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Apartment 3-G, 8/15/15

Wow, after weeks and weeks of virtually no forward movement or anything of interest in Apartment 3-G, we have something that … might be interesting? Lately, Margo’s taken to wandering around Manhattan in a fog of confusion, occasionally hassled by people on the street who claim to know her but whom she keeps pushing away. But now we learn that her mysterious stalkers are named … Tim and Eric? If these names ring a bell, it’s because Eric Mills was Margo’s grill-loving almost-fiance who died in an avalanche (supposedly) smuggling his brother Tim and the Pachen Lama out of Tibet. But maybe Eric survived, or, weirder, maybe he died but has been reincarnated/called forth out of the spirit world by powerful Himalayan magic, to join forces with his brother to … irritate Margo, for some reason? The other possibility is that this whole thing is some sort of prank perpetrated by discomfort-causing alt comedians Tim and Eric, which honestly seems equally likely.

Shoe, 8/15/15

Whoa there, Shoe: priests don’t turn water into wine or vice versa. A priest could help facilitate a little transubstantiation, but unfortunately the accidents of the wine are not transformed in that process, and thus it will still taste terrible.

Pluggers, 8/15/15

Pluggers don’t use CREDIT CARDS issued by BANKS controlled by the ILLUMINATI CABAL who want to DESTROY AMERICA and establish a NEW WORLD ORDER so YES they WILL be paying with LIBERTY SCRIP backed by the INTRINSIC VALUE OF THE MINERAL RIGHTS INHERENT TO THEIR ALLODIAL PROPERTY on which they DON’T PAY TAXES because they’re SOVEREIGN CITIZENS and if you won’t take that but you will take BIG GOVERNMENT’S FIAT MONEY then you my friend are very much PART OF THE PROBLEM and I’ll be posting about this on FACEBOOK, believe you me

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Hi and Lois, 8/7/15

Vaguely Punk Rock Drummer’s concerns about his coolness factor maybe should be focused closer to home, considering his bandmates are a guy in sailor cap and law school t-shirt and a guy wearing a cowboy outfit and sunglasses indoors.

Momma, 8/7/15

This bank manager is sweating for very good reason, as he has a completely fruitless afternoon of trying to explain how mortgages work ahead of him.

Shoe, 8/7/15

“Ha ha, here’s a hilarious dad joke I just thought up!” –a supposedly magical wizard who you hoped could solve the huge, catastrophic problem that looms over our society, but nobody can solve that problem, nobody but us, and we certainly aren’t going to do it

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Judge Parker, 6/27/15

Yesterday, Neddy showed King Speedy incontrovertible proof that his asking price for cargo containers was too high: she found a website where she could buy them for cheaper, and waved her phone at him meaningfully. (Or maybe it was an app? “It’s like Grindr, but for shipping containers!” says the startup founder at the VC pitch meeting, right before $100 bills start raining down from the ceiling.) Anyhoo, King Speedy could’ve just said “Well, I guess you should buy your containers from that app, then,” but instead he’s made the extremely poor choice to keep dickering, with the upshot that he’s now being literally accused of hating the American worker because he refuses to sell shipping containers at a loss. Neddy loves the American worker, loves the American worker so much that she’s going to keep the American worker working well into the American worker’s dotage, taking advantage of the Social Security and Medicare programs so that she doesn’t have to provide benefits. You think you’re a patriot, Speed King? You’re an actual traitor who uses our flag for toilet paper compared to Neddy, whose elder-exploitation plans are making our Founding Fathers weep tears of joy in the American part of heaven.

Shoe, 6/27/15

birds don’t have teeth, y’all

they

don’t

have

TEETH