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Mary Worth, 6/12/22

The thing about Mary Worth, the character, as well as Mary Worth, the strip, is that they are both very moralistic in tone but their actual morality is often pretty flexible. One of the very first storylines featured on this blog involved Mary telling her friend Anna to pursue an old flame at her high school reunion, even though he was now married. Fortunately, he turned out to be recently divorced so that he and Anna could almost immediately get married themselves, but the point is that you’d think Mary’s in favor of couples staying together, but Mary might be like “Hmm … what this? A young woman who refers to Princess Leia as ‘Leia Organa’ and quotes from the one of the movies from the new trilogy that normal people stopped thinking about immediately after it ended? She seems like a fine match for Jared! All I have to do now is mention that his current girlfriend is freak-dancing with anyone who asks down at Rock It to speed this process along!”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/12/22

Well, we sure were enjoying that storyline for a bit about a guy who wanted to be a superhero, which we think of as a noble pursuit, but then it turns out he was a crazy person, which maybe shouldn’t have been a surprise given the whole “wanted to be a superhero” thing. However, in addition to thinking that you can cure crime with surgery, the Street Sweeper also bought some extremely cheap handcuffs that may have just been part of a “hot cop” costume from Party City, so I think a lot of our philosophical questions are about to get resolved, at gunpoint.

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Blondie, 6/9/22

We all talk a lot about how Dagwood wears a full-on tuxedo every day to work, which none of his coworkers do — Mr. Dithers doesn’t even wear a suit jacket! — and that this is truly bizarre behavior, would make him a social pariah, is probably the result of some kind of personality disorder or maybe he lost a bet, etc. However, one thing I feel like we’ve never discussed is that he must be unpleasantly hot, like all the time. Yet he defiantly eschews any attempts to mitigate this, even to the extent of taking off his jacket, which I assume means that he’s also just drenched in sweat, constantly, over the course of his workday. A fun thing to imagine as he’s getting yelled at for goofing off, that he must smell pretty bad too!

Gasoline Alley, 6/9/22

I haven’t been keeping you up to date on Gasoline Alley because … well, I mean, why would I. I wouldn’t enjoy typing it out any more than you would be able to muster up enthusiasm for reading it. I will merely give you the bare bones — that back at the end of March Rufus and Joel were told that the the “Hollywood folks” were looking for them, and now, two and half months later, having intended to travel to Hollywood, a neighborhood in Los Angeles, California, they have mistakenly arrived in the city of Hollywood, Florida, instead. Even this is probably more Gasoline Alley plot information that you ever wanted or needed, but it’s important to set up today’s good news, which is that Joel and Rufus appear to be dying, so we probably won’t have to deal with any more Gasoline Alley plots ever again.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/9/22

“Yes, when I received the call from the man known as ‘the Street Sweeper’ asking if I could ‘cure crime,’ I did know that he had kidnapped the deceased at gunpoint and was refusing to hand him over to the police. But am I responsible for the carnage that happened seconds after I bluntly told him I couldn’t? Not according to my lawyer.” –Rex Morgan, in what most commentators will agree was one of the most disastrous interviews given on local TV news in a decade

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Dennis the Menace, 6/8/22

Damn, Dennis is trying to talk Joey into pulling off some Munchausen syndrome by proxy … by proxy? I guess that would just be regular Munchausen syndrome. Anyway, still extremely menacing all around.

Crankshaft, 6/8/22

I’m not a religious man, but I would urge you to pray to whatever God you believe in that we all will be blessed by a Crankshaft storyline where he and all his old friends lose their money in some extremely transparent crypto scam. Can’t wait to learn what kind of terrible ape-themed malapropism Ed will make as he stares out at us with dead eyes, mentally pushing back his retirement date to sometime in the mid 2040s.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 6/8/22

“Hmm,” thinks Rex. “I’m not thrilled at the prospect of having to leave the house, but on the other hand I do have that trepanning kit I haven’t gotten much use out of lately, thanks to those meddling liberals over at the FDA.”