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Crankshaft, 12/14/12

Hey, all, have you been curious about why exactly Crankshaft has introduced a new character, who is cheerful and competent and thus hated by Crankshaft but also sad and lonely and abandoned by her family, into the strip? Well, now you know: she’s Crankshaft’s new love interest. that’s right, they’re going to make sex to each other, probably still wearing their Santa outfits. Happy holidays! (I took the Christ out of Christmas there because the whole scenario would make Baby Jesus cry.)

Apartment 3-G, 12/14/13

I haven’t really been able to figure out what the deal is with Cole’s doctor in Apartment 3-G, beyond the fact that he’s a creep with inconsistent character design. (Ha ha, it’s kind of funny that when I see two wildly different people presented as doctors in this strip, my assumption is not “there are multiple physicians working on the same case” but rather “jeez, Apartment 3-G artist and colorists, get it together.”) Anyway, Doctor “Doc” Whoever continues to be vaguely off-putting today, and also continues to deal with Lu Ann as if she has some relationship to his patient beyond “former art teacher of daughter.” What could this mysterious Christmas gift be? “Surprise! It’s a new brain for Cole, your not-boyfriend! A brain is what he needs, right? I sure hope so, it’s been out of the fridge for a while and it’s gonna go bad soon.”

Wizard of Id, 12/14/13

There’s obviously a lot to object to in this cartoon, but the one thing I can’t get past is the idea that Id is somehow one of the 20 most economically powerful nations in the faux-medieval hell dimension where it exists.

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That kind of rhymes, right? “13th” and “week”? A “soft rhyme,” like Emily Dickinson used? Anyway, here’s this week’s top comment.

“Coming Soon: Jared and Cherry in Fifty Shades of Flannel.” –Little Blue Bicycle

And the runners up! Very funny!

“One has to admire the Family Circus’ home-made shrine to the Lidless Eye of Sauron, though he’s not really the sort of deity who is into answering prayer requests.” –dmsilev

“Whatever look Thel is going for with the white jacket, purple shirt, and large gold crucifix — doctor? Tony Manero? newly-religious Sonny Crockett? — it’s ruined by the mom jeans.” –Joe Blevins

“Today’s Slylock Fox missed out on a great opportunity to teach kids how to identify hot steaming bear crap.” –The Mangler

“Ken Kensington may have more gray in his hair (actually, 100%) and less song in his voice (actually, none at all) than he used to, but he’s still aged better than Shelly, who can no longer use a spoon.” –seismic-2

“My favorite bit of the Bertha Bear tableau is the television, spatula murder weapon still in its side, with the look of shock and surprise still hauntingly in its dead eyes. You want to look for a motive for the prison break, there’s your answer.” –Damian

“Yes, Dead-Marmot-On-Head guy looks depressed in the last panel, but what about that smirk in panel one? ‘I knew when I invested my life’s saving in this place twenty years ago, that eventually everyone in town must come crawling to me! This one has finally realized that comic books are as essential as electricity or running water! Maybe I’ll be able to unload that Casper and Wendy overstock finally. For sex! Maybe I’ll tell her to have sex with me if she wants the comic books on this list! It’s a seller’s market now. Bwa-ha-ha-ha!'” –Dr. Mabuse

“Wow, I’d let Doris pierce my skull with her nail gun any time, if you know what I mean. (What I mean is that I don’t understand the mechanics of sexual intercourse.)” –Chyron HR

“There’s something about black and white photos that fosters a certain mood. Not that I’m talking about the photo you’re looking at, of course, it’s clearly got shades of blue all over. I just thought I’d make conversation. There’s something about white hair that’s been dyed blonde in the very front that gives a man an air of youth, don’t you think? Again, just making conversation.” –BrutusJ

“Barney spends a whole week trying to locate Snuffy? HELL FUCK YEAH, IT WAS WORTH THE WAIT!!!!! BARNEY GOOGLE IN THIS BEEOTCH!!!!!!!!” –Stantheman

“In other news, never has the phrase ‘The Hots? Really?’ summed up the feelings of so many, so wonderfully succinctly.” –A New Day

“Mark Trail is going to be so disappointed when he catches up with Cherry. ‘You struck him in the face and he still has stubble?'” –Dragon of Life

“Heathcliff is my new favorite short-tempered space-age feline greaser.” –Robot Quasar

“We ran out of milk. That’s why I put NyQuil on your Fruity Pebbles, giving you bizarre hallucinations. Our cat is driving a cat car, you say? That’s wild. Let me put on some Steely Dan and get you some B12.” –Christopher

“I am disgusted that the ‘protagonists’ in Judge Parker once again learn that the true path to success is just to be an arrogant dick to everyone and all your dreams will come true. I am even more disgusted that the gonzo journalist himself Hunter S. Thompson has returned from beyond the grave to throw his support behind Judge Senior’s awful novel.” –Sloth

A3G: “Ah, another happy ending: Cole gets a new lease on life, Lu Ann starts a new relationship with him, Marty’s apparently getting asked out on a date by the best doctor in the state, and Tommie continues her Italian vacation uninterrupted. Margo remains at large and should be considered dangerous.” –pugfuggly

“As a Star Trek fan, you can imagine my horror when I saw that almost the entire cast of Gil Thorp is decked out in red shirts. Who will die in the first five panels to demonstrate this plot’s monster? Farewell, Wynn Wiley.” –Ed Dravecky

“Given that Robbie is pretty much the nicest guy in Peter’s world, I can only conclude that either a mild collision would cause Peter to burst into flames like a Ford Pinto, or Spidey-Sense is kind of racist. Both are believable.” –Doctor Handsome

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Gil Thorp, 12/13/13

Ugh, guys, the football season Gil Thorp storyline ended up being so boring. Quick recap of how its various plot threads were “resolved”: it turned out that the big guy who never talks never talks because he was trapped in a car wreck with his dead parents for three days as a child, which is why he briefly freaked out when this happened; and Tip the gymnast/cheerleader, having been drafted onto the injury-decimated football team, scored the winning touchdown in the last game of the year by flipping over everyone’s head, gymnast-style. Milford didn’t even make the playdowns, obviously, but they did deny the conference championship to their hated rivals, so that’s worth something, right?

Anyway, basketball season doesn’t look like it’s going to be much better, given that Gil and Kaz are already handing out mental “good effort” awards to guys named things like “Don Stebbins.” I do appreciate Kaz’s attempt to liven things up a bit by dying his hair blue, to be more like the punk rockers he’s pretty sure the kids idolize.

Spider-Man, 12/13/13

Spider-sense: it may not protect you from debilitating blows from your adversaries to the back of your head, but if you’re interested in not lightly bumping into someone in the hallway at the office and getting hints about upcoming workplace personnel changes, it’s the superpower for you!