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Mary Worth, 1/21/22

Look, would we all be happier if Wilbur were dead? Absolutely. But, things being as they are, can we at least look forward to watching him try and repeatedly fail to climb a palm tree, with increasing desperation every time? Yes, yes we can. And remember, even if he manages to succeed, he’s just going to end up with a coconut. There is absolutely no way he will be able to open that coconut.

Crankshaft, 1/21/22

“Wow,” thought Pam. “He’s been talking about it for years but he finally did it. He finally figured out where to score weed.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/21/22

“Look, Kelly, I really don’t care about whatever frivolous artwork Rene collected. I just need you to say, clearly and for the record, that absence of evidence is the same thing is evidence of absence. You can do that, right? And you can do it under oath?”

Pluggers, 1/21/22

Oh, ha ha, just a plugger spending a dull Friday night listening to the police scanner. Say, I wonder a what code “10-45” means, let’s check on the old Google to fin–

AHHH

AHHH

OH MY GOD

IT’S ONE OF HIS FRIENDS

HIS DEAD FRIENDS

THE COPS ARE CALLING FOR BACKUP BECAUSE THIS BLOATED MAN-ANIMAL CORPSE IS SO VERY DISGUSTING THAT THEY CAN’T HANDLE IT

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/19/22

Well, it looks like Rex has only one chance to stave off total financial annihilation in the Case Of The Intellectual Property Violation That Sarah Definitely Did: get Kelly, who served as Sarah’s minder when Sarah first saw the adorable characters she later viciously stole, to lie on the stand about it. The problem: that’s a job for sassy, give-no-fucks Kelly, not dull, goody-goody narc Kelly, but part of giving no fucks means not bothering to go spend a day in a boring-ass courtroom to help anyone else. Rex needs to thread the needle to achieve the perfect balance between the Kelly’s yin and yang, but what looks like the beginning of an eye roll in panel two seems to say that she’s already slipping out of his grasp.

The Lockhorns, 1/19/22

Oh, by the way, it seems that Leroy Lockhorn has finally figured out how to escape his nagging wife: by uploading his mind to the Internet and becoming a being of pure thought. And you know what? Good for him.

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Dick Tracy, 1/14/22

When Apple rolled out the Apple Watch in 2015, probably a lot of comics nerds out there were like “Oh, a watch computer that helps you make phone calls? Just like the wrist wizards from Dick Tracy?” But there are important differences! For instance, thanks to Apple’s legendary quality standards, Apple Watches very rarely overhead and explode, and when they do, they definitely don’t instantly consume the wearer in a vortex of flame, as appears to have happened here.

In other news, if Dick Tracy is contemplating a return to its storied tradition of killing off its villains in cartoonishly horrific ways, I for one am interested, very interested! I’m also interested in hearing Dick tell the paramedics that “I told him to stand still, but he insisted on screaming and writhing around in agony, like a coward.”

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/14/22

Ha ha, yes, Sarah’s going to crack like an egg when they put her on the stand! I certainly hope that Rene manages to secure the services of his erstwhile mob family’s slick attorney, who will run rings around the Morgans’ bargain basement lawyer.

Mary Worth, 1/14/22

“A Code Oscar is what we call it when a gross, obnoxious slob falls off the boat to his death! If an uptight, prissy neat freak does it, that’s a Code Felix.”