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Rex Morgan, M.D., 5/11/14

Whoops, looks like June is not being a very good mother on Mother’s Day! How is little Sarah going to get by without her “assistant”/terrified thrall? This is what June is going to get as a Mother’s Day gift: she will wake up suddenly in a panic at 3 a.m., only to find Sarah standing next to the bed and staring at her with those shadowed eyes. “I’m very upset with you, mommy,” she will say. “Very upset.”

Judge Parker, 5/11/14

She’ll still be having a better Mother’s Day than stepmother-of-the-groom Katherine Parker, though! Sure, she’s being held captive by a vicious mercenary with a score to settle, but … she’ll be fine? Probably? This crazed, terminally ill arms dealer/con man says so?

B.C., 5/11/14

Typically an adolescent queen ant takes off from her birth colony on a “nuptial flight” with a swarm of males, most of whom mate with her and then die within a few days. She falls to earth, loses her wings, and begins pumping out worker-slaves, who build a new colony around her; she does nothing but eat and give birth to new workers for decades, using the sperm from her long-dead lovers that she stored inside her body to fertilize herself. That’s a scenario that would make for an interesting Mother’s Day comic, is what I’m trying to say.

Crankshaft, 5/11/14

“Happy Mother’s day! You’re a terrible person and inept mother who scarred me emotionally! I don’t love you or even like you very much! This is not a joke! It’s very very real.”

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Hagar the Horrible, 5/10/14

Hmm, seems like there’s been a shift since the last time I wondered whether Hagar and his clan have converted to Christianity! Clearly he’s grudgingly accepted the new faith from the south; while he continues his people’s traditional economic activities (pillage, theft, murder, enslavement), he now has to grapple with the belief that his soul’s fate after death will be determined by where he falls on some abstract scale of virtue. If he still maintained belief in the old gods, he’d know that after death in battle he’d be whisked away to Valhalla, where he would feast with the souls of history’s other great warriors.

Momma, 5/10/14

Isn’t this a cute scene! Francis leans against a bush (?) on Thomas and Tina’s (?) lawn, while Thomas, clad in pajamas (I guess?), stands sits kneels (?) by the window, hanging out to talk to his brother, eager (for some reason?) to hear every detail of the argument Francis had with their mother, which Francis relays for hours until Thomas dozes off. A true demonstration of brotherly love, and also baffling art-insanity.

Mark Trail 5/10/14

BREAKING: NEXT WEEK TO FEATURE BEAR FIGHT IN MARK TRAIL, STAY TUNED TO MARK TRAIL FOR RED HOT BEAR VS. BEAR ACTION

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Hey, look how early I am with today’s top comment!

“So Mr. Meatface over there considers disabled bears abnormal? That’s pretty insensitive, especially coming from a guy whose nostrils are about twelve inches away from his eyebrows.” –made of wince

And with the very funny runners up!

“Sure, panel five features Oscar The Grouch, Garbage Ape and Top Cat, but let’s not overlook the other beloved characters in line: Blackface Skunk, Vaguely Confused Owl, Hastily Sketched Creature Of Some Sort, and Terry The Ticklish Raccoon. A garbage night fiesta indeed!” –Cassandra Cat’s Lawyer

“Crank ignores an early warning sign of a heart attack. Certainly he’ll make another lame comment as pall bearer. ‘Never have so many lifted so much for so few’ or some such crap.” –Junior:Burping Cat of Warren,MI.

Funky Winkerbean: “Jess’s idea of ‘making a wedding video’ is sitting in the pew next to her camera being glad she got married.” –Uncle Lumpy

“GREY HOT ASHEN ACTION” –Failure Artist

“Is ‘stabbing a Romanian in a dark jungle’ euphemistic? IT IS NOW!!!!” –word-doctor

“If all that land comes with the house, I’d say that real estate lady is just trying a scam and will sell the property later to developers for millions. Who’s the real witch now, hmm?” –Berry

“I don’t mean to frighten you, but a wounded Mark Trail can be a lot more bland than a normal Mark Trail.” –nescio

“Like any dictator, Heath will post images of himself ubiquitously about the neighborhood, each with its sly eyes saying ‘I’m not directly facing you but I’m watching’ and the single protruding tooth symbolizing the threat of violence and the rakish whiskers protruding from the picture frame saying ‘I can come down from this picture, folks. Believe it.'” –hogenmogen

“What’s in that crock that Mary’s bringing in? It’s ‘nothing’, right? Because there is no interior to that crock? Because it’s actually a huge crack rock sculpted into the shape of a crock, and Mary is only loudly talking about whatever smug crap she’s talking about to throw the feds off her trail as she smuggles the stuff to her newest mule.” –bunivasal

“I could have been back 3 hours ago, but I really needed to stand around flexing.” –Chareth Cutestory

“Her sorrow belongs only the her. The horse tranquilizers I have her hooked on, though, those belong to me, and she knows it.” –Voshkod

“The words say ‘I don’t care about her feelings, issues, or thoughts.’ But that sly smile says ‘if you know what I mean, eh? No, don’t go, stay a bit, these sleepy eyes can not care about you, too. Both of you at the same time, even.'” –Margaret

“The hand that worries me the most is the one in the first panel. If a hand that size were plopped down on my shoulder while someone was telling me that I was about to become their ‘super sub’, I’d flee in panic before they pulled out the bun, lettuce, and mayo.” –seismic-2

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