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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/12/14

Hmm, good work, Sarah: you’re not going into this counterattack alone, but rather inspiring an army of minions to join you, recognizing who the enemies of your enemies are. Not only will there be strength in numbers for this specific confrontation, but the other children will now be tied to you for life by their joint participation in an act of unspeakable violence. “Hmm, not sure why I didn’t think of this myself!” their teacher thinks, before slowly backing out of the room and locking the door from the outside.

Apartment 3-G, 6/12/14

Yup, Dr. Jack is just going to hand his farm/large animal veterinary practice (?)/Tommie Thompson labor re-education program over to Carol, who is qualified … to take care of it all … somehow? This is the weirdest, vaguest, boringest, most confusing, least interesting Apartment 3-G plot in years, which I hope you all recognize as really saying something.

Mary Worth, 6/12/14

“Sure, if by ‘all together on vacation’ you mean ‘they hand me over to some lady they’ve literally known for 45 seconds while they wander off and go do whatever,’ that’s exactly what’s happening here!”

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Slylock Fox, 6/9/14

Do it, Max, Sly said to Max, silently, with his eyes. Do what you have to do. The irony was palpable: he was, after all, a fox, and there was a time when everyone knew that foxes had to be free, and the awful truth that they would chew through their own flesh and bone to escape a trap became a cliche. Slylock, who like all his anthropomorphic brethren had no memory of the Before Times, couldn’t appreciate the little joke, but presumably Count Weirdly could, presumably that was why he had set up this macabre little scene in the first place, why he had shackled Sly up in a room with a mouse-sized open window, left that saw out where Max could find it. In fact, the more you thought about it, the more obvous the many layers of irony Weirdly had baked into this sick little scenario became: the sudden Emergence of Earth’s animal life into sapience had nearly wiped out the human race, and forced poor holdouts like Weirdly into inaccessible fortresses, but Slylock now had too much cognitive power to free himself from a trap the way his kin could before, too much ability to understand the consequences of his own actions, to foresee the agony and the blood, to bring himself to do it. But he knew that if he remained in Weirdly’s captivity, worse would happen, much worse. So he had no choice but ask his best friend to do the unthinkable, to place the the sharp steel against his flesh and begin to … oh, wait, what? The eye hook is made of some different material? Haha, yeah, sure, that’d work too. That Count Weirdly, always forgetting some crucial detail! Ha!

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/9/14

The whole underlying point of this endless Rex Morgan, M.D., Sarah plot is that Sarah is a frighteningly precocious adult-child and everyone around her is in a state of mortal terror at all times. They’re so terrified, in fact, that they never actually call her on any of her shenanigans, which is why the pushback she’s suddenly getting is completely fascinating to me. Either she’s going to shatter at the first sign of direct confrontation in her life, or this young man’s going to be a smear of gore with a few bits of blond crewcut in a manner of minutes.

Spider-Man, 6/9/14

YES, Dock Ock! It’s not enough that Spidey be shown up, he must also be MERCILESSLY HUMILIATED! More taunts, I say!

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Beetle Bailey, 5/28/14

Beetle Bailey trufans know that Wednesday is Miss Buxley Wednesday, when the strip’s increasingly crudely drawn resident sexpot is guaranteed to appear for the delight and arousal of the strip’s increasingly aged core audience. Which is why I found today’s strip, in which she insults and humiliates her boss/constant sexual harasser, so intriguing. Will we go further and further in this direction?. In a year or two, will Miss Buxley Wednesday just consist of a panel with her saying “Why on earth do I come to work in a professional setting in a little black cocktail dress? Wait, are you masturbating to me right now? You all ought to be ashamed of yourselves.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/28/14

I’ve been joking for months that this Sarah plot would devolve into “Sarah is forced to go through the motions of painting performatively, like an animal at the zoo,” but … it looks like that’s really going to happen? I guess her parents were so focused on all the money she was going to make that they didn’t pay much attention to this part of the contract, ha ha! A million thumbs up to Rex Morgan for taking things to their logical conclusion, which also involves Sarah theatrically pouting. More Sarah pouting, I say! Pout, girl! Pout with all your might!