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Rusty must return the snake to the Yard Of Abandoned Animals Named “Lucky”

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Better Half, 10/12/14

Like the Lockhorns, the Better Half just churns out a bunch of individual panels to fill its extra allotment of Sunday space. Unlike the Lockhorns, the Better Half attempts to link the panels together; they never create any coherent storyline, but rather present disconnected moments that circle around a few linked themes like some kind of avant garde non-narrative film. The sense of psychic dislocation this produces is really ramped up today, as all the jokes center on teeth, and dirty teeth, and tiny magical beings who come to you in the dead of night while your spouse is asleep and want to take your teeth.

Mark Trail, 10/12/14

“There are thousands of kinds of snakes, they are everywhere, and lots of them are poisonous and one kind can just straight up strangle a crocodile, as depicted in this nightmarish drawing. Also, about a third of people have this weird, irrational fear of them for some reason!”

Momma, 10/12/14

Welp, looks like the Hobbes family is about to be conquered and enslaved, assuming they survive the devastating diseases against which they have no immunity! Everyone is right to look horrified, in other words.

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With any luck, he’ll be bloviating through Sunday

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Mary Worth, 10/7/14

Few things have unsettled me more today than Hanna thinking to herself “My grandson is safe with his mother … for now.” What could this possibly mean? Safe from what? Is he the Chosen One of Prophecy, with a magical protection charm keeping evil at bay as long as he stays in his mother’s home? Is this why Hanna’s been so reluctant to babysit him, because while his mother’s out finding self-actualization or true love or whatever, Hanna must maintain constant vigilance against the emboldened dark forces who seek to snuff out Gordon’s life before he can come into his full powers? Probably not, and I guess we’re never going to really find out, because right in the middle of this reverie she just stone-cold rammed into the front of Ian’s car, and I assume that his condescending rage will be both extensive and hilarious.

Apartment 3-G, 10/7/14

Kudos to Margo for maintaining her utter dominance over both Tommie and Lu Ann with one power move. I certainly hope that every third night over the past few months she and Lu Ann sat together staring at empty plates for several hungry, agonizing hours. “Look, Margo, I don’t think she’s coming home tonight, I could cook something real quick–” “No. It’s Tommie’s night.” “Well maybe we could just get some Thai food delivered, or–” “It’s Tommie’s night, and put that phone down RIGHT NOW or I am not responsible for the consequences.”

Better Half, 10/7/14

Remember, only in the sweet grip of death can you escape the extractive power of the tyrannical state! SUICIDE IS A REVOLUTIONARY ACT

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The King and His Horses is their debut album

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Heathcliff, 8/12/14

Here’s an amazing fact that maybe you’re smarter than me and it’s not news to you but maybe it will blow your mind as much as it did mine — I think maybe Ryan North’s Twitter feed is where I heard it but I’m not 100% sure. But, anyway: have you ever noticed that nowhere in the Humpty Dumpty rhyme does it mention that Humpty Dumpty is an enormous man-egg? It’s true! It’s not clear from the rhyme’s history whether he was always meant to be an egg — perhaps it was originally a riddle with his eggish nature as the answer as to why he couldn’t be reassembled. Wikipedia says that “the rhyme is no longer posed as a riddle, since the answer is now so well known.” Humpty-as-egg is such a well-known bit of pop culture, in fact, that Heathcliff and his friends have named their new eggcore band “Dumpty,” which nicely fits into the narrow space between whimsically surreal and thuddingly stupid where Heathcliff has found its sweet spot.

Better Half, 8/12/14

Stanley and Harriet yearn for the days when healthy electronic pizza will be a thing. Until then, they’ll just keep on eating enormous blobs of chocolate-chip cookie dough, I guess.

Funky Winkerbean, 8/12/14

Les has finally figured out that probably nobody wants to see a movie of Lisa’s Story and definitely nobody wants to see a comic version of the story of how Lisa’s Story got made into a movie, so he’s now kicked us into a mildly more interesting fantasy sequence instead.