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Okay, so maybe Sunday’s post was a little, er, gentle. Sorry! It’s hard to maintain Joshworthy levels of invective when you haven’t got, y’know, his digestive challenges. But I’ll make it up to you – here’s a quadruple helping of the most revolting muck ever to poison three seconds of your morning coffee break.

It’s Monday! Go nuts!

Zippy the Pinhead 1/29/07

This dripping, self-indulgent bolus of hipper-than-thou omphaloskepsis no longer stains even the benighted San Francisco Chronicle. Voted off in a reader poll. Deluded fans howled: such sweet, sweet music!

Quigmans 1/9/07

Hahahahaha! People are fat, stupid, ugly, and miserable! Hahaha! Vomit! Booger! Fartfartfart! Hahahahaha!

Grin and Bear It 1/29/07

They’ll Do It Every Time, lacking only the wit, draftsmanship, and goodwill.

The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee, 1/24/07

A California bill to outlaw spanking of children was defeated when opponents circulated copies of The Brilliant Mind of Edison Lee. Legislators have introduced a bill to require such spanking.

Okay, Chennux? Okay? Jeez – my tap shoes wore out, it hurts to sit, and I have no idea how to peel these things off my chest. What’d you stick them on with, grannix phlegm? It’s not funny, man — not funny!

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Mary Worth, 10/12/06

Oh, come on now: You know you’ve all idly thought about faking your own death, if only to see how people would react at your funeral. I think if I were Aldo — whether I was looking down on this mortal coil from my new home on a fluffy white cloud, or very much alive and hiding in the bushes, chortling with glee — I would derive a great deal of satisfaction from the sudden case of the squirmies that has beset our fearsome foursome here. It’s all the more obvious and awkward for them, considering that they seem to make up half the funeral party.

Curtis, 10/12/06

Not that we should expect the average tweenager to have an elaborate life plan in place, but I’m somewhat disturbed by Curtis’ two potential scenarios for getting out of his parents’ tiny apartment: Either he can become economically independent and a contributing member of society, or he can … get married. Speaking as someone who married a homeowner, I say go down path number two, Curtis. It’s a lot easier.

Zippy the Pinhead, 10/12/06

You know, you can be irritated by a comic day after day, but then once in a while you’re reminded why you still read it. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard a put-down as succinct, forceful, and useful in any situation as “Clam up, noseface!” I intend to put it to good use in the not-so-distant future, believe you me.

Family Circus, 10/12/06

See, this is why I’d be such a lousy grandparent: My response would be, “I don’t know Dolly, is your song going to be any good?”

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Zippy the Pinhead, 10/26/05

Today, for the first day in, like, ever, I laughed at Zippy the Pinhead. The last line is funny, but I really like Zippy’s opener. I like it so much that I want to shout it, Zippy-style, over and over. “Inappropriate use of circus imagery! Inappropriate use of circus imagery! Inappropriate use of circus imagery!” There, that was fun. So here’s to you, Zippy the Pinhead of October 26, 2005! You justified the space you took up in today’s paper. Let you be a lesson for future generations of Zippy the Pinheads! But, sadly, you probably won’t.