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Funky Winkerbean, 7/2/14

Oh, man, check out how terrified Les looks by the idea that even in the fictional world being weaved by Cable Movie Entertainment, Lisa might live! It’s almost as if her death was the foundation on which he built his entire artistic career and sense of self. It’s almost as if he has to kill her again every day in his mind in order to stay Les. It’s almost as if the thought of Lisa alive, standing before him, and seeing what he’s done with his life for the past decade fills him with a the darkest sort of dread.

Take comfort in our evil screenwriter’s cynicism, Les! He’s declared this ending a “happy moment of some kind of swear word (bullshit maybe? let’s say bullshit)” because he knows just as well as you that nobody lives, nobody ever lives, everybody dies.

Shoe, 7/2/14

Ha ha it’s funny because if this show were still on the air its writer-protagonist might use a contemporary publishing platform, can you even imagine how bizarre that would be

Pluggers, 7/2/14

Ha ha it’s funny because older people prefer the pop music of their own youth to contemporary pop music they are so unique and different it is extremely note- and praiseworthy

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Mark Trail, 6/30/14

Whoops, looks like I misinterpreted the relationship between Lori and Chris earlier — they aren’t a mismatched good gal/bad guy couple, but rather a good gal/bad guy safari buddy pair, in which the bad guy wants more, probably because he’s bad. Tonight Lori is letting Chris down extremely not-easy: she’d be perfectly willing to look past his ruined finances and his life-destroying gambling problem if only she felt even the slightest bit of romantic attraction for him, which, she can’t emphasize enough, she does not. Ha ha, Chris, feel free to think that Lori has “fallen” for asexual weirdo Mark Trail over the past six hours that she’s known him and that’s why she doesn’t want to be your girlfriend! But that’s not it at all. It’s you! It’s just that you’re terrible and nobody could possibly love you!

Shoe, 6/30/14

While traditionally birds and reptiles have been seen as different classes within the animal kingdom, over the past few decades biologists have redefined their taxonomies based on evolutionary descent rather than physical characteristics. Since birds are descended from dinosaurs, the distinction between birds and reptiles is thus false. Crocodiles and alligators, for instance, are more closely related to birds than they are to lizards or turtles. What I’m trying to say here, lady, is that you’re a bird and your feet are scaly and clawed and maybe you shouldn’t be so self-loathing about it.

B.C., 6/30/14

He’d never been fishing before, so he didn’t really know what to expect. Certainly he wasn’t anticipating that he’d get to sweet-talk and then make love to a fish. Not that he was complaining, mind you.

Heathcliff, 6/30/14

The cat wig business is great ha ha ha I have literally no idea what’s happening here or what it could possibly mean

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Shoe, 6/19/14

Someday in the far future, when the only relic of 21st century human culture is a multi-volume hardcopy of TV Tropes, laboriously hand-copied and bound in a post-apocalyptic monastery, I will be chiefly remembered for coining the word nephewism to describe a scenario where fictional characters live with their aunts and/or uncles for never-quite-explained reasons. The relationship between Skyler and his Uncle Cosmo seems like a particularly grim version of this. Cosmo grudgingly supplies Skyler with a roof under which to sleep, thanks to blood ties and a ghostly memory of affection for a presumably deceased sibling, but that seems to be about it. Certainly we never see the two of them eating anything resembling a family meal; usually the Perfesser sits too close to the TV eating off his tray and and Skyler is left to fend for himself. There isn’t even another chair in the living room for the kid to sit on. I guess he’ll be eating his TV dinner in his bedroom, assuming he has microwave privileges.

Mary Worth, 6/19/14

There have been some hints so far in this storyline that Olive’s parents have been less than thrilled with her wild imagination, presumably to set them up as the villains, so you’d think that they’d be rather horrified by this pronouncement, and yet they seem to be giving each other pleased knowing glances in panel two. A possible clue: note the WOW CHIPS in the background of the first panel. WOW was a brand used by Frito-Lay in the mid ’90s to identify products that contained Olestra; Olestra, if you’re too young to remember, was an artificial fat substitue that had some less than pleasant effects on the human digestion system, leading to a tortuous negotiation between the food industry and the FDA over a vaguely commercially viable synonym for “anal leakage” that could be used in an on-package warning label (the compromise arrived at was “loose stools”). Anyway, Olestra never really took off, for obvious reasons, so I’m guessing the WOW brand is now being used for chips with similarly dodgy ingredients — mild hallucinogens, say — and so Olive’s parents are glad they’ve finally fed her enough of the stuff to get some marketable visions out of her.

Gil Thorp, 6/19/14

The past six weeks of Gil Thorp have focused relentlessly, and crushingly boringly, on the love affair between Amy and Lucky, and both kids’ inchoate ideas about good and bad luck and how they’re stealing it from each other, and it’s been so super boring that I barely made it through that sentence. Anyway, I just want to point that Gil somehow getting his players SUPER REVVED UP about clawing their way into a tie for second in the conference neatly summarizes the Mudlarks’ usual sports competence.