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Gil Thorp, 11/16/11

Trust me, the current plot of Gil Thorp is totally not worth time time it would take for me to describe it to you, but I do think everyone can find today’s strip amusing. Say what you will about those Mudlarks, but they sure are together emotionally. Most high school athletes would probably be cowed or angry when one of their coaches freaked out on them, but these guys just sweatily crack wise and do a little armchair (or sideline bench) psychoanalysis. “Ho hum, another high school football coach who’s just living vicariously through us, probably because his life peaked during his own high school days and now he’s way too emotionally invested in these largely meaningless contests! I mean, he’s right, we do suck, but he should be taking an entirely different motivational tack if he expects us to respect him.”

Judge Parker, 11/16/11

If only Derek were so self-aware; instead, it’s becoming increasingly clear that his feeble teenage wits are no match for Sophie’s robotic intelligence and grim determination to possess him “I’m sure you had no idea … but she threatened me today, after I openly declared my intentions of stealing you away from her! It was totally unprovoked, except for the part where I kept taunting her!”

Ziggy, 11/16/11

Ha ha, those wacky foreigners! Not so bright, but very, very hungry! They’re starving! Literally. Because of the famines. Wacky!

Hi and Lois, 11/16/11

In other news, Trixie thinks her mom is fucking the dog, I guess.

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Judge Parker, 11/5/11

“Sam, you and I both know that a ‘gift’ involves emotional entanglement and webs of obligations, which I have no interest in. This is strictly a commercial transaction! Derek has been contracted to teach me about sex, and guitar playing; the latter, I’m given to understand, can be parlayed to obtain additional sex.”

Ziggy, 11/5/11

I was initially confused about how Ziggy managed to end up with a leg injury after being rear-ended, but then I thought, eh, probably there’s just one archetypical “injured Ziggy” template, with new dialogue swapped in as needed. Because the only thing sadder than the idea of millions of Ziggy fans laughing unaware at recycled panels is the idea of Ziggy panels being painstakingly created anew when the only payoff is yet another Ziggy comic.

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Ziggy, 11/1/11

Oh, Ziggy, you keep making the mistake of thinking that you and your cold-blooded aquatic friend have any sort of shared values. We already know that he dreams bloodthirstily of the day when the mammals wipe each other out in a genocidal war, leaving the planet to him and his fishy compatriots. Thus it should come as no surprise that he’s pleased by the thought of a great flood rising up and wiping out all land-life, allowing him to happily swim about the rooms he can only dimly perceive from his bowl today. These “underwater homes” might be bad for you, Ziggy, but they’ll be very, very good for him!

Fortunately for us air-breathers, fish are still unable to fully grasp metaphors, which are our main tool for planetary domination.

Marmaduke, 11/1/11

Marmaduke of course dreams of sitting atop a throne of skulls as the demon-king of hell, so there’s actually a bit of pathos in seeing him woof out bluster from some ratty suburban armchair.

Spider-Man, 11/1/11

Whoah, has it been a while since we’ve seen the Amazing Spider-Man failing at something? Well, here you go! Ahh, that’s the stuff.