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Mary Worth, 4/29/16

Pop quiz, y’all! Who are the saddest people in the comics todays? Are they Dawn and Harlan, psyching each other up to make out by staring at a statue and assuring each other that their greatness is the reason nobody else wants to hang out with them?

Funky Winkerbean, 4/29/16

Is it the next-gen teen characters of Funky Winkerbean, whose names I have never bothered to learn, and who are already so convinced of life’s eternal, oppressive gloom that they look forward to their future dementia wiping their minds clean?

Gil Thorp, 4/29/16

Nope! It’s the guy in panel two of today’s Gil Thorp, who’s so desperately lonely that he leaves the radio on all the time just to hear other human voices, even those humans are Gil Thorp and Marty Moon, and they’re talking about high school baseball.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 4/28/16

“Maw” is a typical Snuffy Smithism meant to signal the characters’ nonstandard, uneducated speech patterns without actually trying to capture any specific dialect. Nevertheless, I am going to interpret it literally. “Aunt Lo says maws are s’posed to, Mary Beth! She says it’s strange to have a hole in the middle of your face, to realize your body is just meat wrapped around a tube, to need to constantly push dead animals and plants into yourself just to keep alive! It’s only when you know that your body is a disgusting prison in which the cruel demiurge has imprisoned your immortal soul that you realize you must shed it order to transcend to the highest heaven!” I’m, uh, not sure how this joke ended up with the Hootin’ Holler folk becoming gnostic dualists? Whatever, let’s just run with it, that’s canon now.

Gil Thorp, 4/28/16

Ah, we have come to the sacred beginning of any Milford sports season: the ritualistic Reciting of the Names! Honestly, Gil does not appear to be treating this occasion with the reverence it deserves. Pretty sure he’s rattling them off into Marty’s phone so quickly that he doesn’t have time to inhale, which is why he’s going a little cross-eyed in that last panel.

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Spider-Man, 4/27/16

Oh, man, there’s a lot I haven’t been keeping you up to date on with Spider-Man! Like the wicked Xandu, after imprisoning our heroes, kidnapped Mary Jane (whom he assumed was Dr. Strange’s wife), and claimed her as her own! And then flew her over Manhattan! But the she almost got airsick and puked! So he landed in Washington Square Park! And Spidey and Doctor Strange tracked her down because she’s wearing a homing device that allows her husband to locate her at all times, which is a little unsettling, honestly! But then Xandu whisked her off to some magical other dimension! Anyway, none of that is anywhere near as interesting or funny to me as Dr. Strange using his invisibility powers to make Spider-Man look dumb in front of a gawking, jeering crowd of New Yorkers.

Family Circus, 4/27/16

It can be awkward having “the talk” with your kids about where babies come from. Fortunately for Ma and Big Daddy Keane, the post-sex future, in which humans are vat-grown in automated cloning facilities and flown to their assigned dwelling-pod by robot helicopters, is almost upon us.

Hagar the Horrible, 4/27/16

Lucky Eddie used to jerk off into a sock puppet, but then he lost it.