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Shoe, 9/24/15

“Ha, it’s ironic because I was humiliated in front of my young ward when I tried to buy him something he wanted only to have my tenuous financial situation revealed to him in a very public way! Anyway, I know it’s only 10 a.m., but what’s the cheapest booze you got behind that counter?”

Apartment 3-G, 9/24/15

I’m about as atheist as they get, but even I wouldn’t respond to someone offering to pray for a mutual friend with a sarcastic quip and an extremely wary look, like Tommie does in panel two. “Why not, Lu Ann. It can’t hurt. Unless … you’re not planning on praying to the wrong god, are you? Then it could hurt a lot.”

Funky Winkerbean, 9/24/15

“It was mostly about sex stuff that dad likes. Anyway, have a look, I’m gonna check out WebMD to figure out exactly where on your head you should hit yourself with a hammer to induce short-term amnesia.”

Gil Thorp, 9/24/15

Gil has been extremely crabby about Holly’s Milford High reality show, demanded that he appear on-screen as little as possible, and now we know why: he doesn’t want the inevitable moment in the season when someone else starts doing his coaching for him broadcast nationwide.

Judge Parker, 9/24/15

Wait, Rocky’s back already? The strip where we found he left was only published five weeks ago! In terms of the internal Judge Parker chronology, that’s the equivalent of, what, thirty seconds? Maybe forty-five?

Rex Morgan, M.D., 9/24/15

“Hey, wait, with all that money I could just come up here with more interesting people than you! Turns out your work schedule is irrelevant to me now, dad.”

Dennis the Menace, 9/24/15

“‘Cause I do! I bite whoever I want, whenever I want. I’m Dennis the motherfucking Menace, lady!”

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Beetle Bailey, 9/22/15

I am very interested in how exactly the process in the Walker-Browne Amalgamated Humor Industries LLC writers room came together to generate this alleged humor product. “So, we’re agreed that the punchline to Tuesday’s strip should be that Otto, a dog who wears clothes and walks upright and thinks in complete sentences, will be peeing on Lt. Fuzz’s garden. Any pitches on how we punch that up a bit?” “How about if he gets a really mean face when he thinks about urinating on the flowers. Like it’s a threat.” “I like it, I like it. Do we want to make it seem just a little sexual? The pee-threat?” “Yes. Yes. Now we’re talking.”

Mary Worth, 9/22/15

I know we have a few months left, but I’m calling it now: Mary saying “Toby has many friends” with a facial expression that clearly indicates that she knows that Toby has no friends, even Mary is more than an acquaintance, really, just someone she talks to because of physical proximity, so why don’t we cut to the chase, why don’t we end this charade, human connection is impossible on this side of the veil, is definitely the panel of the year.

Shoe, 9/22/15

English is of course the international language of business and diplomacy, the equivalent of French or Latin in their heyday, so we can’t fault marginal cultures like the bird-people of Treetops for adopting it and the advantages that come with it. But still, it’s sad that, in only a few generations, they’ve completely abandoned the ancient language of birds. Do they ever look at the dusty old books of Bird-Speech, the impenetrable symbols taunting them with the reminder of their ancient cultural heritage, now lost forever?

Mark Trail, 9/22/15

Oh hey over in Mark Trail Mark is about to tangle with some bad guys in that radioactive wreck! In the close confines of that boat it’d be dangerous to actually fire his spear gun, so I guess he’s just going to stab them in the gut, one by one.

Wizard of Id, 9/22/15

Oh, did summer go by too fast for your tastes? I guess you don’t really know how to do summer! I guess you should be more like this smug cartoon wizard here!

Pluggers, 9/22/15

It takes highly advanced and extremely expensive science just to keep pluggers alive.

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Judge Parker, 9/4/15

Marie, the Spencer-Drivers’ sassy maid, is quickly becoming my favorite character in this strip, what with her apparent love of telling the main characters exactly why their ludicrous schemes will fail, and her swoopy eyebrows giving her the exactly correct expression of anger-driven glee. Neddy looks mildly concerned over the chaos she’s going to accidentally unleash on her still-under-constructions offices next week, though probably she’s mostly thinking about how the angry proles will turn on each other, literally beating each other to death in a competition for some of the last manufacturing jobs in the area, and then she’ll have to figure out how to get poor person blood out of all the fabric she’s hopefully remembered to buy.

Six Chix, 9/4/15

There’s a lot to unpack in this insane cartoon. Like, I had to actually Google “are giraffe spots unique” to figure out the joke. Then there’s the fact that the psychologist (?) is a giraffe but also labelled “VET”, as if sapient giraffes would use the term for their own indigenous medical practitioners. Mostly, though, I just want to point out that our de-spotted giraffe patient has limbs that all look way too much like dicks for my comfort.

Shoe, 9/4/15

I love that the usual patented Shoe Goggle Eyes of Horror have been replaced here with Goggle Eyes of Transcendent Rage. “Wait, what? You’re mocking your sacred duty under democracy to understand the platforms of candidates for public office? In my restaurant? Oh, hell no.”

Spider-Man, 9/4/15

Man, Peter Parker really cares about admiralty law and maritime sovereignty. “BOO! GET BACK TO US WHEN ATLANTIS RATIFIES THE UNITED NATIONS CONVENTION ON THE LAW OF THE SEA!”