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Archive: Phantom

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Murderous wolf-dogs have enough love in their hearts for EVERYONE

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Archie, 10/12/12

Let’s forget for the moment Reggie’s absurd claim that his laptop has petabytes of storage, and the fact that he and Jughead are having one of those hilarious “haha we are misunderstanding each other’s use of polysemous phrases, with hilarious results!” conversations that no humans ever have, ever, or even that Jughead might be vaguely implying that his beloved dog is a cyborg replicant. Let’s instead enjoy the glory and majesty of Reggie’s sweater, which is the ’90sest sweater that ever lit a candle at a spontaneous vigil that formed on the quad the night Kurt Cobain committed suicide and then later got a “Rachel” haircut. Admire it in all its Clinton-era glory!

Phantom, 10/12/12

Look, I’m the guy who will bawl uncontrollably in a movie whenever an adorable animal is killed or injured in the most transparently emotionally manipulative fashion you can name, but … hey Phantom, I know you’re hurting, but you’re being kind of a dick here? “HE WAS TRYING TO PROTECT BOTH OF US, OKAY? BUT MOSTLY ME, OKAY? BACK OFF, MAN, HE’S MY LOYAL WOLF-DOG!!!”

Funky Winkerbean, 10/12/12

“Yeah, my first wife sure scarred me emotionally and left me the morbid hate-sack I am today! How about your first wife? Oh, right, dropped dead. Hey, look, I have a whole pizza here, let’s punish our colons with it!”

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Thrill to the discussion of aboriginal title in common law jurisdictions!

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The Phantom, 9/4/12

Hey, everybody, the Phantom is starting a new plot! This one’s of the type that fascinate me the most, where the strip genuinely tries to grapple with the sociopolitical realities of post-colonial Africa. In this plot, the Llongo, a tribe living in rural Bangalla, are negotiating with some businessdudes over a treasure trove of rare earth metals sitting under Llongo land. Today we learn that, like many African people, the Llongo suffered from violent attempts to expropriate their resources during the colonial era. Will the new multinational elite treat them badly in their own way? I’m guessing “yes,” since otherwise there’ll be no plot! Still, the best thing about this strip is the Phantom talking about “the law!” while putting a large book on a shelf with dozens of other volumes that look just like it, making him appear to be The Ghost-Who-Advertises-Legal-Services-On-Local-TV. No doubt he will eventually be enforcing various contract provisions and environmental regulations … with his fists.

Momma, 9/4/12

Since Francis’s predominant personality trait is sloth, we must determine how his flailing energetically about in a backyard pool fits in with his larger plans to never do any work whatsoever if he can avoid it. Does Francis believe that if he sends this photo to Michael Phelps the swimmer will invite him to become part of his posse and possibly put him in charge of bong maintenance? Or are we seeing another side of Francis’s character — the side where he wants nothing to do with Momma in non-Momma-giving-money-to-Francis contexts — and this is an attempt to appear so aggressively deranged that Momma stops hanging out with him?

Archie, 9/4/12

I thought at first that Jughead looked so pissed in the final panel because of his contempt for low-calorie foodstuffs, but then I decided that he rightfully believes that the terrible sub-pun he’s being forced to recite is beneath even his dignity.

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It’ll be hilarious assuming you find dog farts amusing, which you OBVIOUSLY DO

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The Phantom, 4/9/12

For those who came in late, that’s Phantom creator Lee Falk just stone cold chilling in first class, ready to lay down a little exposition, while the Ghost Who Is Cheap squeezes with his wards into a three-abreast row in coach. Of course, if you were the sort who needed a little Falkian guidance right about now, you’d probably also be baffled by this fellow hoisting his martini glass and saying “For those who came in late” without any context, but whatever. Lee Falk does not feel any obligation to hurry up and fit a complete sentence into this strip just to make it easier for people who aren’t paying adequate attention to his creation’s adventures. He’s just going to sip that fancy drink and tell you what’s what in his own sweet time, demonstrating the sort of cool sang-froid that ensured that airport security didn’t dare ask about his skull cane/bludgeon.

Apartment 3-G, 4/9/12

For once, I’m kind of thankful for the ongoing writer-artist estrangement at Apartment 3-G, which today has taken the form of “I never would’ve thought to choose this furniture, and if nobody’s going to describe it it’s sure as hell not going to get drawn, so let’s just stand here in front of this stepladder with no steps.” This way instead of whatever bland nursery accoutrements Margo probably got, I can imagine that a better and more interesting set of furniture lurks just below the bottom of the frame. “I never would’ve thought to buy baby furniture covered with rusty iron spikes, but if you say that it’ll toughen our son or daughter up for life in the big city, I’ll take your word for it!”

Marvin, 4/9/12

Are you worried that the jokes about Marvin pooping that you tune into Marvin for are going to be replaced by jokes about Bitsy farting? Don’t worry, we’ll be back to the Marvin-pooping content you love soon; the strip is just going to spend a few days setting up the new spin-off strip, Bitsy, which will focus exclusively on Bitsy farting. It’ll be hilarious!