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Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/2/05

They can gussy it up with the fancy camera angles, but this supposedly tense confrontation scene would be a lot tenser if its antagonists were anyone other than these two clowns. Royal’s epic combover only thinly disguises the fact that his face is clearly modeled on Peter Lorre, which means that I can’t help but think that his voice is modeled on Peter Lorre, which means that I find everything he says hilarious. Peter Lorre could be forcing me to dig my own grave at gunpoint and I would find his voice funny. “Oh, hurry up, you! Stop laughing and keep deeging!”

Dr. Hamilton, meanwhile, apparently decided that the best thing to wear for his face-off with evil would be his grandpa-style fishin’ hat. Frankly, I’m beginning to think that Fence Post Frank is off the hook for this heinous crime: surely if some soft-handed fancy pants like Royal Gilstrap tried to retain his skull-bashing services, he’d be too busy laughing at his funny voice to seal the deal.

Earlier this week, Dr. Hamilton threatened to “destroy” Royal if the latter had anything to do with Buck’s comatose state. Hey, Professor, if you had managed to snag a few grand worth of funding for the young man, maybe he wouldn’t have to whore himself out to the artifact-trading underworld to keep himself in hoodies and stubble mascara. Just a thought.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/4/05

You people are all so clever and quick about this sort of thing that I can’t believe nobody’s mentioned this.

Buck’s real name is Charles.

Charles can be shortened to Chuck.

Who can unkempt pseudointellectual humanities students impress with their unkept pseudointellectuality more than high school girls? And what better way to avoid one’s paternal responsibilities than to sleep in the back yard of kindly local medicos, suturing up one’s own hand and muttering about lost Indian tribes?

As for the savage beating — I think Fence Post Frank is an innocent man. As if we needed any more proof, the evidence is now clear: don’t piss off Margo.

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An embarrassment of riches in today’s funny pages! I present to you five one-panel short takes.

From Luann, 4/18/05

I dare you to use the phrase “She’s a honey … but you’re sugar” in conversation with someone with whom you’re trying to ingratiate yourself romantically. I dare you.

From Apartment 3-G, 4/18/05

And by “she,” I’m pretty sure she means Margo. “Seriously, I can’t believe they let you in. What are you doing here?”

From Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/18/05

“Why weren’t you invited? Because Buck likes men, June. Real men with cleft chins and tight jeans and thick coats of forearm hair. Now you make sure that thumbsucker is out of my sight and my breakfast is ready by the time I’m back from the tent-pitching, you hear?”

From Mary Worth, 4/18/05

Be careful what you wish for: after three weeks of Mary filing patient reports, you will beg to see Anna and Brian quoting Richard Bach at one another again.

From B.C., 4/18/05

No, but seriously: what the f— oh, why do I even bother?