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Pardon My Planet, 8/25/24

Ha ha, you guys, you know how Superman has heat vision, right? Well, what if — hear me out — what if he was out with his girlfriend, Lois Lane, but was subtly eyeing some other lady who he found attractive, but then his heat vision activated, possibly because he got horny, and then he set her on fire? Like, literally on fire, probably one of the most terrifying and horrific things someone could experience, her screams and the smell of burning flesh filling the restaurant. And then Lois is like “Superman! I’m mad at you!” Not because of the checking the lady out thing (they’re polyamorous), but because he’s horribly injured that woman and traumatized a bunch of people who just wanted a nice dinner out. Not so “super,” is it?

Mary Worth, 8/25/24

Oh, God, Dr. Ed absolutely has an elaborately colored spreadsheet on that laptop with the expected lifespan of all his patients on it, right? And there are a bunch of red cells in the coming week or so? Ed is the first vet who’s managed to really quantify exactly when every animal under his care is going to die, and he thought it would help him run his business more efficiently, but actually it’s crushing and depressing, just like the gift of prophecy always is. No fancy ball/exotic zoo theme can lift this burden from his shoulders!

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Judge Parker, 7/27/24

Hey, remember how Neddy’s fiance was grumpy about some kind of family business drama? Well, big news: Sophie’s not-boyfriend’s brother, who’s also not her boyfriend (ha ha, but what if…?) is also involved in some kind of family business drama! Now, are these the same family and/or the same drama? It doesn’t seem possible, based on the details as I understand them, but on the other hand, why would this strip inflict two separate boringly vague Spencer Girls Get Entangled In Family Business Drama storylines on us? Why would they do that to me, personally?

Beetle Bailey, 7/27/24

Sorry to nitpick a Beetle Bailey strip that actually has a pretty good joke in it, but in panel two Sarge is being tended to by Doctor Bonkus, the camp’s resident psychiatrist. While he’s technically an M.D., I don’t think he’s the correct practitioner for this job, unless the psychic stress of being proven wrong by Beetle has finally pushed Sarge over the edge into madness.

Pardon My Planet, 7/27/24

CARTOONIST, READING GENESIS 2:9 LOOKING FOR IDEAS FOR A COMIC PANEL, GETTING TO THE PHRASE “TREE OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF GOOD AND EVIL” BUT STOPPING READING RIGHT AS HE ARRIVES AS “AND”: Probably the rest of this phrase is “and bad tasting fruit.” No need to waste time reading any further! Today’s joke is ready!

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Pardon My Planet, 5/22/24

As a hopeless Coke Zero addict, I of course respect any monument to those who fought and died in the name of delicious soda pop. But why is this monument out in the middle of the countryside, rather than gracing one of our great cities? At first, I was upset, but now I see that patriotic Americans are willing to hike great distances to see it in all its majesty, which makes it much more meaningful, I think.

Hi and Lois, 5/22/24

As no punchline His and Loises go, this one is pretty good! “It’s fun to rip” is a nice catchphrase for a baby — it is indeed fun to rip, for kids and adults alike. I also enjoy Chip telling his dad, who is almost certainly a Millennial, that he needs to “go digital” to keep up with the times.

Mary Worth, 5/22/24

Yeah, yeah, Wilbur is falling further and further into despair, but are you telling me that some plebeian Doordasher was allowed through Charterstone’s walled perimeter and is now wandering freely through the grounds and hallways without being accompanied by a resident at all times? Wilbur’s going to be hearing about this from Mary, just like he’s going to be hearing about the condo association bylaws’ surprisingly explicit rules about corpse disposal.