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Six Chix, 6/18/16

This is, I suppose, a joke about “tree-hugging,” but I can’t get past the idea that this lady replied to a guy on a dating app who didn’t put up a picture. I mean, like, she did, right? Because he’s a tree, and she seems surprised by this? “Who did you expect,” asked the sunglasses-wearing tree with no arms, “George Clooney? Just because I put a picture of George Clooney on my profile? Boy, are you naive. By the way, I don’t have any arms, and the fact that you’ve put a glass of booze in front of me that I’m unable to pick up is very offensive.”

Judge Parker, 6/18/16

Oh, whoops, looks like Neddy and Hank weren’t up all night screwing after all! Nope, they were just waiting outside the local 7-11 for the print version of the newspaper to be delivered. Do they … not know that newspapers are on the Internet now? Sam and Abbey are correct to look extremely concerned.

Funky Winkerbean, 6/18/16

You spend most of a lifetime feeling angry, abandoned, and alone, only to conclude, after encountering some brief kindness in your declining years, that maybe this existence of ours isn’t an unmitigated pit of despair: the closest Funky Winkerbean will ever get to a happy ending.

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Hi and Lois, 6/17/16

Comics where the punchline relies on visual information absent in the first panel are a venerable tradition! They must be awful confusing for the poor souls who have to set up the jokes though, like this hapless teen talking to Chip here. “Wait, have we … been in this yard the whole time? Why did I think he was a lifeguard at a pool? Who am I? Will I ever appear again? Or will I fade back into the nothingness from which I came?”

Six Chix, 6/17/16

I simultaneously think this cartoon is terrible and also love it immensely. I have lots of questions about the world-building here — like, are the toilets in the men’s room full of liquor specifically for the benefit of dog patrons? Or did the dog come here because of their liquor-toilet gimmick? Does the dog belongs to one of those women? Or do they just know his name because he’s a regular at this weird, empty bar? But I think the best part is that the dog is walking on two legs. Two legs! Is this because he’s drunk, and walking upright is something drunk dogs do? Or is it because only bipedal dogs are advanced enough to go to bars and get drunk, even though they have to drink out of the toilet while they’re there? It’s a delight, I tell you, a damn awful delight.

Pluggers, 6/17/16

Check out the sly smile on the plugger-lawyer. “I’m gettin’ paid $150 an hour for this shit! Can you believe it?”

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Pluggers, 6/7/16

Here’s a fact that I never get tired of: NCIS, a show whose pitch can be summarized as “what if there were crime … in the navy”, is one of the most popular shows in the country, averaging 20.5 million weekly viewers this past season. That puts it just barely behind Big Bang Theory in total viewership; its two spinoffs are both in the top 20. Yet literally nobody in the TV criticism world cares about it! Think of all the rhapsodic analysis of Mad Men we had to endure over the years. Mad Men had 2.6 million viewers a week in its highest-rated season. If an NCIS episode got ratings four times higher than that, think of all the people who would be fired, immediately!

Anyway, these numbers reveal that NCIS doesn’t actually do that well in the coveted 18-49-year-old demographic, which means that, as today’s panel confirms, its audience probably consists of mostly pluggers. Today’s Pluggers actually successfully surprised me with its punchline, but I still like the one I thought up before I read the real one: “Watching NCIS is plugger foreplay.” It would explain a lot!

Crankshaft, 6/7/16

Time jump shenanigans continue! Look: it’s pre-jump Les Moore, hawking his book about the murdered John Darling, who was the father of his (future, at this point) stepdaughter-in-law! We know, from having secret future post-time-jump knowledge, that this book was a complete flop, which may explain why he’s doing a book signing at a used book store a lady started in her attic, probably without the proper permits.

The Phantom, 6/7/16

Oh, man, I forgot to properly highlight the fact that Judge Parker artist Mike Manley has now taken over The Phantom! He’s showing his adaptability here: the Judge Parker gig has given him a chance to demonstrate that he can draw wealthy, beautiful, chesty women, but The Phantom is and always will be all about the beefcake.

Judge Parker, 6/7/16

Speaking of Judge Parker, it’s good to see the strip fully committing to its shtick of incredibly wealthy people sitting around their palatial compound complaining about how difficult it is to be judged for their incredible wealth.

Six Chix, 6/7/16

GUYS YOU BROUGHT YOUR FRIEND TO A RESTAURANT WHERE CHICKENS ARE KILLED AND EATEN, I DON’T THINK SHE’S THE ONE WHO MADE THE MISTAKE HERE