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Enjoy your weekend in the humorous glow of this week’s top comment!

“Justin is doing his own thing, as always? No. I don’t believe it. Oh, wait … a lava lamp? I stand corrected.” –Handsome Harry Backstayge, Idol of a Million Other Women

Your runners up will also bring you a smile, from their funniness!

“Oh, I know why. It’s because Slylock is an adherent of Thomas Nagel’s epistemological skepticism, whose central premise is to doubt the existence of everything, including, but not limited to, Reeky’s proffered alibi. So that one was easy today. I’ll bet all the kids will get it!” –Bob Tice

“What is it about the weird bird world that Shoe takes place in that nobody can have a straight conversation? It must be hellish to live in a society where even the most basic of questions is met with either a stupid pun or a sarcastic jab.” –ectojazzmage

“So intrigued by whether the fish is the friend or the fish is the bed.” –LLM Cool J, on Twitter

“Wilbur has two paths to go from here. On the first, he processes this lesson about the impermanence of relationships and learns to let his attachment to Iris go, having achieved true inner peace. On the second he gets even weirder and, I dunno, marries his other fish.” –Dan

“What’s funny about that punchline is that it’s so overwrought Dustin’s dad must have been working on that for a solid week. I’d tell him not to quit his day job but it looks as though he hates that too.” –pugfuggly

“I’ve lost a couple of pets in my time, and one thing I never did was collapse against the fridge sobbing out urban legends about Walt Disney’s corpse.” –Schroduck

“Leave it there … I can’t come to the door right now! I’m using the bathroom! Oh, wait … I’m not in the bathroom, am I…?” –Charterstoned

“Say, did you know the ‘cola wars’ are considered to be an ongoing thing? That puts an Orwellian spin on today’s strip. (‘We have always been at war with Keurig Dr. Pepper…’)” –TheDiva

“Trixie is waging a war against the Mainstream Media, which is libelling her friend, the sun, saying it causes skin cancer.” –Ettorre

“Those snails are in the desert because that’s where you find the mutating radiation that has clearly turned them into oversized monsters, as 1950s science fiction movies always told us it would. I mean, look at those flowers: half the height of a flatscreen TV, and the snails dwarf them. The snails are huge. Fear the snails of Yucca Mountain.” –Vice President John Adams

“It’s just a silly comic, but I’m going to be spending the rest of my day wondering if snails are either so technologically advanced that they have televisions that work with no apparent power or signal/streaming sources, or so gullible that you can fool them into thinking they have a television by slapping a simple drawing onto a stand.” –Tabby Lavalamp

“So Justin’s evolved his pineal gland into a working third eye. Good for him; ain’t Theosophy great? Or at least peaceful and, these days, mostly extinct. I suppose he could have joined Aum Shinrikyo or Heaven’s Gate or the Unification Church or any other organization filled with crazed loons who have ambitious goals to rule or kill, but no, this is Rex Morgan, the ‘no soap, no opera’ of soap opera strips.” –Voshkod

“Goddammit, kid, it’s 5 of 6:00. I just got home from a long sweaty day perfecting the delivery system for Napalm, and I just want a drink. It is far too late in the day for ontology!” –I’m Not Cthulhu, But I Play Him On TV

“He’s not being that good. He’s wearing his shoes while on the furniture, for one.” –taig

“When he was in prison for burglary, Malcom X became a voracious reader and would use the knowledge gained and his newfound faith to become one of the most influential civil rights leaders of the 20th Century. Dennis, however, has just become more and more spiteful. Literacy will be the first thing to go when he attains power.” –Philip

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Between Friends, 5/24/24

For my sins, I must occasionally fulfill my oath and keep you up to date on the Between Friends gals, so: the dark-haired Between Friends gal is working temporarily in Paris, and has a flirty relationship with her boss Benoit and a weirdly antagonistic relationship with her coworker Louise, and today we’re finding out why. I bring all this up because, maybe I’m crazy, but I find the phrasing in panel two here very weird? Like: do I think your wife’s sister’s daughter is your niece? Absolutely. Would I still call her your niece if you and your wife got divorced? More of a grey area, but I still think of my dad’s brother’s ex-wife, who I’m friends with on Facebook, as my aunt, and they’ve been divorced for 20 years, so it’s not unreasonable. But the formulation “his niece on his ex-wife’s side!” just seems deranged and unnatural to me. Do we have nieces and nephews on … sides? I am imagining her co-worker here saying it in a really heavy French accent and then explaining what he thinks it means. “‘Niece’ is what you say in English for a woman you’re sleeping with who isn’t your wife, non? And ‘on your wife’s side’ means your wife knows about it? My English is, how you say, not so good.”

Dennis the Menace, 5/24/24

I honestly love the vibe Dennis is giving off here. He genuinely is being good, just calmly sitting on the chair and reading a book, like he’s been doing for the last three days, and it sucks! It sucks ass and he hates it! He’s doing it because he has to but he will never like it.

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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/23/24

This week we’ve been getting a little catchup on what the ancillary Rex Morgan characters have been up to, and it’s mostly pretty boring, but I did think you’d like to see what Justin’s whole vibe is now. You remember Justin, right? Niki and Kelly’s sassy friend who had a terrible puking sickness at one point? Well, he’s a hippie now. A hippie skateboarder. A hippie skateboarder … pirate? Also barefoot, if that’s your thing. Don’t worry, these kids are in college now, so they’re supposed to be 18, but are also clearly played by 36 year old actors, so don’t feel bad about it! Check out those feet if you want!

Six Chix, 5/23/24

You know how we make fun of snails for being slow? Well, what if they like it? What if they’re comfortable with being slow and wish more of the world was slow like them? This is a good Six Chix, I’m calling it now. Not sure that snails live in the desert though, seems like their whole slimy deal requires a moister environment, but I’m not going to do any research because I actually find snails kind of off-putting, due to the aforementioned sliminess. Still, you do you, snails! Slowly. Somewhere where I can’t see you.