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Beetle Bailey, 6/3/15

Hey, remember back in the ’90s, when General Halftrack got sent to sensitivity training due to his nonstop sexual harassment of Miss Buxley? Well, you’d think they would’ve covered the fact that inviting an underling who you want to sleep with to a social “group outing” that when she shows up turns out to just be for the two of you is a classic harasser move.

Phantom, 6/3/15

The Phantom seems to have some interesting priorities when it comes to stealth. He cares enough about it to hang around in full Phantom disguise gear in friend’s dark apartment; on the other hand, he’s just going to casually pick up his friend’s landline and make a call to his kids’ satellite jungle phone, which will presumably (a) be quite expensive and (b) leave a paper trail on his friend’s phone bill. (Also, I’m assuming that “friend” here is a euphemism for “criminal I plan to intimidate by lurking in his darkened apartment until he arrives home,” which is all the more reason he shouldn’t be gabbing on the phone when the dude gets there, probably.)

Gil Thorp, 6/3/15

“Did I know what with the who now? C’mon, I thought I had weeks until the part of the season where I had to pay attention to things!”

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Funky Winkerbean, 6/2/15

The current Funky Winkerbean storyline has involved Les being reluctantly drafted into helping run his graduating class’s high school reunion, and it’s been duller than most, but I’m kind of intrigued that any work at all has to go into contacting Westview High graduates, since one of the running themes of the strip is that nobody ever escapes the black hole of doom that is this horrible hell-town. I guess some people do? And they’re never spoken about aloud? Because it’s too depressing to imagine that you could leave but then for some reason don’t? Anyway, today we learn that everyone Les graduated with has a Facebook account but him, and I certainly hope they use their social networking time to all talk to each other about what a gloomy and yet somehow also insufferably smug ass he is.

Apartment 3-G, 6/2/15

Haha, I’m loving this out-of-nowhere slam on current James Bond director Sam Mendes. “He’s the worst kind of hack! You tell him American Beauty was the crappiest Best Picture winner in the last twenty years! Worse than Crash, d’you hear me? Worse than Crash!”

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Slylock Fox, 6/1/15

Despite the violence that must’ve accompanied the animal takeover of the world in the Slylockverse, it’s actually amazing how much of human culture has been maintained. The animals live in human homes in human cities, drive human cars, even wear clothes, albeit modified a bit to accommodate their anatomy. No doubt they see themselves like the first Germanic groups seizing power from the faltering Romans in the fifth century — they came not to destroy civilization, but merely to enjoy the benefits of it that had previously been denied to them. Thus it’s no surprise that the animals’ new leadership would leave up the statues of the human warriors of old; after all, they see themselves as those men’s cultural, if not biological, successors. But that surly rabbit teen — he doesn’t know anything about the Before Times. He’s grown up in a world run by animals, and he looks around and sees all these statues of hairless apes and he doesn’t get it, man. Why should he have any respect for these dead symbols when the only humans he’s met are opportunists like Slick Smitty or freaks like Count Weirdly? Slylock might look into that angry face and wonder what exactly and his fellow revolutionaries unleashed; but the future, the baffling future in which the animals would have to blaze their own cultural path, would belong to Ronny Rabbit.

Mary Worth, 6/1/15

“Adam’s been great, Mary! So great that I’m going to take one of these roses, which you’re cutting wearing thick garden gloves so you don’t prick yourself on their many thorns, and I’m going to grip it with the palms of my hands as tightly as I can while I think about how great he is!”

Apartment 3-G, 6/1/15

“Yeah, it’s a threat! I’m gonna come back to this … random street corner … where I just kind of bumped into you by chance … and hope you’re here! So if you’re trying to avoid me, you’ll just have to pick one of the thousands of other street corners in this town! I’m very threatening!”