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Mary Worth, 9/21/14

Welcome to your next Mary Worth plot, everybody: should old people (who aren’t Mary) be permitted to drive? Or, perhaps more specifically: should old people (who aren’t Mary, obviously Mary is fine, everybody, Mary is 100% in control of her faculties and her body is in as good as shape as it’s ever been, beyond some fetching silver in her hair) be forced to move in with their terrible daughter Amy, of whom they are obviously terrified? I’m guessing the answers are “no” and “after a little light meddling/reconciliation, yes” respectively. On the other hand, the Ralph Waldo Emerson quote found on inspirational-quotes.info seems to point in another direction. “We start dying as soon as we start living! You risk life and limb every time you get out of bed! Why not get behind the wheel? Why not experience the thrill of knowing you could plow into a crowd of schoolchildren, or be run down on the sidewalk? THE RISK OF DEATH IS THE ONLY WAY WE KNOW WE’RE ALIVE”

(Also maybe old people should go to the optometrist to see if they need new glasses? Just a thought!)

Blondie, 9/21/14

Legacy strips tend to contain innumerable running gags that have been popping up regularly for decades, and in so doing ossify cultural attitudes that have long ago faded in the real world. Strips like Dennis the Menace have really young kids playing unsupervised around the neighborhood in ways that were commonplace a generation ago but would get many parents in trouble with Child Protective Services today. The tradition of just letting your dog roam freely at night, has, I think, been dead (at least in suburban American neighborhoods like the one where the Bumsteads live) for even longer: I’m pretty sure I first learned that it had ever been common when as a child I asked my mother why Fred Flinstone was dumping Dino out on their doorstep at night, and was horrified at the answer. Yet Daisy being allowed to wander around unleashed in a common theme in Blondie, and I’m genuinely curious as to whether there are places in the United States where it would still be considered unremarkable. That all said, if Dagwood were abruptly devoured by this pack of feral dogs with the same gluttonous ferocity with which he’s crammed innumerable sandwiches down his gullet over the decades, I for one would not object.

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Mark Trail, 9/20/14

Hey, remember when this whole storyline started off, with Woods and Wildlife Magazine sending Mark off to Africa to hook up with anti-poaching activist Jacob Hickman, but then Mark got to Africa and Jacob Hickman had vanished, apparently under suspicious circumstances, so he just invited himself on Chris and Lori’s safari instead? Well, anyway, it turns out Jacob Hickman was fine, mostly, except that he had been delayed and forced to walk back to civilization … forced by rhinos. Ironic, isn’t it Jacob? You do so much for these ungrateful beasts, and yet they still try to kill you. Maybe you’ll lighten up a little on the whole poaching thing now, ha ha! Anyway, seems like Jacob’s working pretty fast to take credit for a whole lot of things that Mark did while he was busy taking his scenic little stroll.

Family Circus, 9/20/14

How much do I love mustache-dude just standing there with his hands behind his back watching Mommy Keane trying to parallel park? This is clearly his favorite form of entertainment. Probably he lurks around smallish parking spaces just waiting for something this exciting to happen. “Oh boy, this lady’s got a station wagon and a little kid in the car! I could get a solid three or four minutes out of this!”

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Good morning! Would you like to read this week’s top comment? Well, here you go! Have at it!

“I question the split-window design on the back door of that yellow sedan. ‘Ride in style with one window that can’t possibly roll down and another no more than a few inches wide in your new 1993 Oldsmobuick!'” –Ed Dravecky (on Facebook)

Oh, also, would you like to read the runners-up, which are also funny? Go to town!

“Context is vital here. At work, Leroy’s younger, more hirsute, not-yet-defeated-by-life coworker came bounding up to him with the news that he was going to ask his longtime girlfriend to marry him. Leroy didn’t even look up from his computer. ‘Mmm-hmmm,’ he said in a disinterested voice. ‘Listen, before you do that, why don’t you stop by our house this weekend?’ When his coworker asked why, Leroy just said something about ‘instructing’ him. The moment depicted in this panel is from Hour 5 of that instruction. The coworker’s heavy, heavy eyelids mean the process is working.” –Joe Blevins

“The Number 2 on his shirt is a clue as to what he did, the naughty boy.” –debussy fields

Mary Worth: “‘Too many parents think of their children as an inconvenience,’ says the woman whose lack of any immediate family leaves her endless time to meddle in others’ lives, as she lounges poolside in her idyllic beach-town condo complex and considers another serving of lemonade and cookies.” –BigTed

“Hey, kid. The guy who coaches your team had an ambulance parked next to the field so that he could make a joke about how shitty the team is. Do you know how much an ambulance costs? Couldn’t you just die of embarrassment? No? How about if I told you the guy he’s talking to isn’t stoned and hasn’t had a stroke, that dopey look on his face is a smirk. And his name is Les Moore — Les Moore, a pun, get it? Now do you want to die of embarrassment?” –handsome Harry Backstayge, idol of a million other women

“You want to eat out? Bring it up a couple hours before someone cooks for you. ‘This is No-Win City, and politeness is on my alderman’s agenda! Oh man, here come the traffic laws of basic civility!'” –Dan

“Cower in terror, O ye dogs of the street, for the Day of Judgement is upon you! For behold, the Angel of the Lord is astride his Pale Horse, blowing his trumpet! Today you shall account for all your sins, ye mongrels of the gutter!” –Perky Bird

“Pluggers don’t recognize eye parasites until it’s too late. They also have great fun with their fleas, ticks, and guinea worms. ‘Ah, look at ’em, poking his head out from my skin. He thinks he’s a plugger!'” –Voshkod

“I think the EPA might have this one right. Bonfires that black out the sun and turn day into night can’t possibly be good for the ecology.” –Brad

“If Olive were still with Mary, she could have warned Mary in time to prevent the accident. Where is your all-seeing tummy brain now?” –AhClem

“We can’t talk about it now, Carol! There are readers present!” –Cloudbuster

“Most comic characters have 4 sausage-like fingers on each hand. I can deal with this cartoonish simplicity. Beetle Bailey’s Cookie reduces this number to 3. In a few years, the strip will be inhabited by characters whose arms end in a flesh mitten. And from there, perhaps a singular, floppy knob to wrap around equally minimally drawn objects of indiscriminate purpose.” –hogenmogen

“We did all we could, Mark, but I’m afraid he’s gone! As soon as we turned our backs, he jumped out the window, stole one of the cars, and drove off, screaming something about ‘one-horned bastards’. Can you break the news to his lady friend?” –Enlong

“Mark Trail does not mourn. He merely closes his eyes, and somewhere, an eagle weeps.” –Jack loves comics

“Something was missing. Compassion. I spent all day emptying bed pans and dealing with sick people and their really gross diseases and festering injuries, and did I hear one word of sympathy from Margo or Lu Ann? No. How could anyone be that self-absorbed?” –cheech wizard

“That sounds more romantic than ‘Rotovirus Quarantine.'” –Kevin on Earth

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