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Dick Tracy, 1/21/18

Dick Tracy is one of the lucky few sci-fi-ish franchises that have run so long that they’ve seen real life overtake their signature gee-whiz future tech. Just as Star Trek’s 1960s-era communicators look ludicrously bulky compared to the actual communication devices of the year 2018, Dick Tracy’s signature wrist wizards are basically everyday technology in the ’10s. Whatever advantages they have in sleekness (presumably they don’t need to sync to a cell phone) or style (is that an analog clock taking up a good quarter of its UI?), they lose a million points for subtlety, especially if, for instance, they’re being used by an police officer working deep undercover within the criminal apparatus. It looks like T-Bolt (actual name “Lee Ebony,” and I’ll leave it up to you as to which is more cringeworthy) should’ve just used a burner phone from 7-11 like a normal person.

Gasoline Alley, 1/21/18

Hey, uh, do the first two panels in the second row imply what I think they’re implying? Gasoline Alley HQ is going to find itself on the receiving end of a Blue Lives Matter protest in short order if so.

Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/21/18

Oh, snap, sexists, I bet you failed to figure out this mystery because you forgot that girls can be gamers too! This is like that “the surgeon was his mother” riddle, but updated for our current era (our current era, it goes without saying, is extremely stupid).

Spider-Man, 1/21/18

Finally, after months of build-up, it’s time for the super-powered battle between Spider-Man and the Lizard that we’ve been waiting for! [one panel later] Ah, well, uh, let’s see if the Hulk can handle this.

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Panel from Slylock Fox, 1/14/18

The solution to this mystery is painfully obvious (the bat is upside down, you see!) so I’m going to pose a more complex question. Can we truly hold just one of our soccer-playing quartet, who for some reason have put on numbered uniforms for a two-on-two game, responsible for the broken window? After all, they collectively decided to play in dangerous proximity to Chez Beaver. Aren’t they similarly collectively responsible for the damage? This bat is quite the little narc, sowing discord where there should be solidarity and allowing three of these creatures to convince themselves that they’re not on the hook for what in truth they all did.

Curtis, 1/14/18

What sells this strip are the six panels setting up Greg’s quiet ecstacy at having some time to relax on the couch, making Curtis’s loud “rap” music all the harsher violation. I particularly enjoy the second panel in the top row, in which we see that Greg’s relationship with his sofa borders on the erotic.

Spider-Man, 1/14/18

Oh, say, remember how Dr. Connors had the same rare blood type as Bruce Banner, and so Bruce gave him a blood transfusion? Well, it seems they took too much blood from Bruce, and now he needs a blood transfusion! I’m not sure why, if Bruce has the same blood type as Doctor Connor and Spider-Man is able to donate blood to Bruce, he couldn’t have just skipped the middle man and donated directly to Doctor Connor, but that’s neither here nor there. The important thing to know is that the last time someone drew Spider-Man’s blood, a series of comical events led to him briefly assuming the identity of “Gown Man,” a superhero who climbed around on window ledges wearing an extremely short hospital gown, which had predictable results results in terms of everyone on the street below seeing Spider-Man’s junk. Can’t wait to see where this medical plotline’s going!

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Spider-Man, 1/8/18

Huh, so, when they set up that Doctors Banner and Connors have the same incredibly rare blood type, I assumed the meant, like … a super-powered sci-fi blood type? One conducive to turning people into green monsters? Not, you know, AB negative, a normal human characteristic which is rare in that it’s the least common of all the possible blood types, but even at about 0.6% of the population, that’s still thousands and thousands of people in Dade County alone! So I’m not sure it’s really a “we need a specific donor right away from whom we can siphon delicious blood” scenario, but thank goodness Bruce will soon be there, having already removed his shirt to make finding a vein that much quicker and easier.

Slylock Fox, 1/8/18

Speaking of South Florida, I love that Max is planning on attending a beach wedding by throwing a jacket on over his usual total absence of a shirt. I think Slylock’s giving him bad advice, though. He needs to bring both jackets — black for a sophisticated look at the beach, and then change to white for those hot Miami nights on the dance floor.

Funky Winkerbean, 1/8/18

Somehow Funky ended last week’s AA meeting diatribe by concluding that the world was so messed up that it went way past the point where he should start drinking again, so I guess that’s … a cheerful ending? Anyway, now we’ve moved on to another classic topic of Funkyverse japery, Bull Bushka’s encroaching TBI-caused dementia. You know what they say! Old ballers never die … their minds just fade away, leaving them a wizened husk of their former self. In a way, it’s like a living death. Then they do die, eventually, but by then it’s a blessing. THAT’S THE PUNCHLINE TO TODAY’S STRIP EVERYBODY