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Mary Worth, 4/21/13

Oh, look, Tom, who met Beth once at a group dinner and hasn’t been able to talk to her since, is already planning on making her his partner in his “life’s journey”! No, that’s not creepy at all, and the “journey” in question certainly isn’t to the beautiful flying saucer where his real people live, and the “journey” certainly isn’t initiated by drinking the Mystical Journey Juice (one part vodka, four parts Drano, dash of bitters). This shopping trip will be fine, just fine! Oh, also Tom, you’re a divorcé, not a “bachelor,” FYI.

Funky Winkerbean, 4/21/13

“All right, Les, you’re writing a made-for-cable movie here, so you need overwrought, emotionally manipulative dialogue that no human would actually say … come on, you can do it … YES! NAILED IT!”

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Wizard of Id, 4/20/13

Apologies to any all Garys who currently live in Utah and are I’m sure perfectly nice people, but isn’t it likely that a reference to “Gary in Utah” by the people of a certain age who run the longstanding Wizard of Id comic strip is in fact a reference to the most famous Utah-associated Gary? In other words, the creators of Wizard of Id would like to see fans of any other pop cultural phenomenon that threatens their dominance of the “wizard” brand lined up against a wall and shot! When you look at the strip through this lens, the misspelling of Gandalf’s name isn’t so much a matter of “nobody involved in this process could bother to spend 15 fucking seconds double-checking on the Internet” and more a deliberate snub.

Rex Morgan, M.D., 4/20/13

Oh, thank goodness, we’re back to the really important Rex Morgan plotline: June’s insatiable hunger. When will she finally get to eat waffles? How many will die, for getting in between her and some waffles? How horrible will their deaths be? Next week’s going to be awesome!

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Ha ha, this week, right? Ugh. Hopefully this comment of the week will distract you:

“So now you can say ‘fartsy’ in the comics? It’s probably best that my mother did not live to see this.” –Arabella

And the runners up! Very funny!

“The real crime here is that frilly-collared thing with the heart on the front. That’s what polyester is for, people.” –The Rt. Venerable Pastordan

“Silk may be the finest fabric, Slylock, but pelts bring top dollar, so watch it.” –sporknpork

“Yeah? Well, fuck Wilson. WE’RE the ones who are liable for you. He has to deal with what, like one pun a day?” –Doctor Handsome

“I’m impressed, actually, that Herb and Jamaal’s social-networking site got a name, not just ‘that popular social-networking site.’ But giving Jamaal’s ‘pal’ a gender of any kind would have been too much specificity for one strip.” –Mark

“I’m not particularly a fan of reality shows but The Neurotic Shut-ins of Charterstone is something I might actually watch.” –Violet

“Best case scenario: Beth is hit by an asteroid and Mary spends weeks reminding us how fragile life can be, especially when it’s smashed by a space rock travelling at 20,000 mph.” –Ed Dravecky

“Surely I can’t be the first person to suggest that that ‘Les, Miserable’ would be a great title for the Dead Lisa movie.” –Lumaca Morente

“I’m figuring if you want to start introducing someone to outdoor life, you don’t start off with primitive camping. You rent a deluxe cabin, or a room at a luxurious lakeside lodge. Then, as you say, you start of with a short hike, or some nice lakeside lounging. Maybe some relaxed spin-casting with a nice cooler of beer and some comfy chairs … After a day or two of that, you turn her loose in the woods with nothing but a knife and forbid her from coming back until she’s killed a deer and eaten its heart!” –Cloudbuster

“I know that Rex tends to looked perplexed at the best of times, but it seems that Milton’s knowledge of his wife’s pregnancy has literally blown his mind. ‘Women talk … to each other?’ he thinks, smoke billowing out of his ears.” –pugfuggly

Mark Trail: “Why can’t I get a cell phone signal out here? Oh right, we’re in the middle of the wilderness, and it’s 1955.” –Artist formerly known as Ben

“Poor, poor businessman. Shouldn’t a man of his age and wealth know, just as you never start a land war in Asia, never start a smug-dick-off with Rex Morgan?” –He Brought Queenie Baby Jesus

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