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Mary Worth, 2/8/18

Mary Worth is, of course, the most emotionally self-actualized character in the comic strip that bears her name. How could it be any other way? All of that is on full display on today’s strip. Mary neither seeks nor fears fame. She’s ready for the attention that her muffins’ greatness might draw to her; but, on the other hand, she knows that the vulgar mob is fickle, and if they turn away from her, it’s their fault, not hers, and definitely not the muffins’. She remains open to and sanguine about all possibilities, with an equanimity that Marcus Aurelius and the Stoic philosophers of old would admire.

Spider-Man, 2/8/18

WAIT WAIT WHY DIDN’T IT WORK … THE FIRST TIME???? Is spider-sense one of those things you have to train, like the way Siri learns to understand your voice better over time? “Huh, he’s about to get whacked by a giant lizard tail. Is that good or bad? Not sure, let’s wait and see! [later] OK, definitely bad, we won’t let that happen again, ha ha!”

Crankshaft, 2/8/18

Oh, whoops, Crankshaft isn’t faking his drug-seeking behavior at all: he’s hoarding pain pills to sell at big markup to his creaky-kneed friends. Are you ready for Breaking Bad, except with more terrible wordplay?

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Mary Worth, 2/2/18

I suppose “Saul Lewman” is here because Mary Worth doesn’t want to run afoul of the notoriously litigious Newman’s Own foundation, but think about the implications here: Mary and Toby live in a universe where Paul Newman was never born, and where his counterpart had the somewhat more recognizably Jewish name “Saul Lewman,” but still became a famous leading man. Does that mean that Mary lives in a world that was, in the mid 20th century, less anti-Semitic? Did the Holocaust never happen in the Maryverse???? This is a can of worms that can’t be unopened!

Spider-Man, 2/2/18

Having never really read Spider-Man comics books as a kid, and having refused to see the James Garfield Amazing Spider-Man movies because of the absence of J. Jonah Jameson, I’m not really familiar with The Lizard, a super-villain who hasn’t made much of a pop-culture impact. Is his deal that he’s a real asshole who’s mean to everyone? That’s what I’m getting from his appearance here. Not that I’m complaining, mind you!

Dennis the Menace, 2/2/18

Mrs. Wilson covers her mouth in astonishment, as she suddenly makes the connection between George’s odd sleeping hours and the reports of a portly and stealthy masked vigilante who has been rumored to fight crime on the city streets in the wee hours of the morning.

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Spider-Man, 1/30/18

A lot of the “dramatic” “tension” in this strip arises when MJ or Peter almost accidentally blurt something out that would reveal Peter’s secret identity, and then furiously thought-balloon to themselves that it’s crucial that they not reveal Peter’s secret identity, only to do it again a few days later. Thus I find it pretty hilarious that Bruce’s straight-up slam on Spidey’s Lizard-fighting prowess didn’t prompt a defensive reaction or other giveaway from MJ. “Hey lady, you husband sucks!” [in MJ’s subconscious] Yeah, that checks out, no need to follow up on it or anything.

Also, do you remember Bruce Banner’s beloved catchphrase, “That’s my secret, all the Avengers as a group: I’m always angry!” Well, Newspapaer Spider-Man is here to remind you about it! For more quips like this, check out [consults Wikipedia] Avengers: Infinity War, coming to theaters in … May, probably? Ugh, I’m so tired, guys.

Beetle Bailey, 1/30/18

I’ve come around on this point from where I was a year ago: I now think it’s cool and good that the people behind Beetle Bailey have literally no idea what camouflage is, and apparently think the 21st century U.S. military disguises its soldiers as, like, trees and shit, like they’re going to help Malcom and Macduff take Dunsinane from Macbeth.