thing. Having long waged war on biology, B.C. has apparently decided to move on to astronomy next.

Hey, look at what’s-his-name’s face in the second panel! He hates this just as much as we do.

Gil Thorp, 4/19/06

Wow, Gil looks pretty pissed off in panel three. I think his motivation for this little heart-to-heart with the Rap Dog is less “Here’s a kid who could really benefit from a college education — if only he’d get motivated!” and more “God damn it, I thought I was finally going to be rid of him — if this hump is still hanging around this town next year, I will have to kill him.”

The Middletons, 4/19/06

Ha ha, it’s funny because his mother wants to harvest his organs! Wait, did I say “funny”? I meant “horrifying.”