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Judge Parker, 7/6/14

Oh boy oh boy, we’ve reached the best part of any Judge Parker storyline: the part where the smug, upper-crust protagonists get paid. Remember last year when Neddy befriended do-gooders Ross and Thalia and also invested in their dubious water filtration scheme, and Ross supposedly got kidnapped in Niger and it looked like maybe it was all a scam, but it turned out it wasn’t and our heroes were able to call in some shadowy black-ops extraction team to save him? Well, Neddy just got her first check for her trouble. Plus interest! Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta.

Speaking of gettin’ paid, remember how April’s dad Abbott had gone down to his heavily armed Yucatan jungle compound, to die? Well, apparently that’s for suckers, so he’s going to come back to the states and be Judge Parker Senior’s highly paid script consultant/the strip’s wacky neighbor instead. Come on board, Abbott! There’s room on this gravy train for everybody!

Shoe, 7/6/14

A good strategy for writing a comic strip is to take a joke your 10-year-old nephew heard in school, but then have one of your characters describe it, ashen-faced, as a terrible nightmare he had, to emphasize the intrinsic horror of the narrative.

Panel from Spider-Man, 7/6/14

Now that Spider-Man has been displaced from his super-heroic role by Doc Ock, Peter needs to find new employment — so why not as a mashgiach? “Wait, was this cow butchered improperly? My trayf-sense is tingling!”

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Apartment 3-G, 7/5/14

Oh hey it seems that Tommie is referring to the fawn she rescued as a “baby” in front of other people and not correcting them when they clearly assume it’s a human baby, as if that were a thing a totally normal and sane person would do. It’s almost as if weeks (months? years?) of hard work and not talking about your feelings isn’t the best way to deal with psychological distress.

Mark Trail, 7/5/14

“Oh no! The female appears to speaking about her ’emotions.’ No flaming stick can defeat her! Will I need to talk about ’emotions’ too?”

Momma, 7/5/14

Momma may be long-widowed and missing a man in her life, but that doesn’t mean she’s willing to compromise when it comes to the sexual skills and techniques of her potential partners.

Six Chix, 7/5/14

Hey, lady, I’m pretty sure your friends are just going to lob balls back and forth at each other using tennis rackets and golf club, which doesn’t really count as “sports,” really? Probably margaritas are involved, though.

Beetle Bailey, 7/5/14

Beetle Bailey took a moment to exhibit some pro forma patriotism yesterday before returning to its main theme: unrelenting class war.

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Getting the comment of the week out early, y’all, so I can spend the day celebrating the independence of USA America! WOOO!

“I kinda want to tag whatever Ohio town Westview is supposed to be with ‘LISA LIVES!?’ and perhaps ‘¡¿VIVA LA LISA!?'” –Voyage of the Oversnark

And let’s set off some fireworks for the runners up, who are also very funny!

“Figures that in Id, PETA is more active than Amnesty International.” –Marcus Theory

“I don’t think those are ice chips Mary is adding. I think they’re communion wafers, and she wants to see if the little prophetess Olive bursts into flames when she consumes them.” –Fritz G

“Lust for Lisa is it? Apparently the term ‘cancer porn’ is going to become a whole lot more literal than anyone here ever imagined.” –dmsilev

“My favorite, favorite thing about the Mrs. Pierpont revelation is that it’s happening in the throwaway panels in a Sunday strip. I have a new dream where all of the crime stuff happens in Sunday throwaway panels, gradually leading up to Mrs. Lanning getting gunned down in a warehouse on some random Wednesday, after months of foreshadowing in the two panels per week that a huge chunk of the readership doesn’t even know exists.” –Roto13

“The Cinemax-esque name Lust for Lisa may seem like a dopey joke about Hollywood’s creative bankruptcy, but it’s actually a brilliant illustration of how the humanity of the Funkyverse has diverged from our own. Freud posited that human psychology is formed from two equal but opposing drives: Eros, the drive for life and sex, and Thanatos, the drive for death and self-destruction. In the Funkyverse, however, Thanatos clearly conquered and absorbed Eros long ago, leaving a human race for which lust is inexorably linked to misery and death. That’s why the story of a woman’s lingering death of cancer has a porn title: for this sad alternate humanity, cancer is the only porn they have.” –MisterMahan

Judge Parker: “The narration box suggests that Sam getting the mail is exciting; I respectfully disagree.” –Master Softheart

“No shoes, no service! Get out, by order of the Health Department! Of course, feel free to crap where ever you are.” –hogenmogen

“In the competitive field of slut-shaming, Dennis’ mere words are no match for Margaret’s glare of pure, unadulterated contempt. I assume she’s wearing a black ribbon to show that she’s in mourning for the innocence of the world which is now lost through the wanton behavior of Joey’s dog.” –Joe Blevins

Mary Worth: “Olive’s parents are so wrapped up in each other, they’re totally ignoring her Wednesday Addams cosplay. They should understand she can’t go swimming without a proper black Victorian bathing suit.” –batgirl

“Lisa doesn’t really live, per se, in the rewrite. We’ve decided to go the horror route. Les and Miguel rush forward to greet her, she opens her parched lips and moans ‘caaaaaaaancer.’ Then it’s all fake blood and practical effects involving pig guts from that point on.” –Voshkod

“Apparently pluggers’ favorite musicians also don’t include bands from the 60s who remain popular today, such as the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, or The Who. Are they … hipsters?” –Chyron HR

“Ha ha! The Keane kids are so used to the surveillance state that they just assume that anytime a cat does something funny somewhere in America, the NSA just uploads the footage automatically.” –pugfuggly

“Don’t give up on your dream of YouTube fame so easily. Just this very day, newspapers around the country are publishing a comic strip about a bunch of kids watching a cat in an empty room. So anything is possible!” –Nekrotzar

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