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Heathcliff, 12/23/12

Ah, Christmastime … a period of punishment and rewards from a monstrous cat-deity, if I understand the theology properly. And so, just as I will spank you (i.e., not update the site for the next week or so as I make my annual Hanukwanzmas journey, minus the Hanu- part because Hanukkah was super early this year), so too will I eventually give you delicious cheese (i.e., start updating the site on the 1st or 2nd of January or thereabouts, whenever I recover from my holiday stupor and start looking at the Internet again). Until then, enjoy your holidays! Or, you know, don’t, see if I care.

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Crock, 12/22/12

Commandant Vermin P. Crock (haha, no, really, that’s his name) has been doing his evil dictatorial thing since this strip debuted 37 years ago, so I shudder to think that he still considers himself to be in the early days of his career. Has he stumbled upon some Maghrebi immortality elixir out there in the desert, and now knows he will rule the land around his fort for centuries to come? It would explain how the strip keeps appearing months after its creators supposedly quit.

Spider-Man, 12/22/12

I think a particularly cruel thing to do to people reading a terribly written narrative is to remind them that good writers exist, and that some characters in the terribly written narrative have just decided to opt out and read those good writers while lounging around in bed.

Better Half, 12/22/12

I take it back, Harriet’s friend isn’t too sleepy for sex, she’s just heard too many stories like this and now any mention of sex causes overwhelming nausea.

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Sorry, everybody who was hoping that the Mayan Apocalypse would descend today and end all your troubles: it didn’t! You have to endure your existence for who knows how much longer, and also endure my jokes for another couple of days, then I’ll take off for Christmas, then come back just after the New Year, and the cycle will continue ad infinitum. But if the world had ended today, you wouldn’t be able enjoy this comment of the week!

“If this Mary Worth storyline doesn’t feature a Rocky-style cake-decorating training montage, I’m going to start a class-action lawsuit.” –commodorejohn

Nor would you have the experience of reading these very funny runners up!

“Kudos to the A3G colorist for cleverly simulating the effect of viewing the strip through a bottle of urine.” –Cayuga

“That Herb and Jamaal just ruined my day. I know that is the goal of the strip, and they usually come close, but this one knocked it out of the park. I’m going back to bed.” –Lowell

“FAX MACHINES: The fast, modern way to connect!” –Doctor Handsome

“Does anyone think this guy wants to be a professional cake designer for any other reason than to lure children to his home?” –nescio

“I like how the three people in the background of the first panel seem to have never seen a cake before. ‘No … no, wait. It’s a … circular horse picture done in mind meltingly horrible pink? It sure is … something that someone made.'” –Tophat

Mary Worth: “It doesn’t have to be only a dream, John. It can be your worst nightmare, and I can make that happen!” –Amos Snarkadder, Last of the Mudgitos

“Oh, by the way, I specialize in erotic cakes. Care to see my collection? Perhaps step on a few with your bare feet? Check out my YouTube channel!” –Chareth Cutestory

“It’s a magic hat that brings Frosty to life, right? I’m guessing he’s been a little off since he swiped this one from a boy band member in 1995.” –BigTed

“That cat in Better Half is terrifying. Just staring. Judging.” –Puzzled Pagan

“Where is Spiderman? He’s busy not stopping a trained chimpanzee for committing a crime.” –Holly Folly

Thanks to everyone who put some scratch in my tip jar! And as always, we must give thanks to our advertisers:

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