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Dick Tracy, 2/15/16

Oh hey Dick Tracy is celebrating the U.S. re-establishing diplomatic relations with Cuba by having Dick travel to Cuba, to fight crime, with a Cuban detective and also a Russian! Anyway, today they’re all suddenly talking to Enormous Cuban Wolverine-Esque guy with little explanation, who has “Dirty Action Terminate Land For” written on his chest, which is definitely a thing that makes sense. Jokes on you, “DJ,” the U.S. has extradition treaties with both Panama and Bermuda.

Slylock Fox, 2/15/16

The animals may think they’re building a new, better world without us, but they’re fooling themselves. They’re pale shadows of us. Why else do they wear our clothes, live in our cities, mimic our forms of justice? The real losers (other than the billions of human beings who were mauled to death in the opening hours of the animapocalypse) were the ones living out in the wilderness. The foxes, the mice, the cats and dogs — they had spent time living in the cities, and when they Awoke, they were on familiar ground. They probably started driving the first day. But the giraffes and the other animals out away from humanity — they could talk now, and form abstract thoughts, but that doesn’t mean they understood the new world they were expected to participate in. Look at poor Jerry. He’s not even wearing clothes. They’ve just thrown a sheet over him. He doesn’t know he’s supposed to be ashamed.

Mark Trail, 2/15/16

Mark, you’ve been trapped in this cave for maybe 30 seconds and it’s way too soon to start touting the merits of “land shrimp.” You are far too eager about all this. “Hey guys, do you know that bat guano is nature’s chocolate? And let me tell you about ‘long pig!'”

Six Chix, 2/15/16

OH GOD THEY’RE MELTING THEMSELVES

THEIR LOWER JAWS ARE MELTING RIGHT AWAY AS THEY SCREAM ENDLESSLY

WHY DO THEY KEEP DRINKING

CAN’T THEY SEE THE MUTILATED CORPSES

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Mary Worth, 2/9/16

“Well, the surface of the ice represents our ability to move quickly or slowly, according to our needs and our abilities. The boundaries of the rink represent the restrictions placed on our behavior imposed by society or the nature of the universe, restrictions we need to respect and learn to live with. And the razor-sharp ice skates that swish and slice so quickly, that carry us to and fro with ease but can also, in the briefest of seconds, slice us open and end our lives in a terrifying moment of screaming and blood, so much blood — well, they represent the danger that is omnipresent, the danger that makes life so precious. Join me, Olive! Join me in this world of lightning-fast skating and sudden, violent death!”

Slylock Fox, 2/9/16

In panel one, this nice lady is going to use the scissors to cut this poor man’s shirt so that this vicious dog will finally let go of him. In panel, she’s going to use them to stab him to death.

Hagar the Horrible, 2/9/16

Ha ha, it’s funny because they’re about to be horribly killed and Eddie’s real broken up about it!

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Archie, 2/4/16

Usually Archie and Mr. Lodge are in engaged in a constant struggle for dominance, with the plutocrat heaping withering contempt on the hapless teen at all times while Archie gamely attempts to maintain a relationship with his daughter and keep his head down. Today is an extremely rare instance of Mr. Lodge actually attempting to empathize with Archie, which he does by … attempting to commiserate about his daughters flaws! Ha ha, women, am I right? Always shopping, especially if you have unlimited cash at your disposal and live in a vast mansion! Oh, mercy.

Slylock Fox, 2/4/16

In the first panel, the man is frowning because he’s finally realized that his cat hoarding is a symptom of his terrible obsessive-compulsive disorder, and he desperately needs help in order to put his life back on track and get those pets into homes where they can be well cared for. In the second panel, the man looks shocked because the cat is starting to pee on his head.