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Would you like this week’s top comment? I imagine you would!

“Sorry, folks, but when Mary Worth says ‘cocoa’ she doesn’t mean sex. She of course means a drab, tepid, beige beverage which tastes nothing like cocoa.” –Digger

And the runners up! Very funny!

“I hope the rest of the week consists of the Parker clan sitting around the table marveling at the size of the check. On Saturday, the Revolution starts and the Parkers are the first ones guillotined.” –Calvin’s Cardboard Box

“Even with a rifle pointed at him, Mark remained calm. The monkey was close, in the trees. He spread his consciousness out to the nearby animals. There was a salt-water crocodile nearby; Mark touched its primitive reptile brain and brought it closer, just in case the monkey failed. But that wouldn’t happen. He saw Juan through faceted eyes of a hundred mosquitos. Distraction, if he needed it. And he saw Juan out of the monkey’s eyes, smelled the fear on the man with the monkey’s nose. Nature, red in tooth and claw, took a deep breath. And pounced.” –Voshkod

“The rack zoom on Jeff’s dissociative episode in panel 2 really highlights the non-Euclidean geometry of the car. I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s strip, in which Jeff slams on the brakes, garroting Mary with the seatbelt that’s apparently stretched over her jugular, and the Eschermobile tumbles out of the two-dimensional confines of the comic and into Marmaduke.” –Nate

“Mark Trail: There is nothing quite like wrapping up and recapping a bizarre and idiotic series of events, while making empty promises of ‘stories,’ over a great lunch of mustard straight from the jar.” –Marc

“Awww snap! This is the moment all of us Anne Eiffell/TJ ’shippers have been waiting for! No, it’s not, there’s no such thing.” –OMEGA SUPREME

“In fact, Evans, why don’t you stop drawing your female characters in cat-fights and dedicate you spare time to depictions of an unhappy TJ. You know, TJ dropping his ice-cream cone, TJ missing the bus in a rainstorm, TJ in the waiting room at the VD clinic. I WILL PAY YOU GOOD MONEY TO SEE THESE!” –pugfuggly

“I hope Sherry has good health insurance. She has probably acquired at least a dozen kinds of exotic Kraven-pelt parasites by now, apart from the lung damage caused by Kraven’s very special brand of B.O.” –Poteet

“Teacher says every time a bell rings, Margo houses down some more Goldschläger.” –Doctor Handsome

“Yep, Jeff’s black, orange and pink auto color scheme makes perfect sense.” –Doodle Bean

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Momma, 1/11/13

Francis broke this copying machine with his ass, right? Like, he was making photocopies of his ass, and then he broke the copy machine, with his ass? Look, he’s even tenderly resting his hands on his ass-injury! This is how people break copy machines in jokes, and yet the neo-Victorians who run the comics pages refuse to let us laugh at the image of Francis panicking as his naked ass shatters the glass on the office copy machine.

Mary Worth, 1/11/13

And yet they print depraved sexual filth like this in the newspapers where the children can see! Won’t somebody think of the children, for once?

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Beetle Bailey, 1/10/13

Every long-running comic strip that isn’t Gasoline Alley, Doonesbury, or pre-time-freeze For Better or For Worse has a problem: its characters remain the same age, more or less, but it tries to keep cultural references current, which means that everyone’s personal chronology is unmoored from the universal progression of time. What is their strange existence like? Today’s Beetle Bailey provides a horrifying insight. Everything that’s ever happened to the damned inhabitants of Camp Swampy over the last 50 years of our time — every terrible pun, every downed shot, every golf game, every act of egregious sexual harassment, every long march, every horrible meal, every vicious beating — has taken place over the course of a single, eternally long day. Time cannot heal the physical and psychic wounds its characters suffer, because time simply does not pass for them. This strip is more harrowing than I ever imagined.

Luann, 1/10/13

We interrupt my longrunning and deliberate policy of ignoring Luann to bring you today’s incredibly disappointing Luann. Yeah, TJ and Anne Eiffel made out, for, like, a second, before TJ stormed off in a high dudgeon, proving that TJ was never as hilarious and unmoored as he seemed. He was apparently just dicking around at Weenie World, recording Anne saying mean things and being extremely low-level unethical, because he was bored and wanted to get her fired, but he was never really committed to the idea. Because you know who could really ruin Anne’s life, TJ? Her boyfriend, that’s who! What’s the matter, aren’t you serious about this? Aren’t you willing to sacrifice? What are you, chicken?

Spider-Man, 1/10/13

So, to review: Spider-Man tried to save a lady who was falling off an elephant, but then he got kicked unconscious by the elephant instead, and the lady was rescued by the ostensible villain. THE AMAZING SPIDER-MAN!

Apartment 3-G, 1/10/13

Sure you want to leave, Ari? It appears that Margo and Greg have reached the “We will use literally any pretext to get drunker” stage of evening.