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Mark Trail, 8/7/13

The cruelty of Nature is well documented, but the cruelty of Mark Trail, Man of Nature, retains its power to shock. Blissed-out Rusty nurses his otter and dreams of fishing, but mere days from now he will have neither otter, nor fishing, nor any last shred of hope. Mark just twists the knife, while Andy’s mind is all on dinner. Say — maybe they’ll have fish!

Beetle Bailey, 8/7/13

In the grip of his alcoholic hallucinations, General Halftrack misinterprets Lieutenant Fuzz’s invitation to Where the Wild Things Are costume sexplay. Lt. Fuzz takes it as a rebuff and retires to his quarters for another long night of Patton, tears, and self-abuse.

9 Chickweed Lane (panel), 8/7/13

OK, I take back all the terrible things I said about the Not-Ardins’ mouths yesterday.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 8/7/13

Heather’s hissy fit reminds Rex what June has in store for him when he gets home. Four months wasted figuring out Milton’s vomiting might be something he ate, and no boat or free meal in it for them anywhere? And now he’s supposed to look into the Alzheimer’s thing, too? These wealthy, entitled jerks! Why, if Milton weren’t his only patient ….

Shoe, 8/7/13

Well OK on the face of it this is one of those “reverse-engineered from the punchline” jokiform utterances we see so often in Shoe, Archie, and Herb and Jamaal. A real-life bird-woman would say, “I surprised my husband in fishnet stockings”, but where are you gonna go with that when you’re on deadline and that tee-time is coming up fast, huh?

But on a deeper level, blondie here is being really unfair — I mean, sometimes a fella just wants to feel pretty, and pantyhose is gross in August and it’s not like I didn’t double-check to see what time you were coming back. Wait — HE! He didn’t check!

— Uncle Lumpy

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Shoe, 7/29/13

So, here you go: Shoe finally takes a stab at acknowledging that its denizens are sentient bird-men and -women, with puzzling results. First of all, I can’t believe I never made the flappers-bird connection before, and am reasonably sure that there’s some elaborate sentient-bird-women-as-flappers fan drawings out there, possibly on DeviantArt, possibly in the context of an all-sentient-bird Great Gatsby graphic novel. And yet the whole potential crossover is wasted, for the most part. Instead, Loon just tells a weird story about how his aunt used her unremarkable-in-this-context power of flight to … transcend to a higher plane of existence? Like in Jonathan Livingston Seagull? Or maybe she just died of exhaustion/oxygen deprivation? Anyway, if there were ever a situation where Shoe’s patented goggle eyes of horror would be appropriate, it’s this one — “let me tell you a fun story about my aunt that ends in her disappearance and probable death” — but instead the Perfesser just stares straight ahead with dead-eyed numbness. He stopped listening to Loon hours ago. He just says “Yeah?” during conversational lulls to feign politeness.

Gil Thorp, 7/29/13

It may be no Gail Martin mystery, but this summer’s Gil Thorp storyline has been zany in a low-key way, involving an amiable, Alzheimer’s-stricken ex-pro-wrestler and his also ex-pro-wrestler son wandering the nation on the dad’s whims. Today, our senile king of the squared circle is going to teach One-Armed Steve some wrestling moves! Steve seems amused and convinced this will all be in fun, about which he may turn out to be mistaken.

Family Circus, 7/29/13

I guess the tattered state of Jeffy’s blanket is meant to indicate that it’s a well-loved security object for him, but I prefer a different interpretation: it’s decayed during his multi-decade, Rip van Winkle-style nap. No, I’m not sure why Jeffy hasn’t gotten older or why his clothes and house are still intact, even though his family long since moved away and/or died. The important thing is that Jeffy has been thrust alone into a world he no longer understands, OK? Just … just give me this.

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Gil Thorp, 7/20/13

Gil Thorp briefly (or maybe forever?) cuts away from wacky tales of senile retired pro wrestlers to bring you wacky tales of one-armed golf coaches! Steve Boone is an ex-Mudlark who lost his arm in a non-combat accident on an army base and was super depressed about it until Gil gave him an unpaid coaching job last year, which made everything better. Now he’s up for some wacky amputee jokes with the kids! Yaaaay sports!

Judge Parker, 7/20/13

Oh look, it appears that a member of the Spencer-Driver-Parker axis, who, it goes without saying, is already fabulously wealthy, just got $1,000 dropped in her lap, for doing nothing! Sarah Morgan may be already bored with having everything handed to her with no effort on her part, but this shit never gets old for anyone in Judge Parker.

Funky Winkerbean, 7/20/13

You know, I was going to complain about how Funky Winkerbean just won’t let us forget that the Dinkles are going to sex each other up, but you know what? It’s probably the happiest anyone in this strip has been for months, so I’ll let them enjoy it, at least until the shocking revelation about one of Viagra’s little-known side effects (boner cancer).

Spider-Man, 7/20/13

Oh, man, I was gonna guess “Because he’s on a plane and you have to turn your cell phone off when you’re on a plane,” but the real reason is much better, because it involves Spidey’s ineptitude.

Shoe, 7/20/13

“Ha ha no but seriously my marriage is a sham and my whole life is an awful emotional prison” [anguished bird-man sobs]