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Mary Worth, 6/1/14

Haha, yes, Iris, the best-case scenario here is that Tommy and Jerry will mutually benefit from their new employer-employee relationship! Unfortunately, modern capitalism is too often run as a zero-sum game, in which capital extracts more economic utility from labor than workers receive back in compensation. But don’t worry about Tommy, though: yes, he’ll be making minimum wage, but he’ll have an opportunity to meet the droopy-ponytailed, small-faced woman of his dreams, thus proving that the social benefits of employment go beyond mere economics.

Spider-Man, 6/1/14

“What did he say!? Is one of my erstwhile nemeses going to start doing my job for me!? This is the best day of my life!”

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Mark Trail, 5/31/14

I don’t want to alarm you, but Mark Trail has spent almost as much time expressing affection for his wife (a human female) as he did gaping in wonder at the majesty of animal-on-animal combat. Will new-model Mark Trail now consist of episodes of Mark feeling emotions like a real person interspersed with violence dished out by the natural world? If so, my pick for the next animal attacker is the hawk in panel three, which has had enough of all this making out in its forest home and is swooping down to dish out harsh justice with its razor-sharp talons.

Beetle Bailey, 5/31/14

If it’s Saturday in Beetle Bailey, it must be General And Mrs. Halftrack Loathe Each Other With A Terrifying Passion Day! Here they are reading the paper in the morning, glowering at each other through sad, drooping eyelids and carping about the General’s ignorance about everything, including the institution to which he’s dedicated his life. Why should she ask him about the army? Why ask him about anything at all? Why talk? Why go on living?

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Hello friends! Your COTW in a moment, but first, in seeing-Josh-tell-jokes news, I will be telling jokes in a standup show in Baltimore this coming Wednesday! It’s called The Hustle, it’s put on by What Weekly, and it’s at Maryland Art Place at 218 West Saratoga Street in downtown Baltimore. Starts at 8 p.m. Here is the Facebook event! Don’t miss it!

And now, your comment of the week:

“It’s difficult to say what is most attractive about Boog from Little Blond Girl’s perspective. Is it his unblinking glassy black eyes? His black sweatshirt that glows an eerie red for some reason? The way he deftly uses that non-descript metal object to punctuate his every thought and feeling? His ability to emit tiny black hearts at will like some impish wizard? What IS it?” –Flippin Arkansas

And your runners up! Very funny!

“Meanwhile, Snuffy realizes that he’s in Count Weirdly’s virtual-reality chamber when he sees celery and a bunch of yeller bannaners in Loweezy’s shopping bag. Might as well have a gorilla and a goddamn tree sloth.” –Oregonian

Apartment 3-G: “Meanwhile, back in New York, Margo has quit her job as a publicist and is now *rolls dice* a hot dog vendor.” –Liam

“Incurable disease? Boring! I’m more interested in the story behind that tripoded chimera child wandering the halls.” –sporknpork

“But it was only later, when they insisted that she put on wire-frame glasses and a beard, that Sarah realized that she was the central part of the special Toulouse Lautrec exhibition.” –odinthor

“‘DINNER WAS WONDERFUL AND NOW I’M GOING OUTSIDE!’ Cabbage and baked beans again, huh?” –pugfuggly

“Now that Carol’s demanded a big fat kiss, I’m about 60% sure she’s not Jack’s mom.” –bourbon babe, unbuckled

“In the third panel of today’s Mark Trail, we see the horrifying fate of rebellious waffles in Lost Forest. Nailed to a wall and left to the mold. Don’t cross Mark and Cherry, breakfast food. Just don’t.” –Voshkod

“‘How many kids are going to be in this group, Ms Lanning?’ ‘I’m not sure … it’s a busload! I could count the seats or something, but that just smacks of math. I have people for that.'” –Enlong

Apartment 3-G: “Tommie better watch out — Carol could kill her in front of a dozen witnesses and the cops would never be able to get an accurate description of her. ‘Yes officer, I saw the whole thing — the perp was 5’ 10” and about 40 years old.’ ‘No, no, no — she was only four feet tall and couldn’t have been more than sixteen!’ “Well, one thing we all agree on — she couldn’t stand in one place for long, and her neck swiveled like an owl’s.'” –Tom, the Sailor Man

Mary Worth: “Glad to see Tommy upped his game from panel 1 to panel 2 by switching his tight T-shirt for a looser one with a scooped neck, all the better to give Tina a tantalizing glimpse of the uppermost tuft of his chest hair, a.k.a. The Sternum Bush. Tommy knows that all ladies love themselves a little bit of sternum bush, and hopefully it will distract Tina from noticing how freakishly dilated his eyes are when he stares at her lovely, Keane-Kid sized head.” –gelded wilderbeeste

“I love Weezy’s look of seething rage in that last panel. ‘It’s one thing to poison folks,’ she thinks. ‘It’s quite another to look so damn smug about it. They may tolerate that in Funky Winkerbean, but that’s in that godless Ohio. This is Hootin’ Holler! When you be makin’ a punchline up here, you best be sticking out yore tongue!'” –Guts Dozier

Mary Worth: “Huh, so ‘gentleman’ is the code for creepy guy who offers to get me alone within 10 seconds of meeting now? It’s so hard to keep up with slang these days.” CanuckDownSouth

“Roombas are programed to target concentrated areas of dirt and filth. I’m just saying.” –TheDiva

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