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Hi and Lois, 8/7/15

Vaguely Punk Rock Drummer’s concerns about his coolness factor maybe should be focused closer to home, considering his bandmates are a guy in sailor cap and law school t-shirt and a guy wearing a cowboy outfit and sunglasses indoors.

Momma, 8/7/15

This bank manager is sweating for very good reason, as he has a completely fruitless afternoon of trying to explain how mortgages work ahead of him.

Shoe, 8/7/15

“Ha ha, here’s a hilarious dad joke I just thought up!” –a supposedly magical wizard who you hoped could solve the huge, catastrophic problem that looms over our society, but nobody can solve that problem, nobody but us, and we certainly aren’t going to do it

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Judge Parker, 6/27/15

Yesterday, Neddy showed King Speedy incontrovertible proof that his asking price for cargo containers was too high: she found a website where she could buy them for cheaper, and waved her phone at him meaningfully. (Or maybe it was an app? “It’s like Grindr, but for shipping containers!” says the startup founder at the VC pitch meeting, right before $100 bills start raining down from the ceiling.) Anyhoo, King Speedy could’ve just said “Well, I guess you should buy your containers from that app, then,” but instead he’s made the extremely poor choice to keep dickering, with the upshot that he’s now being literally accused of hating the American worker because he refuses to sell shipping containers at a loss. Neddy loves the American worker, loves the American worker so much that she’s going to keep the American worker working well into the American worker’s dotage, taking advantage of the Social Security and Medicare programs so that she doesn’t have to provide benefits. You think you’re a patriot, Speed King? You’re an actual traitor who uses our flag for toilet paper compared to Neddy, whose elder-exploitation plans are making our Founding Fathers weep tears of joy in the American part of heaven.

Shoe, 6/27/15

birds don’t have teeth, y’all

they

don’t

have

TEETH

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/6/15

In a touching gesture, one of Les’s fellow reunion organizers took from him the burden of putting together the “Gone But Not Forgotten” display. Because if there’s one thing Les doesn’t like to do, it’s dwell on the memory of his dead wife! Oh, hey, why don’t we add the book Les wrote about his dead wife’s death to the display. Say, do you suppose anyone wrote a book about the death of poor dead Livinia Jessup? No? Oh well, guess she probably didn’t die as movingly! I mean, do we really even need her picture there at all?

Dennis the Menace, 6/6/15

Significantly more menacing things Dennis could’ve said:

• “You’re a grown man with a wife and a long, productive career behind you, and the possession you prize above all others is a poster that you clearly bought at a store somewhere and that has no actual historical connection to Daniel Boone?”
• “If this is your most prized possession, why do you have to keep it up here in the attic?”

Shoe, 6/6/15

“This body is a repulsive husk, a meat-prison that I dream every day of escaping. KILL ME AND SET ME FREE, I BEG OF YOU”