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Judge Parker, 12/24/14

Oh hey, remember how our heroes were worried that their mighty camper had been felled by squirrels? Turns out they were right! They just didn’t know how darn cute their nemesis would turn out to be. The timing of this strip makes it clear that the baby squirrel is meant to represent the Christ child; Sophie, looming enthusiastically but terrifyingly over it, stands in for those eager to hear Squirrel Jesus’s message of peace, whereas Sam, like King Herod, just wants to dump it in the parking lot of some trailer park somewhere.

Heathcliff, 12/24/14

And Heathcliff is attempting to harvest magical reindeer shit for his own inscrutable purposes. Merry Christmakwanzukkah, everyone! See you in 2015!

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Gil Thorp, 12/23/14

Huh, so … Gil and Kaz really have been slacking in the basketball coaching department, huh? I suppose it’s because the football team’s championship season was occupying their energy as basketball ramped up, but my secret hope is that they’re just going to finally start admitting to each other that they try to do as little work as possible. “I mean, we could’ve gone to more practices, I guess, but then again isn’t it more fun to just hang out in the office and playfully tickle our football championship trophy?”

Herb and Jamaal, 12/23/14

I dunno, Jamaal, maybe because a legal prohibition on certain speech acts is different from social blowback and awkwardness arising from discussions on topics that people have strong opinions about? I mean, you seem to grasp it on the intuitive level, since you have the right to subject anyone within hearing distance to your inane musings but instead are playing it safe and just keeping them in thought-balloon form.

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Heathcliff, 12/22/14

The idea of Santa as an immortal being who’s been delivering Christmas presents for centuries is ridiculous, of course, but the truth behind the legend is much darker than most people can imagine. In fact, “Santa” has been a whole succession of different individuals down through the centuries. In this way “he” is kind of like the Phantom; but whereas the Phantom’s identity passes down peacefully from father to son over the generations, Santa-ness must be taken, with each new Santa defeating his predecessor in single combat to the death. And now notorious asshole and megalomaniac Heathcliff has come to violently insert himself into this ancient tradition.

Pluggers, 12/22/14

There’s been a lot of dilution of what exactly a plugger is over the years, but I refuse to accept a definition under which just being born in the three-week span from December 15 to January 5 makes you a plugger. D’ya hear me, Pluggers? This is bullshit. How about this: you’re a plugger if you’re cheap and lazy enough to get excited when it turns out your friends and loved were born around Christmas, because that means you only have to buy them one gift a year.

Spider-Man, 12/22/14

In the wake of Sony’s decision to pull The Interview from theaters after threats from (probably?) North Korea, look for a lot more deranged supervillains to get involved in the movie business. Today it’s just a question of whether a movie should get distribution or not, but soon these despotic maniacs will demand control over casting decisions as well!

Apartment 3-G, 12/22/14

I can barely maintain interest in what’s going on in Apartment 3-G these days, but it looks like Margo has managed to alienate yet another personal assistant, requiring Lu Ann to put on a pair of glasses and pretend to be “Clara” again.