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Gil Thorp, 2/9/12

Guys, it’s all been fun and games watching the Mudlark basketball team defile their tender young flesh with heathen tattoos, but what about the lesson? It’s not a Gil Thorp plot without a lesson. Today, we learn that lesson: Unlike your dad, who couldn’t handle the fact that your mom made more money than him at her fancy bank job and ran off with the 19-year-old who works at the Arby’s out on Route 128, a tattoo will never leave you!

Shoe, 2/9/12

“That’s right! It took multiple painful experimental surgeries, but the mammalian cells have finally been successfully grafted onto my scalp and now I’m growing real hair, not just feathers like you! These few scraggly hairs mean everything to me! I’m a monstrous chimera, but I don’t care, do you hear me? I don’t care!”

Mary Worth, 2/9/12

I’m warning you right now: The temptation to just run, without comment of any kind, all the Mary Worth strips in which Nola gleefully describes her sexual depravity and Mary reels in horror is very, very strong, and I don’t know if I can resist it much longer.

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Apartment 3-G, 10/29/11

Wow, Tommie sure popped up out of nowhere in the second panel there, didn’t she? It’s like she was cowering in her room, only coming out when she realized that Margo and Lu Ann’s constant bickering had been briefly and mysteriously suspended. “Here’s to the three of us! Let’s enjoy our time together while we can! I prepared these glasses of hemlock, so this brief and uncharacteristic moment of domestic peace can be preserved … forever.”

Shoe, 10/29/11

Never have the trademark Shoe Goggle Eyes Of Horror seemed less appropriate. “Oh my God, my pick-up line worked! I had anticipated that attempting to woo this woman would fail as always and lead me back to my comfortable place of self-loathing! Now I might have to attempt to engage in an actual intimate relationship with another bird-person! GROSS.”

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Shoe, 10/18/11

“And considering that I am, as near as anyone can tell, some sort of chicken, I was afraid that it would malfunction and fry me. What sort of monster are you, selling something that could cause serious burns? What? No, I’m not going to tell you why I bought it in the first place. I’m certainly not interested in killing, dismembering, and frying my fellow chicken-men and then feasting on their succulent thighs. Why did you even bring that up? What? No, I’m not the one who brought it up. I have to go now.”

Herb and Jamaal, 10/18/11

Herb and Jamaal are frequently a bit confused as to the slang the kids use today, so it maybe shouldn’t come as a big shock that they’ve manage to completely misunderstand the phrase “sexual chocolate.”