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Mary Worth, 9/18/13

Oh, man, I really fell down on the job of keeping you up with Mary’s adventures (and I use that word in the loosest possible sense) over the past few weeks, didn’t I? Well, lucky for me, I don’t even have to type up a recap, because she’s conveniently thought-ballooning one for you. Her choice of reading material does give me an opportunity to point something out that I’ve been meaning to bring to your attention, though: there is now an officially authorized Mary Worth anthology that you can buy with your money on Amazon, right now. It is called Love and Other Stories of Mary Worth and it includes three of the great Mary Worth storylines of the past decade. The first is the story of Anna, who Mary urged to pursue her old flame Brian at her high school reunion even though he was married, but it turned out he wasn’t married anymore and so they got married and had sex and then she was afraid she was barren but then she barfed and it turned out she wasn’t. Next of course is the gripping tale of Aldomania, following the tale of thwarted romance from first glimpse to fiery death. And then it concludes with the story about the figure skater and her overbearing father-coach, which I seem to remember enjoying at the time but in retrospect it seems kind of meh and I’m not going to bother fishing through my archives to find the strips, but still, you should buy this book, because why not? I actually had forgotten the title of this collection and briefly thought that, in an act of subliminal buzz-building, Mary was reading her own book. Still, we can hold out hope that Return to Love is the sequel that will follow hot on the heels of Love and Other Stories, and will include all sorts of romantical Mary Worth tales like, uh, that lady who almost had sex with Charterstone’s designated pervert but then decided to stay married to her husband instead. Stay tuned!

Spider-Man, 9/18/13

Man, do I love how indignant El Condor is over Spidey and Tarantula’s ruse! Now I know why the U.S. government keeps propping up his regime despite its well-documented history of human rights abuses: because he’s hilarious! (Also, he’s cheerfully subservient to American business interests.)

Crock, 9/18/13

Remember when everyone was freaking about E. coli in their hamburgers? I think it was the late ’90s? Also, remember when “hamburger steak” was a thing that people said and/or ate? I think it was never? I guess they mean Salisbury steak, but if so why does supposed Frenchman Crock love the Kaiser so much?

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Spider-Man, 9/17/13

Haha, so, wait, Tarantula … doesn’t have spider-powers? He just picked the name “Tarantula” and dresses up in a costume because it seems cool and bad-ass and vaguely theatrical, I guess. He does have the power to perfectly imitate a non-Spanish-speaking American, though, and that’s nothing to sneeze at!

This story seems destined to end in pleasingly farcical fashion, with the despot’s MPs having their heads mutually konkked by the only quasi-capable Spider-Man. Just to add to the air of general low-stakes incompetence, I’d like to point out that the Condor had sent for his marksmen because he apparently doesn’t trust his regular soldiers to successfully shoot a bound man standing only a few feet away.

Funky Winkerbean, 9/17/13

NEW FUNKY WINKERBEAN CHARACTER, EVERYBODY! Meet Jarod, with his oversized trenchcoat and black shirt and cigarette and sneer and screw-the-man attitude. He’s definitely bad news, though it’s unclear yet whether he’s the “will bedevil the viewpoint characters and demonstrate how the Kids Today are terrible” kind of bad news or the “we’ll learn each and every trauma heaped upon him in his life that made him the twisted man you see before you” kind of bad news. In the short term, though, I question whether Bull can really get him into any kind of trouble for smoking, because based on that retreating hairline I’m assuming he’s at least 30.

Family Circus, 9/17/13

Boy, Dolly and Jeffy sure seem awfully sweaty and tired considering they’ve only gotten maybe three or four inches into the ground. C’mon, kids, it’ll take all day for you to dig your own graves at this rate!

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Family Circus, 9/16/13

Check out the conversation happening in the background of this panel. Big Daddy Keane is gesticulating and going on and on in deadly earnest; his female guest has carefully composed her face and placed her hands in her lap, trying to look attentive; his male guest is settling into an ever-deepening slouch, hoping the talking will stop, soon. Is Daddy extolling the virtues of his favored candidate for the local state senate district? Pitching them on joining his Amway downline? Just not shutting up about how things were better in his day, and if we just whipped society into shape we wouldn’t have all these problems? Whatever the case, both those poor souls look like they would be seriously cheered up by a little kid walking in there and cramming more potato chips into his mouth than anyone would’ve though humanly possible.

Heathcliff, 9/16/13

These cowardly birds are giving up their greatest chance to overthrow their cat oppressor! Look at him, lying there, immobile, defenseless, the tender flesh of his face and limbs and tail exposed to attacks from revenging beaks.

Slylock Fox, 9/16/13

Enjoy your minor victory of ratiocination now, Slylock! When the newly arrived UFO aliens begin processing all of Earth’s organic matter — sapient animals, remnant humans, and plants and fungi alike — into a high-grade food slurry that will be shipped to the Proletarian Caloric Dispensaries on the capital planet of their intergalactic empire, it will all very much not matter.

Momma, 9/16/13

Relaxing and snoozing? Do the Hobbs kids know how to party or what?