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Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/11/16

Well, looks like we’re done with the “Rex Acquires Real Estate and Breaks Hearts” and “Dementia Sure Is Depressing” storylines for the moment and are moving on to your favorite and mine, “Everything’s Coming Up Sarah Morgan — Forever.” The relationship between Sarah and her minder is reaching new heights of passive aggression: Kelly notes with with cheerful surprise that Sarah hadn’t been physically assaulted on her first day of school, despite her terrible personality, and Sarah demands to transcend her physical limitations and sit up front like the big girl she has bullied her private school administration into declaring her to be.

Mark Trail, 4/11/16

Oh hey guys, I know it’s been a while since we checked in with Mark Trail’s exciting cave adventure! And today we have … uh … Karst processes … gypsum … you know what, I’ll just let you know when the punching starts up again.

Pluggers, 4/11/16

Well, this seems relatively harmless, and … wait, what’s that say?

NOOOO

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

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Panel from Mary Worth, 4/10/16

Guys, when we started on this journey together with Harlan Jones, the Sensual, Bendy, Spiritually Advanced Substitute Art History Professor, I made a joke about how eventually he would make a pass at Dawn. I did this not because I thought it was going to happen, but because I thought it wasn’t. Coming up with absurd counterfactuals for the soap opera strips is basically like at least 75% of why this blog exists, and I figured a forbidden student-professor romance and/or a faculty member making a gross sexual advance on one of his students would be a little too hot for Mary Worth. It’s starting to look like I was wrong, though! It’s starting to look like the most unlikely seduction in human history — a guy who looks like the guy in a 1950s movie whose girlfriend Cary Grant steals gives a half-assed art history lecture about how awesome Leonardo da Vinci was instead of actually talking about art history, inspiring his class’s drippiest student to come talk to him, and then he shifts the topic to yoga, and then she comes and does one yoga class with him, and then she gets invited to a private yoga session at his house, and then probably sex — is about to happen. God have mercy on us all.

Panels from Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/10/16

The desperately impoverished residents of Hootin’ Holler are of course almost completely cut off from the mainstream American economy, but they keep in tenuous touch with the outside world via radio and thus have an extremely tenuous idea of what it’s like out there, with heartbreaking results.

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Spider-Man, 4/9/16

“Oh, thank goodness! Another, better superhero is awake! We’ll be free in no time!”

Beetle Bailey, 4/9/16

We all remember the famous Blondie unspeakable filth strip, but that was just accidentally about dog-fucking, or at least had plausible deniability. This … this is just straight up about dog-fucking, right? Or at least human-dog romance? There’s not really another interpretation, right?

Crankshaft, 4/9/16

Ha ha, it’s funny because Crankshaft’s body is failing, to the extent that even his favorite pastimes are physical agony to him now!