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Mary Worth, 1/12/14

OK, maybe Mary is feeling certain … feelings for legendary Broadwayman Ken Kensington, feelings that have never been stirred by ostensible longtime semi-boyfriend Dr. Jeff. If the introductory quote from notorious erotica writer (eroticist? erotica-ist?) Anaïs Nin isn’t enough of a clue, how about the fact that Mary is thought-ballooning about him for four straight panels? Obviously she can’t bring herself to actually visualize the act of s-e-x, but the fact that her reverie begins with a display of monstrous bones seems significant.

But is there trouble ahead for our heroine? Of course! Because Ken in panel four looks … strangely familiar:

Oh my God, Ken is really notoriously corrupt 19th century New York political boss William Tweed! The most striking difference between these two images — Tweed’s baldness — explains why “Ken”’s hair is a weird, buttery yellow: because it’s a terrible, terrible Gilded Age toupee. I’m not sure by what means Boss Tweed has hurtled himself forward to the 21st century to romance our Mary — time travel? suspended animation? chrono-witchcraft? — but it’s clear that an upstanding citizen like Mary could never get mixed up with anyone who was the object of such ire from Harper’s. Their love can never be.

Spider-Man, 1/12/14

Um, JJJ, I know it’s cool to have spent your newspaper’s copy editing budget for the year on a powerful gadget that can override a TV camera’s feed with its own video stream, but probably you could’ve just talked to the network’s producers ahead of time and set all this up in advance? Also, “FaceTime” is a registered trademark of Apple, Inc., so expect a sternly worded letter from their legal department, narration box, hyphen or no.

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Barney Google and Snuffy Smith, 1/11/14

Usually when Snuffy Smith makes a joke about “th’ economy” they at least take a stab at putting “haw haw our community is very far outside the economic mainstream” at the center of the joke. This one mostly seems like an “old hillbillies say the darndest things when they misconstrue extremely common English-language idioms” gag which is pretty weak. It’s not helping that Lukey is shouting the punchline at us at the top of his lungs for no reason in panel two. “I said, I never heard it leave!! Get it? Get it? Eh? I’m being deliberately obtuse, for laughs?”

Zits, 1/11/14

Sorry, Connie: Jeremy and Sara’s cyber-child is all too real. Everything you’ve feared about the future is true: your son and his fellow teens are abandoning the messy process of biological reproduction, along with its ancillary behavior patters like sex, love, and pair-bonding, and are instead building a gleaming android race that will replace us. While the transition will be painful — literally, in the case of outmoded biological lifeforms that resist the Great Cleansing — our heirs will live in a better world than this one, assuming you expand your definition of “living.”

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As most of frigid North America warms up to just irritatingly gross typical winter weather, let’s heat things up with this comment of the week!

“There is about 450 times more passion in today’s Garfield than in Luann. ‘Oh, Quill, your blandness is perfectly acceptable.’ ‘Yes, Luann, you also apparently exist.'” –aphthakid

And the always hilarious runners up!

“Get down on your knees when the surgeon enters the room?’ I know I have a bad insurance plan but at least I get to pay for treatment in money.” –theironjef

“The multiple, seemingly actually redrawn Stanleys staring blankly up at a parade of doctors and nurses look like they’re going for the record of ‘Shittiest Six Differences Ever.'” –Windier E. Megatons

“Remember how we were all, ‘Gosh, this strip is called Funky Winkerbean but it’s all about mopey old Les. Sure wish it would go back to being about good ol’ smilin’ Funky’? Beware the monkey’s paw, people. The next wish will bring cancer.” –Esther Blodgett

“Well, things have changed in the past quarter century! For instance, the addition of handles on mugs, which allows me to enjoy this steaming hot cup of coffee without burning my tender digits. I sometimes forget about this amazing invention, as evidenced by my panel one holding of the mug in a way that causes searing pain and discomfort. Well, off to my job as someone who has the make the best judgement calls for the well-being of hundreds of people!” –Irrischano

“Everything is falling into place! Tommie should be on the left, I should be on the … wait, let’s put Tommie on the right, then I’ll go on the left … That’s my left, wait, I can’t be on the left of my left. Tommie, you… Whatev. Lu Ann is in the middle.” –Hogenmogen

“It’s funny because Crankshaft takes a peculiar delight in destroying life.” –TheDiva

“Everyone is quick to assume that ‘Massacre’ is some kind of chemical. I’m holding onto hope that Massacre is actually a masked-wrestler-for-hire who really hates weeds.” –survivor

“Like most right-thinking people, I often amuse myself by interpreting Jeff’s conversation as comprising little but bitingly sarcastic replies to what he quite justifiably perceives as the stupidest collection of utterances ever made by anyone, but you know, some days they just take the sport right out of it.” –Violet

“We never say ‘die’, we only say ‘sent to the Shadow Realm’ or ‘I can see their parachutes.'” –Chyron HR

“Santa Royale is the city that goes to bed right after NCIS, is unaware that The Today Show has a third hour since they have a little snooze around that time, and then takes a nap right after the noon news that lasts until Jeopardy! No wonder Mary is confounded by a place where you can get a roast beef sandwich, porno, and a pear at 3 a.m.” –Lily Sincere

“You know, they call Santa Royale ‘the city that gets a sensible eight hours of sleep every night’. Do you suppose it’s because the mattresses aren’t infested with bedbugs?” –Steve

“So will seedy guide dude forever bear the impression of plucky reporter gal’s ring on his jaw? Of course, a reverse impression of ‘Bryn Mawr’ isn’t that intimidating, but it does sound like it might be Bandar for something.” –cheech wizard

“Remembering back to her days as a spy in the Underground in Nazi Germany, Mary instinctively eats the evidence that proves her guilt.” –Baka Gaijin

“I think Mary is trying that old movie trick of altering her voice on the phone by talking through a piece of cloth. Does it work? Does it even make sense, given that she’s in the middle of a conversation with someone who already knows who she is? No, she’s just trying to amuse herself, insanely bored with talking to Dr. Jeff, ha ha.” –Doctor Mabuse

Spider-Man: “If — let’s say, hypothetically — I were attacked by a giant condom made out of iron, I don’t think I’d be throwing around words like ‘cocky.’ I’m just saying.” –The Rt. Venerable Pasdordan

“What the hell did Mark THINK the scary noise was, that he’d be like, ‘Oh, cool, it’s just a huge bear. I was worried for a second.'” –Doctor Handsome

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