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Dennis the Menace, 12/6/11

Dennis is bad at eating, inevitably ending up covered with half-masticated food, misaimed condiments, and slobber.

Mary Worth, 12/6/11

Mary has now completely forgotten about the missing Emily Smith, and has ironically become fixated on the idea that she might be losing her memory instead.

Six Chix, 12/6/11

Due to her family’s poverty, this little girl isn’t going to college, and indeed will probably die of malnutrition long before she has a chance to graduate from high school.

Pluggers, 12/6/11

Pluggers like to swing with other couples from their church.

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Six Chix, 12/4/11

I feel that our current long economic slump has yet to meet its potential for packaging economic desperation as sport. Sure, we’ve seen the occasional hobo party, but what about the dance marathons of old, where people boogied to exhaustion for cash prizes? That’s why I’m pleased to see how much our job fair attendees are really getting into this game of musical chairs. They’re not just walking sullenly in a circle waiting for the music to stop; they’re shaking their money makers, in the hopes that they might someday soon be given a chance to make money, via gainful employment. Dance, proles! Dance for your jobs, and for the amusement of your betters!

Hagar the Horrible, 12/4/11

Just to review, Hagar makes his living by leading bands of bloodthirsty warriors from Scandinavia down to Western Europe, stealing whatever movable goods he can find, murdering all who resist, and raping and enslaving the rest. Probably the nice people of France stopped being trusting and started being suspicious and fearful right around the time the first Viking horde came up the river and burned their villages to the ground! But it’s true, Hagar, you don’t have to lock your door, because you’ve bought the loyalty of a group of retainers, with plunder, so they’ll fight off your enemies for you. Unless your raids have been less than successful lately, in which case one of the more ambitious young men among them will probably kill you and take control of your warrior band!

Judge Parker, 12/4/11

Earlier this week Sam and Randy made a date to go to the firing range, where Sam’s going to give Randy some tips! But obviously Randy doesn’t need advice on how to turn down repeated offers of sex from beautiful women, as he’s already a master at that.

Spider-Man, 12/4/11

Last month my wife got a promotion, and now she makes more than me! I responded by mumbling something insincere and then stalking off to sulk. (Ha ha, just kidding, I congratulated her effusively and then we went and had a nice dinner, because I’m not a complete jackass.)

Panels from Mary Worth, 12/4/11

“I enjoy my cooking and thought that your opinion of it might be as high as mine! People who don’t like the things I like are trash and I don’t associate with them.”

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Crankshaft, 11/30/11

Once upon a time, the Funkyverse strips were actually whimsical and funny and not at all depressing, and you can find evidence of this embedded in some of the strips’ running gags, which now seem deeply horrible wrenched out of their original context. Remember how teenage hall monitor Les used to guard his station with a machine gun? In the old days that was just cheery absurdism, but now it would probably set up a story about a Columbine-style massacre — or, no, that’s too flashy, it’d probably actually be about how the gun went off accidentally and hit an innocent student-athlete in the leg, ending the Scapegoats’ chance for a championship and the poor kid’s promising career, leading to a downward spiral into alcoholism, suicide, etc.

Anyhoo, Crankshaft constantly destroying mailboxes out of some combination of incompetence and spite and Lena’s inedible and possibly poisonous brownies both had a similar sort of innocence about them back in the day, but in the modern Funkyverse we get to see the emotional devastation that they cause. Ha ha, that man is legitimately furious because Crankshaft ran over his mailbox, and neither Crankshaft nor the bureaucrats who employ him care, which just makes him madder! The best part of today’s strip is the expressions of genuine horror on the ’Shaft’s fellow drivers’ faces, as if somehow they’re only now realizing what a colossal dick he is.

Funky Winkerbean, 11/30/11

Speaking of the Funkyverse, today’s second panel could pretty much be its mission statement.

Six Chix, 11/30/11

It probably says something about me that this is a cartoon featuring the evil queen from Snow White talking about freezing her eggs and the thing that most baffles me about it is the setting. Is she on a date? Isn’t this talk a little heavy for a date? Or has she replaced her magic mirror with a nebbishy personal assistant, and this is the two of them unwinding after work?

Spider-Man, 11/30/11

“Yes! I finally got a staff job in the lucrative, growing print media business! And all I had to do was give my tyrannical boss a picture of my superhero identity consorting with a known criminal! I’m a genius!”

Archie, 11/30/11

Archie’s I Love The ’90s week continues! Today’s flashback memory: Remember when they started giving talk shows to ethnic people?