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Blondie, 5/31/15

This is an extremely disappointing Blondie because we haven’t been privy at all to the drama that led up to it: the joy of reaching the big tournament shattered as Dagwood is yanked from the team, the friendship betrayed, Dagwood’s sense of self-worth destroyed. When the phone starts saying “Herb Woodley” in its robot voice (are there real phones that do this? because that sounds terrifying and awful), we should feel the pent up rage and frustration that Dagwood feels. It would make the pathos of the final row of panels — in which Dagwood’s resentment dissolves into pathetic gratitude at being a backup selection — all the more intense, and the sting of Herb’s final panel contempt all the sharper.

Panels from Mary Worth, 5/31/15

Oh, whoops, looks like Terry physically blocking Adam’s proposal was just a necessary step along the road that will lead to their inevitable marriage. As you can see in panel two, Terry is becoming increasingly unmoored from reality, not even able to trust the evidence of her own senses, which will make her helpless to resist Adam’s advances.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/31/15

“It’ll be fun to watch her try to be nice to people! It’s probably going to be super hard for her. She should just pretend to be nice, like I did to her a couple panels back. It was really easy! Say, I forget, am I the sympathetic character in this storyline?”

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Judge Parker, 5/30/15

Uh oh, looks like there’s already trouble in paradise between Neddy and her handsome designer! It seems that Neddy assumes, based on all evidence she’s been presented with over the course of her post-adoption life, that her half-baked business plan will be an instant success, so she’ll need a lot of inventory right away, and Hank seems irked that he’ll have to make use of the Spencer-Driver clan’s bottomless well of money to handle this! He’s going to be even more upset when finds out that all the employees at this factory are going to be old people and he’s going to have to build everything to accommodate their Rascal scooters.

Beetle Bailey, 5/30/15

I mean … this would be pretty funny comprehensible as a joke if it were a person wildly misinterpreting a doctor’s orders to eat greens? Perhaps someone who’s obsessed with golf, like our General Halftrack? And not an animal that’s already herbivorous? Unless the joke is that Halftrack is so blotto that he’s having a hallucination that he’s talking to a rabbit. That would be hilarious! Wait, no, sad, I mean very very sad.

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Hello, all! Here is your comment of the week!

“Just bear with me a moment while I don my signature red jacket to deliver my trenchant non-sequitur … Oh yeah, THAT’S the stuff … It’s Good To Be The Crank!” –Adam Menendez

And here are your hilarious runners up!

A3G: “I haven’t been keeping up but do the hair colors of the two talking people continue to see-saw from black to white then from white to black, while their conversations have remained delightfully colored like smokey fog?” –tallyHO

“I’m not sure that’s even an award that Gen. Halftrack is receiving. I think the official just tore off a piece of the bunting that’s hanging behind him. If he really wanted to do Halftrack a solid, he could give him his toupee.” –Pozzo

“I’m noting Marvin’s dad launches the grill upward, by lighting it at the top. Is he so bad at grilling that his attempt, instead of the expected exothermic reaction, ignited an introthermic reaction, which is a word I just made up to describe an explosive anti-fire, powerful enough to launch the grill into space?” –Jenny Creed

“What’s with the bawdy grin and knowing hat tip? Is … is ‘the crew on Slumber Mountain has the fire under control there as well’ a … a euphemism? A … sexual euphemism? What has the crew on Slumber Mountain actually been DOING this whole time, dear God?” –Jack loves comics

“ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE HANK TOLLS (I mean, it’s Neddy, obviously).” –Paul Acciavatti, on Facebook

“Early middle age warrior fights late middle age knight for 20th century snack! This is what the UFC is going to look like once they invent time travel.” –pugfuggly

“That’s not a safety helmet in panel 1. That’s a capello romano, beloved hat of Father Guido Sarducci and other Catholic clergy. Who knew the Vatican had its own hotshot forest-fire-fighting squad, ready to airdrop anywhere in the world at a prayer’s notice? They also do exorcisms. *koff*Rusty*koff*” –Bruce Arthurs

“How are you doing, Adam? Well, you’re trying to woo your ex-girlfriend with your Ed Koch impression. How do you think you’re doing?” –Green Luthor

“‘Didn’t you like the hot air balloon, hilltop restaurant or amusement park ride?’ Adam cursed himself for using the Mad Lib date planner.” –Steve S

“If standing next to someone cool and waiting for external validation is not in fact the way to achieve coolness then I’m just finding out I completely wasted four years of high school.” –Scootermark

“I’m digging the implied diss on his wife. ‘Oh, HER crummy superhero movies, ha ha, don’t even need to spare a thought balloon for those. Harry’s a better actor than she’ll ever be.'” –Laura

“It’s funny because Herb drinks his coffee from a previous thrift store find, someone’s old weed stash canister.” –nescio

“Hey! … Those ducks give me an idea … I wonder if Rusty has a windshield I can shit on.” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“It’s debatable the extent to which Jon Arbuckle can ‘hear’ or understand Garfield’s thought balloons. But I really hope the people in Herb & Jamaal possess some form of telepathy. Otherwise, their lives and conversations are punctuated by lengthy, oddly-timed silences. Questions go unanswered. Direct addresses are seemingly ignored. It’s a cold, sad world for them. Unless, like I said, they can read each other’s thoughts … which in retrospect might be worse. You know what? Forget I said anything.” –Joe Blevins

“So Mark is finally going to release Rusty down by the lake? ‘Well, Rusty, your performance review is in. Your randomly naming wild animals is at an all-time high, but your aw-shucks-ing and gee-whiz-ing has been in decline for a while, and you haven’t managed to raise your Cloying Quotient Score, either. I know you’re trying, but that’s not the point. You haven’t even managed to get kidnapped in years! Cherry gets kidnapped punctually, each and every time she leaves Lost Forest, as per the regs. I’m sorry, Rusty, but we’re going to have to release you.'” –Hogenmogen

“I am a tad surprised that you are missing out on one essential clue to Dennis’s threat level here: the color of that spilled egg yolk! A decidedly spoiled, botulism-laden green. Dennis is preparing poisoned cookies to serve to his parents, Margaret, Mr. Wilson, and anyone else who ever done him wrong.” –Paul Di Filippo

“The principal in panel two once dreamed of a modeling career, and spent her youth mastering the perky housewife poses from the old household magazines in her grandmother’s garage. Upon discovering most of them had long-ago ceased publication, she fell back on her PHD in education. But every now and then she seizes a moment to dazzle visitors with one of those perfect poses. She was about to add ‘It’s good … and good FOR you!’ when Kelly interrupted.” –DBenson

“A3G is starting to make me sad. Margo’s pugnacious dialogue, contrasted with her lackadaisical expression, makes me think that the whole world of the strip is winding down, like Westworld on dying batteries.” –lumaca morente

“Greg, you fool! Don’t you realize Margo could go online and post nasty comments on your fan sites! Or post a 0% review of your movies on Rotten Tomatoes? Or give your favorite restaurants negative Yelp reviews … or she could if she had a computer which… we’ve never seen before in their apartment … so, uh … you’re pretty much okay, I guess.” –Comrade Dread

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