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Judge Parker, 1/24/24

Oh, yeah, so it turns out that the long lost Parker sister is in fact a scam artist — not, to be clear, that she’s only pretending to be the long lost Parker sister, but rather that after leaving the comforts of the Parker home, she became a master of scamming, if Detective Yelich’s instant judgement of a picture of a fake ID that Alan quickly grabbed out of Ann’s purse while she was in the bathroom is to be believed. Anyway, today’s second panel is very funny, to me, as we can imagine the emotional rollercoaster this 1950s snob salesman caricature will endure when the credit card charges for this expensive (?) dress are inevitably reversed.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 1/24/24

Oh, yeah, so it turns out Rene survived his terrible car accident thanks to Rex’s quick intervention but he’ll be in traction for months. Tragically, it also seems that he’s now permanently stuck in mid-sarcastic eye roll, just like his mother always warned him.

Mark Trail, 1/24/24

Oh, yeah, so it turns out Mark organized a big fishing retreat to help men bond and get in touch with their feelings and each other. But he still didn’t bring Rusty, ha ha! Anyway, you know who really isn’t going to enjoy this is the fish, who will be killed and eaten.

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Dick Tracy, 1/23/24

I think it’s sweet that these two ladies keep a poster of their deceased corpse-guy (he was a corpse-guy before he was deceased, to be clear) mentor/lover(?) around. Still, I don’t know how he’d feel about having extremely generic aphorisms attributed to him in response to extremely specific situations like “I accidentally poisoned the wrong person but I need to continue to earn my living as a stage magician.”

Marvin, 1/23/24

The funny thing here is that we definitely know that Marvin didn’t buy that “I [heart] daddy” mug; probably it was Jenny, in a desperate attempt to convince her husband that their child is worthy of human affection. Anyway, she’s wrong, he isn’t, and Jeff is right to take this free vacation and Jenny should go with him. Honestly they should change their names and never come back!

Blondie, 1/23/24

A pretty good sign, I feel, that I’ve lived my life right is that when a photo goes viral of a guy at a Detroit Lions game eating a comically large sandwich, multiple people send it to me with some variation of “OMG it’s Dagwood!” Anyway, I’m pretty sure Dr. Austin kept saying “oh my” has he brought increasingly advanced instruments to bear on Dagwood’s torso, which all readings indicate isn’t full of guts like a normal human’s but just an endless, insatiable ~v o i d~

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Family Circus, 1/22/24

Look, I’m not going to stand here and claim that the line between “saying the darnedest things” and “heresy” is a clear and bright one. But it does exist, and Ma Keane is seen here subtly but carefully policing it.

Hagar the Horrible, 1/22/24

Hey! This strip promotes the pernicious myth that the only qualification for being a Viking is that you like stealing stuff. That’s simply not true! You also have to like killing people, and we have no idea if this ex-banker has what it takes. (Surprisingly, you don’t have to like being in boats for long periods of time, as the puking guy up front makes clear.)

Crock, 1/22/24

Oops! Looks like the Legion took Poulet’s pessimistic assessment so seriously that they decided to fly the Black Standard of Muhammad to demonstrate that they had already gone over to the insurgents’ side and converted to Islam. Too late to back out now, fellas!