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Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/12/17

“Well, how about the toast, then? With the crusts on, obviously — that’s where the nutrients are. Also, no butter or jam. Fats and sugars are the silent killers! But don’t worry, you can pair it with a piping lukewarm glass of tap water!”

Marvin, 7/12/17

Oh man, Dr. Dog is about to get some furious letters from Welsh corgis, along with some nuanced explainers on geographical nomenclature from the Unionist Irish wolfhound community.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/12/17

[Inside the offices of Conaco, LLC]

ASSISTANT: …oh, and there’s also that request from that comic strip artist to use your likeness in a ComicCon plotline.

CONAN O’BRIEN: Oh, right. Sure, say yes to that. It’ll be a good promo for the shows I’m going to be taping there.

ASSISTANT: So do you want them to sign something promising you won’t be portrayed in the comic strip as some kind of cartoonishly sexist boor?

CONAN O’BRIEN: What? Why … why would they even do that? That seems unnecessary. I’m sure it’ll be fine!

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Crock, 7/7/17

If you’re interested in a comic strip with jokes about working in a diner and navel rings, written by someone who only has a passing familiarity with how restaurant staffing, salad preparation, and navel rings work, then today’s Crock is for you, my friend!

Dennis the Menace, 7/7/17

Nice to see that the Mitchells are continuing to enjoy their psychosexual beach vacation!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 7/7/17

Welp, looks like Rex Morgan has wrapped up its thrilling “some teens are gay!” adventure and is ready to embark on a brand new thrilling “the Internet is a great way to reconnect with long-lost friends!” adventure.

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Judge Parker, 6/27/17

Oh, hey, good news: Abbey’s secret half-sister was trying to break Sophie’s will by keeping her in a pit and make Sophie hate Abbey too, but she didn’t! Everyone’s happy and they love each other again! So that problem is all solved and everything is all right in Parkerville … except whoops Randy’s beloved pregnant wife still hasn’t been found after she vanished doing One Last Job for the CIA, and he’s taking it pretty hard. Lots of takeout is to be expected, of course, but sitting on the couch staring at a teddy bear? That’s some high-quality lost-wife moping.

Fortunately, Judge Parker Senior is here to get his son to snap out of it. “Randy, you can’t live like this,” he pleads. “Someone’s gotta be the judge in this town, and I’m busy promoting my terrible, unreadable book full time! You’ve got to move on! Do you think I just stared at a damn stuffed animal all day when your mother mysteriously vanished? Of course not! I got a new, younger, hotter wife, just like I have every five years ever since! Pull yourself together, man!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/27/17

“So, Niki took me to this show the arts high kids put on … and they invited me to this weekly game night thing … and I just want to know … am I a nerd now? Remember how I used to be a sexy badass? Is there any going back, or am I stuck like this forever?”

Dick Tracy, 6/27/17

Sorry, comics creators carefully working on the perfect setup-punchline combination: nothing in the funny pages this week will possibly make me laugh more than “That music! Is it ‘Tubthumping’ by Chumbawamba?”